Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

I’m an Introvert, So…

I’m not a bitch.

Or stuck up.

I don’t hate people.

I’m not trying to be rude.

I’m not even shy.

I’m an introvert.

I need my alone time.

It’s what energizes me.

What gives me the best time to think.

I can talk to people. In fact, I adore public speaking.

I can be quite outspoken, especially when I have a strong opinion about something.

I’ll chat with a friend for hours. Though I’ll admit I really relish those friends who understand that we don’t have to fill every moment with chatter and that there’s comfort in being able to be together and not talk.

If I know I’m going to be in large group setting, I prepare myself.

I think about why I’m there- whether it’s something for work or blogging or something like a holiday party or even a child’s birthday party. If I’m there to learn or to network or to celebrate someone else or if it’s just because I don’t hate people so I do want to get out of my house and socialize.

And I do actually enjoy myself. I do want to be around other people. To talk with friends, to meet new people, to be a part of a party.

But I know there will come a point when I’ll just be done.

That it’s not that someone irritated me or that I feel like I’m too good to associate with the people around me or that I have somewhere better to be.

It’s that I have this internal limit of how long I can be “on” and when I hit it, I shut down.

I need the quiet.

If I’m able, I’ll politely excuse myself and head where I can get that alone time.

But sometimes I can’t leave. So I get very, very quiet.

Sometimes I continue to listen to what is going on around me and other times, I simply retreat into myself and try to tune out all the noise.

I might become intensely focused on my meal if I’m out at a big group dinner. Or maybe I’ll rest my head against a window and close my eyes if I’m on a loud bus. Or I’ll step away from a group and whip out my phone(yes, sometimes I’m the girl reading on her phone at a party. Though I can say I’m checking in on work- which is often true anyway).

People who are energized by crowds might not get this.

Why wouldn’t I make the most of every gathering by being right with everyone all the time?

But that’s just not how I run.

If I don’t take some time for the quiet, I’ll get drained.

So I’ve learned not to mind that some will misinterpret my actions. I can’t control what other people think. Though I’ll admit that I hope that some do get it.

Because I’m doing what I need to do to take care of myself by stepping away to find the quiet.

 

introvert quotes

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Comments

  1. My husband said something similar to you after being at the children’s museum yesterday. He just needed to slow down and have a little quiet when we got home.

  3. Are you my long lost twin?  I’m exactly as you described!  I’ve never been able to explain it so perfectly.  Thank you!

  4. I’m a complete extrovert, but my husband is an introvert so I too get it. I know how important it is to him to get some quiet. I could yap his ears off all day and night but I’m working hard to give him the space and quiet he needs! I hope to meet you someday and if I do, I’d be happy to sit in mutual silence with you! 

    • I try to take advantage of blogger outings and talk to people. 😉
      I’m married to an extrovert, though he’s learned to enjoy more quiet over the years.

  5. This is me to a tee! I think a lot of times people see me as a bitch and unwelcoming. It’s the complete opposite – I just need a minute alone.

    Out of curiosity, it that concert venue a picture of Starlake?

    • I’ve heard SO many times how someone thought I was a bitch when they first met me.

      No, it’s a place down here, took at Zac Brown last month!

  6. Introvert and it’s hard forme to come out of my shell. That’s why my selfless Saturday this week was so hard.

    • I think blogging makes it easier to step out at least. Because we can take the time to think or step away and no one knows the difference. For example, I’m almost always completely absent on the weekends!

    • We have! I usually just share with Ashley because she gets how I am and we can be in the same room but be quiet. One time I was at her house visiting and her husband was looking at us like WHAT are you doing b/c we were sitting on different couches, reading on our kindles. For BlogHer, there are 4 of us in the room, but at least I know everyone!

    • My husband is becoming more of one. I’m wondering if it’s an aging thing or I’m just rubbing off on him!

