It was one of my resolutions this year to stop yelling at my kids. It helped to put it out there and to set a high goal.
Let’s just make sure we’re on the same page here- which I think we are, but the comments on Today Moms went off on such a tangent, I had to stop reading them(if you want entertainment, click over and grab some popcorn).
When I say “stop yelling” I mean that I was aiming to stop screaming. I was not in any way, shape, or form saying that I wasn’t ever going to correct my kids. That I would let them get away with murder while I sat idly by and made cooing noises over how cute they are. Even though they are cute.
Um, no.
If there is something my boys are doing that they shouldn’t or if they aren’t doing something that they are supposed to be doing, they still hear it from me. It just doesn’t come out of my mouth in the form of a scream.
And yes, my kids still have consequences. I don’t know why anyone would equate no yelling with no consequences, but just to clear it up: my boys get time outs, lose privileges(particularly losing time on their devices, which is especially effective in my house), or have to do extra chores or whatever creative punishment we come up with. But I calmly inform them of this.
Last point to clear up before I give you an update on how it’s going: if one of my kids were about to run out in front of a car(or insert other life-threatening situation here), YES, I would still yell to stop them.
We good now? Alrighty, then.
I have to say that resolving to stop yelling completely has helped me to be more successful than in the past, when I used to say that I wanted to yell less. What does “less” mean? It’s okay to yell x number of times a day before I have to stop? That wasn’t doing anything in the moment to stop me from yelling.
But by aiming to stop completely, I think about it more before I open my mouth(or even when my mouth is hanging open, about to yell). I don’t beat myself up if I have the occasional lapse, but those lapses now don’t happen often at all.
I feel less stressed. Acting calmer has made me calmer.
And I don’t have that guilt that I used to after I’d yell. I just find other things to feel guilty about, but none about yelling.
But really, the biggest difference has come from my boys. They actually listen better.
Not that they were ever rotten little kids. But all kids have their moments, right? So do adults.
Now that they’ve seen that their mom isn’t going to yell at them, especially not yell back and forth about if they should be doing something, they know they need to listen the first time.
I think they hear my words and they sink in faster than when I’d scream them and their thoughts were more about why is mom shrieking like that than about what I was actually telling them to do or stop doing.
Instead of thinking I needed to yell to get through to them, the opposite is turning out to be true. And now, if I do happen to yell, they know to take it very seriously.
Last week’s highlights:
- I Hated Nursing from Life in the Pitts: I felt like this a lot about breastfeeding. I bf but totally understood why some quit or didn’t attempt it because of this feeling.
- There Is No Easy Way Out from Totally Marie: What it honestly takes to lose the weight.
- The Swaying of My Soul from Multitasking Mumma: I love the poetry of this post about holding your little one.
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Glad to hear that no-yelling is working for your household. It’s still work-in-progress at my place 🙂
I’m definitely not perfect about it. But I’m so much better than I used to be!
It’s been interesting to hear about your no yelling journey and I agree that no yelling doesn’t mean no discipline. It’s a little sad that people thought you couldn’t discipline without yelling.
I was completely bewildered by those who thought that. There was a lot of criticism about it over on the Today site.
you inspired me to yell less. and it’s far better for all of us in the house. it would be nice if my 8 year old wasn’t spending 23 1/2 hours a day trying to get me to yell…..
My 9 year old is like that. He pushes my buttons.
Yes, Yes, and YES! I could have written the first half of the post but have been afraid to – thanks for putting it out there and pushing me to do the same. It does sadden me that people think not yelling = lazy parents who aren’t discipling. I digress. Go you. I am really happy for you that you are yelling less and having the great response you are!
I had no idea that people would think these things just because someone said they didn’t want to yell. But on the Today site, that was the overwhelming opinion, that those of us trying not to yell were letting our kids do whatever they wanted with no consequences. I really wanted to reply to each of those comments and explain… but I figured it would do absolutely no good. But I wanted to explain it here.
Good job, Shell! I’m trying to stay calm as well. Hubs and I both try, but it’s a little harder for him.
It’s definitely not always easy!
I’m so glad this is working out for you! I need some pointers! I feel I have the opposite situation going on with my girls. I wasn’t very big in to yelling previously, but my house was in such chaos and they wouldn’t hear me. Now I yell and I get results but I feel so awful about it. I’m still working on finding something somewhere in the middle.
