Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

If It Were Me…

It’s easy to sit on the outside of someone else’s pain and judge.

And oh, we don’t think we’re judging, we’re just saying how we would deal with their situation, baffled by how they are choosing to handle it.

If it were me, I’d post hourly updates on facebook to keep everyone informed, that’s the easiest way.

If it were me, I’d text close family and friends regular updates, that will keep those who should know in the loop.

If it were me, I wouldn’t update anyone unless they asked because this is my struggle and I don’t really want to talk about it.

If it were me, I’d want my family and friends with me for support.

If it were me, I’d want to face it alone.

If it were me, I’d stay right there, I wouldn’t be able to leave that situation.

If it were me, I’d need a break, I’d go home and sleep.

If it were me, I’d do everything in my power to make sure it didn’t happen again.

If it were me, I’d need time before making any big decisions.

If it were me, I’d be worried about the worst that could happen.

If it were me, I’d try to stay positive.

If it were me….

don't judge…but it’s not you. So don’t judge.

Sitting on the outside of a situation, we think about what we would say, what we would do, how we would react. How different it would be from the way someone else is dealing. Maybe we’ve even been through something similar and we do know how we’d react if it were us. But that doesn’t mean that how someone else is dealing is wrong. It’s just different.

When someone we love is going through something rough, let them deal how they choose. Be there if they need you, but don’t “If it were me” them unless they ask. And even then, be gentle with your words.

Before you ask, my three boys, my husband, and I are all just fine(you can see pics from our Spring Break by clicking on my instagrams down at the bottom of the blog). But someone we know is having it rough right now and it’s made me think about how we all deal in different ways.

Comments

  2. I think it’s in our nature to think it would be so much better if they handled it this way or that way…but it takes maturity to take that feeling and realize we aren’t them. Then we should be understanding and know everyone handles situations differently. Great post!

  3. I believe that if we choose kindness first and foremost, regardless of situation, we would not sit in judgement of someone else’s choices and decisions. Great reminder, Shell.

  5. I am convinced unsolicited advice and “well why don’t you justs” will be the death of me.
    If someone I know is going through something, I just listen and the most I will ever say is “how is that working?” Just an honest question with no judgement. But, I find if they are struggling with their decision, or any coping issues: this is where they will open up for further dialogue. But, it is up to them.
    And I always, always just simply ask: do you want my advice, some brainstorming ideas together, or just need my listening ears?
    it’s really not that hard.
    Hope everything works out for your friends.

  7. Oh dear friend … once it was me looking in and thinking tssk, tssk … but now i am living it, have shared it, wondered too many times what should or should not be out there … and tell you the truth … i still have no damn idea! But the love from friends online have kept me from losing it on many a day – so perhaps sharing was good … mostly.
    Cannot wait to see you xxx

  8. This is a great reminder. We all think we know best, and while it is totally understandable (human nature and all) some people lack the etiquette to properly respond to any given situation.

  12. Mmmmhmmmm… Yup. Have totally been on both sides of that fence. Miss talking. We will have to catch eachother soon!!

  14. This is a great post. I really try to be supportive and not be judgmental. We all go through things in our own ways.

  16. Everything you said is so true. Sometimes it is hard to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes… and sometimes its even harder to remember that even if we were in those shoes we may be doing things much different than they are.

  21. This is so true. People handle and deal with situations differently and no one has a wrong or right way of going about it. It’s just THEIR way, and when it’s not YOUR situation, then you don’t have a say in how they handle things. A great reminder!

  22. One of my favorite quotes is “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” That is so true, hope everything is better for your friend soon!

  23. It is human nature to have an opinion on something. But every opinion does not need to be voiced and or shouted out to the world ( or posted on Facebook). 

    I hope things get better soon for your friend.

  25. Like it or not, we all judge.  We have opinions.  That is simply human nature.  The trick is recognizing when to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself.

  26. It’s so, so, so easy to judge. But it’s NOT our life, it’s someone else’s so we have to learn to shhhhhh about it and not say anything.

  28. You’re so right. I have to remind people of this ALL THE TIME. People go through so many things in their lives and it’s hard for people to imagine what it’s like to be in their shoes. And then…I get this statement too. Well why don’t you just….. (and sometimes it’s stuff that I’VE ALREADY TRIED). I just want to scream at them to shut up. Sometimes all a person needs is a shoulder. 

  29. I hear you – loud & clear.  So easy to look at someone’s difficult situation & say “I would do this or that or any number of other things,” but the truth is that, well, we can’t know what we’d do until we ended up in that same situation, and then, whatever we did would be our coping of it – not anyone else’s.

    Rough times are rough times, there’s no two-ways about it — and people need to do what they need to do, to survive.  Telling anyone that they’re “doing it wrong” is, by definition, wrong.

  30. So true, but it’s hard not to. I know how I’d react in situations – wanting a sympathetic ear but not knowing how to ask for it. I always feel bad burdening others – which is why I always offer and let people know that I’m around in case they need or want to talk, vent or just cry!

  33. I agree with you. From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.

  35. Well said! It’s easy to say “if it were me!” but we never really know how we would handle certain situations until we are faced with them ourselves.

  36. So so true!  It really is easy to think we would act a certain way, do things a certain way- but the truth of it is, no one really knows until they are in it so judging does no good. 

  37. Wonderful post!  It’s so important to remember that we all deal with things in our own way, and unless it is harming the person, we should let others deal in their way.

  38. I have a hard time with this – in certain circumstances. When it comes to family i’m a fixer. I want to fix everyones problems. Sometimes it can be hard to remember that it’s not my problem or my job to fix it. 

  40. I more or less agree with what you said except that sometimes when someone says “if it were me, ” they are saying that so when it is them, their wishes are known.    

  41. Totally agree. When Bailey was having all those health probs a few years back I got more advice and less support it was tough to deal with.

  42. I hear you. The if it were me’s can get to be a bit much. It’s better to really think if it were you and put yourself in that persons shoes. You’re guaranteed to see things with new eyes.

  43. Totally agree.  I too find myself thinking what I would do, but I always remind myself that unless I’ve been in that EXACT situation, I have no idea what I’d really do.

  44. Very wise and true words! It’s so easy for others to judge a situation, usually because they haven’t been through it themselves and have a hard time relating. Or, someone makes a different choice than another has, but because their lives are different and that is they only thing they can do. I truly think the best thing that we can do for others who are struggling is simply to listen – just really listen. If someone wants advice, they’ll ask, and even if they do, one person’s advice may not be right for them. Great great post!!

  46. I try to be mindful of the fact that I don’t always know someone’s struggle. It is easier to go with gut emotion and be gossipy, but when you have been judged you learn to take a step back.

  49. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder and this time of year is when it kicks in. It’s not easy but somehow I make it through. I love your post!