  10. Both. I need both my alone time and contact with others. When I was a SAHM and when I was a WAHM, I needed to get out and be around others A LOT because I was home all day with no adult contact. Now that I am work outside the house, event though I spend most of my day with children, time with coworkers before, during and after school pretty much fills that need and I just want to be home with my family outside of work. Although the occasional outing is welcomed… when I don’t make a fool of myself ! 😉

    • If I’m alone too much, I do feel a desire to get out. But it’s usually a quieter outing I crave. I LOVE concerts but I have to focus on NOT noticing the crowd or I freak! I hope to get to see you next month!

  11. I am an introvert (an INFJ if you know what that means). I have always been an Introvert (obviously) and my family members are all extroverts. It has made it difficult to be understood. I was pushed to be outgoing and challenged to not be me. I didn’t feel I was okay. I am better about that now. My husband is an extrovert. My kids are extroverts. It can be hard. I have to respect and honor myself or I’m not good to anyone, but at the same time I need to give my kids the socialization they need.

    I also use the term “on” a lot and it feels like I have to be “on” nearly all the time. It makes it really hard. 

    And like you, I do enjoy socializing and people to an extent. And when I am done, I am done. It’s like a hit my limit and I shut down.

    I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a little bit of Social Phobia (I can’t handle loud, noisy, chaotic environments). 

    All that to say that I definitely understand. Being an Introvert isn’t always easy!

    P.S. Someone recommended that I read the book Quiet. I haven’t yet, but from what I have heard it’s a really good book and speaks to Introverts need for “quiet”.

    • I really need to read that book. I have it here somewhere!

      My family was all extroverts growing up, too. And now, two of my kids and my husband are, though my oldest is more introverted.

  12. Oh my goodness. If I didn’t already love you and your blog now I REALLY do. You just put EXACTLY how I’ve felt for YEARS and put it into EXACT WORDS. Seriously, I’ve just been realizing myself lately that I NEED alone time. It’s not just that I want to escape into my room with the TV and book because the kids want the computer for something or because my book is really really good. I NEED alone time even from my own family. I absolutely love this. Thank you. 

  13. Sometimes being around people can be exhausting…and I agree I need a break too!  It’s hard to be “on” for a long time.  Totally get this!

  14. Very much the introvert here. This is why blogging is so good for me–it’s my social on my terms–the crowds and being “on” really wears on me. Sometimes I hit the wall and get all snippy. My extrovert hubby doesn’t always get it.

    • Blogging is perfect for introverts. Because we can do it all on our own timetable and no one has to know that we needed some time to step away. My husband is an extrovert as well- though he’s finally learning why I feel the way I do about certain things.

  15. I am kinda a mix of both. I so get preparing yourself for a large crowd I do the same thing. I also relish my alone time in the mornings and if I don’t get it i feel very off kelter the rest of my day!

    • I can make myself appear extroverted for short periods of time. But then I have to shut down.

  16. I get what you’re saying. Once I reach that “too much ‘people’ time” limit, I am inclined to have a meltdown, which is no good for anybody.

    I am both an introvert and painfully shy. Asking me to speak in public is pretty much the same as standing me before a firing squad. 🙂 In both cases, breathing and heart rate are extremely altered.

    • To me, public speaking has felt like an entirely different thing because it’s just me with a planned (or mostly planned) speech. I’m a bit separate from the group, so it feels different.

  17. Loved this post and related to so much of it. (Except the public speaking part, lol, that I am *not* fond of!) My (physical( health has lead me to become more introverted over the years and it’s hard to explain to folks who are not introverted (like my husband) how I feel. Thank you for writing this and sharing it.

      • lol We’ve been together 9 years, married 8.  He’s getting better with it, but it’s still hard for him sometimes.  There’s been more adjustments for him during our relationship than there has been for me to a large degree.  He’s a 100% self-sufficient extroverted man/Marine lol But he’s also the most amazing man I’ve ever known, so it’s all worth it 🙂 

  18. I’m an introvert, too, though people don’t believe it.

    2 years ago at blogHer, I was given a hard time by some friends because they felt I was being “aloof”. But as you said, it wasn’t that. I had just had enough. I was maxed out. I didn’t realize at the time that i was an introvert. Since reading parts of Quiet, I’ve found that a lot of parts of past behavior and my personality make more sense to ME now: “oh, THAT’S why at the end of that girls’ weekend I felt an uncontrollable urge to run away from the group and sit away from them at the airport and read a book until our plane arrived.”