I’ve started enforcing consequences faster, instead of arguing back and forth with my kids. That keeps me calmer.
I think I am failing at no yelling, but I must remember. My 3 year old is totally in the pushing his limits stage and it drives me bonkers sometimes. I am trying though!
My kids all drove me bonkers at 3.
I have loved keeping up with your parenting journey of stopping yelling. So glad to hear there are lots of awesome results. Here’s to you for making changes that will impact your children and their children.
I wish I’d tried this a long time ago. It’s definitely having a positive effect on my whole family.
I commend you! yelling is bad energy… choosing to send your children good energy makes them respond well and return that same energy to you.
That really is how it’s working!
I used to be a yeller. Mercy, kids can bring out my loud voice. However, I learned the same lesson that when I stopped yelling they actually listened and we were all a lot happier.
That’s what I’m finding here, too!
My son is only two, but I already see the effects of impatience and yelling in the house have on him. I’m trying very hard to keep my cool and not raise my voice.
The twos and threes were more trying for me.
I still yell AND take away my boys devices when they act up and honest to god, it’s the end of the world for them when they lose their electronics.
Taking away their devices is about the worst punishment ever for my boys. I have started giving them one correction and then if they don’t do what they should, they lose the device. No arguing, it’s just gone.
I’m chuckling at all those qualifiers you had to include at the start. My goodness, this is a hot topic, isn’t it? Yet I wonder why any mom would question the simple goodness of “don’t yell.” Funny. I need to work on this, too, Shell. You’ve inspired me!
I really had never looked at it the way that the commenters on the Today post did. It sort of blew my mind. But I knew that responding to them and trying to get them to see what I really meant wasn’t going to accomplish anything, but I did want to clarify here!
I love this. And I’ve found the same to be true here, when I speak calmly and in even tones, my kids hear me. And it makes sense, I don’t respond to people yelling at me either! 🙂
Nope, I’m too busy cringing from the yelling!
I’m working on not yelling at my kids. It’s been hard for me but I’m determined to stop the yelling. Glad I read this post. It’s nice to know it’s a struggle a lot of parents have had.
I found out so many other parents struggle with this back when I first started writing about it. But none of us really wanted to admit it!
I so need to try this. The other day my 6 year old told me to stop talking meanly when I yelled for him to stop. Really hit me hard!
My boys have said similar things in the past and it made me realize what I was doing. Or when I’d yell at them to stop yelling.
we try not to yell in our house and find that our daughter listens much better. We also try not to say “because I said so” and instead explain why.
Sometimes I say “because I said so” or I just give a look when I’m asked why. And that’s actually stopped my yelling. 😉
Glad that your goal gave you the outcome you were hoping for. It is hard as a parent to find that fine line.
I always find it amazing how people jump to conclusions about how someone parents as well. But, looks like you cleared the air on that one.
I was a bit shocked by the conclusions that people jumped to about not yelling. That was on the Today site so it wasn’t any regular readers but I wanted to make sure that my point was clear here at least!
I try to not yell… but I find myself when my 7 yr old goes into ‘tantrum’ mode.. which sadly.. is often and that tantrum mode makes me go into crazy mommy mode! At first I try to act calm and talk normal to her when she does it but then it just gets worse. ArGH!!!! Congrats. tho! I’m impressed and need some of what you got!
I have to walk away when one of my kids is having a tantrum. They don’t hear me during that time anyway.
I need to be better with this myself. I’ve actually tried to do better this year, but I think you’re right…setting the “Not at all” limit would probably help!!
(As a side note, people are crazy! How does saying you’re going to stop yelling at your kids equate to no punishment? Seriously…I do NOT get people.)
I pretty much realize that I’ll never truly meet a “not at all” goal, so I don’t beat myself up for occasional fails. But having that goal in mind has stopped the majority of yelling for me.
Aren’t people crazy? I was shocked when so many jumped to the conclusion that no yelling meant that I never disciplined my kids!
I have tried to yell less, well scream less. I have taken to following up a scream or yell with more reasoned discussion. That has been more effective for us. Boys truly do know how to push those buttons.
Sometimes my boys jump up and down on those buttons!
Why, oh why, did I follow that link and read the results. I’m still of the mind that what works best for that child is. However, when they start linking the lack of punishment to ADHD in some of their comments, I just couldn’t take it anymore. My son wanted to behave. It hurt him so much that he couldn’t and now that he is on medication, it is like a night and day difference. He is so much happier with himself. Both he and his brother get disciplined in the same manner so to say that this is the reason for ADHD was absolutely insane. That being said at a school meeting last night, the administrators mentioned 3rd graders that are diagnosed as BiPolar. Can you imagine? (In most of the instances at this school, it seems there was some drug problems in utero).
Oh geez! I had stopped reading the comments before they got to talking about ADHD. And you know, I was actually much, much stricter with my child who has ADHD. I had to be. He needed more guidance and reminders and I had to stay on top of him more than my other two. That’s changed with the meds and now he doesn’t do as much that needs correction. People really do have such bizarre opinions- and I guarantee that anyone who is saying any of that has zero experience with a child with ADHD.
With a special needs child, I found that yelling really never solved anything. In the past it really made him more agitated, now that he’s been diagnosed autistic, I get why my tones or his siblings tones bothered him so much. In our home we have always talked and shown respect, that goes for me to my kids as well, but I am not perfect and have yelled from time to time, usually when I am PMS’ing to be honest. I do agree that when you stop and realize, wait this isn’t going to make things better, it opens the door to a whole new experience in parenting!
My son on the spectrum is super sensitive to sounds. Any sort of yelling just makes him shut down. I do sometimes fail when I have PMS, especially since my hormones seem to be swinging more out of control as I get older.
Sigh…I’m a yeller. It’s just in my nature – I don’t even mean it most of the time, I’m just loud. But it’s something I need to work on.
But I do think there can be a difference between being loud and screaming. Maybe that’s a better way to put it. There’s nothing wrong with yelling… like I still call upstairs for my boys to come down for dinner- that’s a yell. But I don’t count it as a fail b/c I’m just getting them to hear me. But if they are right there and I’m getting emotional/angry and it’s coming out as a scream- that’s what I’ve moved away from. But there are still times when I’m loud- I have three boys, I have to be loud to be heard sometimes!
Just because you are not yelling at your kids doesn’t mean you are not disciplining them. Kudos to you for making the effort! I look forward to hearing about your progress!
Glad to hear this is working out for you! My daughter is only two and it’s so hard not to yell when she is all over the place or dumping out my pocketbook. I’m trying though!!
I love this! As a school teacher I learned that what got kids attention about yelling is just that it was a different sound I find that even more effective is whispering. They look at you crazy but then calm down and get really quiet so they can hear you, diffuses the situation really quickly. Obviously if they were going to be harmed (like running out in front of a car) this would not be the best idea 🙂
Red and I are in contention over nap/quiet time right now. Yelling is what I’m doing after about 15 minutes. I get so frustrated with work getting done and trying to correct him forever. I need to take a minute and a tip from you!
I’m so proud of you! It is so hard to stop in the moment and catch ourselves before we yell! What an amazing accomplishment. No doubt it has been a remarkable change for all of you!
Miss you!
I’m having a horrible time lately not yelling at my almost 3 year old. It seems like he just doesn’t listen to a thing we say. I know I lose it sometimes and it’s something I’m really working on. Thanks for the little pep talk 🙂
I’m glad things are going well. I’m still working on it. I can handle not shouting at my son, but my daughter really tries my patience at times…
I need to do this too. I am horrible at raising my voice!
Sad that you had to clarify that but yes I did start reading some of the comments and it is crazy what people take from things and how far off some people get. I have been doing better about not yelling now and yes it just makes everything feel so much better. I have a good friend who I used to live by (no not Lourie-lol) and when I was talking with her on the phone the other day she hardly had any voice and it was because she had yelled so much and so loudly at her kids all weekend. It really made me feel horrible for her kids and she felt horrible now too and no good came of it
I’ve resolved to be the same way in my relationship. To talk things out and explain myself rather than yell, and it really does help to solve issues between us so much easier.
I need to work waiting before yelling. Thanks for making me stop and think about it now.
I like that you set a goal not to yell at your kids. You are right you can discipline without yelling and yelling up the stairs for diner or something is not that same thing. Good for you and good for your family.
I’ve always made it my goal to not have to yell at my child. I saw from my aunts kids what happens – I just wish she would learn this.
This is so great. I am working hard at how I respond to my kids. There are much better ways to get their attention then yelling.
I learned a long time ago that I got nowhere when I yelled at my daughter. She didn’t listen and she sure didn’t pay attention to what I was saying. When I talk calmly to her she understands where I am coming from and actually takes the time to process my words.