    I’ve always been called moody, but I realize now that the moodiness typically comes out when I’m in a situation that is denying me that quiet time that my body requires.

    I wrote about this recently and how I think introverts get stressed IN, and not stressed out.
    http://www.kludgymom.com/define-introvert/

    • I read that when you posted and loved it! Your BlogHer experience is my conference nightmare. I get so worried that someone will think that about me and it’s really not my intention to act aloof or separate. I just simply need some quiet and it’s not possible for me to say “on” the whole time.

  19. You already know how I feel about this 🙂

    I’m an outgoing introvert. I can be the life of the party but when I’m done, I’m done and I too get very quiet. Sometimes I stay too long because I feel like I need to fill the awkward silence and then I wish I had just excused myself. Hope to have some introverted time together at BlogHer!

    • There really needs to be an “introvert car” at every event. 😉

      Can’t wait to see you!

  20. This is me exactly. I particularly have gotten the “bitch” thing a lot. Because I get lost in my thoughts I’m notorious for not say “Hi” back to people because I honestly didn’t hear or even notice they were there. I’ve heard multiple second hand accounts of people who have said “Kim doesn’t like me,” which tends to break my heart because it has often come from people I really like a lot.

    I’m currently looking for a job, which means a lot of icky “selling myself.” I’m so tired and frustrated with it all. I went a job fair a few weeks ago, and it was torture. I wrote about that here: http://www.chicagonow.com/listing-toward-forty/2013/06/introvert-job-fair-nightmare/

     I also like to that you adore public speaking. I’ve done a lot of acting and public speaking and because of that people get very confused when I say I’m an introvert.

    • yes, yes, yes. So many times I’ve heard people say how they thought I was a bitch until they got to know me(gee, thanks). For some reason, the public speaking thing has never bothered me, though- it feels like I’m separate from everyone when I’m speaking anyway- I don’t know, it energizes me. Good luck with the job search!

  21. How funny… this is me 100%! I was going to write a similar post.

    When you’re at BlogHer come find me and we can sit together… introverts unite!

  22. Wowwie!  Totally me… except for liking public speaking – I don’t. 😉  Introverts get a bad rap, I believe.  I wrote a post about it awhile ago… Here’s a few sentences from that post you might appreciate. 😀

    “It means we take heart in what we say and do and seek out like-minded people.  It means we realize we have two feet, and neither one should be in our mouth.  It means we engage in conversation when we have something important to contribute, not just to hear the sound of our voice” 

    “And here’s a piece of advice:  Never ask someone, especially someone you barely know, “why are you so quiet?”  It’s rude.  And awkward.  We would never ask you “why are you still talking?” -Laurie
     

    • Why are you still talking? I die. Love it. Do you have a link? I’d love to read the whole thing.

    • “And here’s a piece of advice:  Never ask someone, especially someone you barely know, “why are you so quiet?”  It’s rude.  And awkward.  We would never ask you “why are you still talking?” 

      I love this! I had never really thought about it that way, but you’re spot on. I get a lot of the “Why are you so quiet?” and strangely enough, a lot of it comes from my husband who is also an introvert. I also hate it when people (especially strangers) tell me to “smile!” 

  24. Yes yes yes, I understand completely but thanks for putting it into words for me!!!

  26. Beautifully put, Shell. I absolutely get that. I get YOU. I need that time too- and I love that you still continue to take care of yourself in the midst of what others may think. GOOD for you!!

  27. Can I be a reserved extrovert? I think I’m more extrovert than introvert, but I too have a limit. And I don’t feel the need to be in the middle of everybody. But I do like being out and about and where things are going on. But yes I also can’t be “on” forever. I used to go to these conferences when I was a Mary Kay sales director, and I had a blast. But we would even room together and I so needed to get away and not hear anymore of the constant talking! So I get it too. It is hard not to misinterpret introverted people. Hopefully as adults we look more deeply at someone than rushing to judgment.

    • I think there are lots of people who have a balance between the two. I can make myself act more extroverted when the situation calls for it, but only for so long.

  28. Yes, yes and YES! I am, perhaps, the biggest introvert out there. I’m also very shy and quiet. I hated when people thought I was stuck up or snobby because I wasn’t a big talker. That’s not the case at all. I simply like to sit back and watch what’s going on around me. I don’t need to participate in everything.

  30. I think I am a little of both.  I am much like you where I need my down time, not talking, just relishing in the quietness.  Then other times, I need that social time.   I am extremely shy when I first meet someone and if the connection is there, you will know it as I will want to engage etc.

    I get it!! 🙂  xoxo

    • I tend to stand back a little when I’m first around someone new. I like to think first. Or that’s my excuse!

  31. I so totally get this. Honestly, as I’m getting older big crowds and too much noise will bother me quicker than they used to. I too need that alone and quiet time to recharge my batteries and be able to keep going!

    • I think I see less point in the crowds as I’m getting older! So it decreases my tolerance.

  32. You have put into words my exact feelings.  I am incredibly introverted.  Thank you for putting it out as you have, so maybe others will understand that I’m not stuck-up or antisocial.

  33. I’m such an introvert! My husband is extremely extroverted and sometimes he doesn’t understand my need for ‘me time’. Very well written!

    • My husband is extroverted as well. Though he’s gotten used to my ways more after all this time.

  35. I’m definitely an introvert. I just need the alone time to decompress after being with people. Which I also love. Just in small doses. 🙂

  36. Absolutely an introvert. I can relate to so much of this especially the growing really really quiet. I know that I’m often taken for being “quiet” or whatnot but it often is that I prefer to observe and take it all in and that I also need time and space to recharge. I’m learning to excuse myself more in certain situations.

  37. Yes, we all do need that ‘me’ time. Introvert and extrovert, in my opinion.

    My husband is an extrovert and still cashes his free passes to go out on his own to get that sanity back, which I totally understand since I’m an introvert.

  38. Definitely an introvert here too!  Have your read Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain? I keep hearing its a must read for introverts everywhere. 

  39. I *really* get this!  I will come hoe from BlogHer and will need to spend 3 days hiding in a closet to recover! Although I’ll love it while I’m there!  And if I need to be quiet, I will grab you and we can sit somewhere and not talk! 

  40. I’m an introverted extrovert. I like my me time and I like people time. I get mistaken for a bitch sometimes but the way I look at it is if you don’t “get” me, then I don’t want you to.

  41. Oh I love this – I’m definitely an introvert. And so many people perceive that as me being stuck up or aloof even. I just need to sit back and take everything in. I have a really hard time just putting myself out there, but do fine in very very small groups or if the conversation is something I’m passionate about. 

  43. I am definitely a social introvert. I don’t mind socializing and sometimes really enjoy it, but I need my quiet so much.

    I have also had lots of people misinterpert my introvert-ness for something else. The one thing I do miss about my children being babies is that they were so easy to hide my introverted self behind. It was always such a good excuse if I felt like I needed to leave or just could not go out! Now I definitely have to be more creative! : )

  44. I’m an introvert too. . .thanks for such a great explanation! For me it’s also a lot about my comfort zone  – if I feel comfortable in the group I’m in, I’ll be outspoken and opinionated and happy to speak in public. But if I don’t, I’ll just be in the corner behind a potted plant. 

  45. Introverts unite! Alone… at home… lol 😉

    I wrote about someone challenging my introvert “claim,” insisting I’m a people person: those who aren’t introverted just can’t comprehend that you can be both at the same time – I just need more down time between people.

  46. I can relate to this post so well! I’m learning as I grow older that I, too, am an introvert. People sometimes have a hard time not understanding why I’m not social very often. It’s just not me. There are many times I do enjoy parties, group dinners, and such, but just like you shared, I can only do it for a while and then I’m ready to go. I just want to go back to my quiet home and recharge.

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