I found that my kids were much more receptive to what I said if it was said to them calmly. Yelling got nowhere.
That’s glad that it’s helping you communicate with your boys and you feel that they’re listening better!
I think a lot of kids tune out yelling. It’s good that you care about the communication with your kids, unfortunately not all do.
Thank you for sharing this journey with us. This is an ongoing struggle for me and to hear you talk about how well it’s working for you gives me more will to stick with it.
My kids, like yours, listen much better when I am calm. I want to quit yelling completely, and I know I can do it.
Yelling and “talks” are my favorite when it comes to punishment. I will probably stick with “talks” as they are just torturous enough to make people listen, but I need to find a new favorite when it comes to yelling at punishment time. 😉
Not yelling has been a personal goal of mine as well. It is a hard habit to break, but I have also found that I am much more effective when I don’t yell. That’s not to say that I haven’t had to start over a bunch of times, but having that goal keeps me from yelling a lot of the time. And thank you for saying that not yelling does not mean no consequences. Amen on that one!
I heard it said once that the fastest way to get someone to listen to you is whisper. Though that’s not highly credible, the message was clear. 🙂
what a great thing to do for you and your kids. I’m proud of you!!
This is huge in our house. I have always felt that screaming and yelling is completely ineffective, yet I still find myself doing it from time to time. It’s draining. It doesn’t work. It affects the entire family, not just the parent and child involved. It has no place in our home and I’m trying to make that happen. Being married to someone who lives with PTSD makes this incredibly difficult at times, but we’re trying to get there. To that place where yelling is non-existent in our home. Thanks for sharing this, Shell. 🙂
P.S. Miss your beautiful face!
I have noticed this with my own kids. My oldest I was always yelling…..my other two are just two exhausting and I think they know now when I am serious. It is how you say it and not the volume that you say it with.
We’ve been trying that approach at home too. I was never much of a “yeller”, but my husband has a bit of a temper and used to react to a situation really quickly. My son responds MUCH better after being talked TO, rather than yelled AT.
Love this! So proud of you! I need to remind myself sometimes!
my kids are so loud, I found my voice raising simply just to Be Heard above the din. but that only leads to more yelling, from all. and it’s hard to reign that voice back once you release it into the wind. I sometimes need to do a simple short, HEY! and then calmer, ok, now that you all can actually hear me…..
I certainly don’t want my kids to think “old yeller” refers to their mom! And I think they just tune you out after about 4 syllables anyway, so I can totally see how listening is improving at your house.
They do say that kids listen when you speak calmly to them. But when you are so darn angry, sometimes we just can’t help it. Lol! I think it’s great that you’ve been able to stick to your no yelling rule. Good for you!
In my experience this approach to rearing children is very positive all around – as some other blogger eluded to – necessary punishment can be delivered just as harshly without yelling – at the end of the day both the adults and the children are less nervous and time together is far more enjoyable!
Thank you for your honesty. I’m glad that this has been working out and that you are able to see results! Way to go, mama!
I do my honest best not to yell at my children – both at home and in the classroom. My demeanor is calm and quiet. I reserve my louder voice (which isn’t even really a yell) for more serious things. When I do yell, they know that it’s SERIOUS. It’s interesting that people get up in arms when you tell them that you don’t believe that it’s okay to yell, spank, etc. Respecting your child isn’t okay? I think it is. If you want them to respect you, why shouldn’t you show them respect. Part of teaching your child is modeling the behavior you want them to show.
That’s fantastic that you’ve seen such positive results from this. I’m sure there will be slips, but the new pattern is great!
That is a really interesting observation. You are feeling less stressed and calmer. Sounds like you are on the right track to me.
I like that you’ve found that it actually makes YOU calmer. It is so hard for me not to yell. I grew up in a yelling house, and HATED it, and I think the fact that I do it too I hate even more. Its such a natural reflex that I have to work so hard not to let me anger escalate in that way!
It amazes me how people misunderstand intentions. No yelling doesn’t mean no punishment. Yelling at children isn’t the only way to get them to behave. And you’ve proved that by writing this post. You have inspired me to work at yelling at my son less. I love how honest you are and that you’ve been so willing to share this experience with us.
I try not to, but have done it a few times lately. I believe you are right in saying they hear you better when we aren’t yelling. I’m so glad it’s working well at your house and not sure why they got on a crazy tangent about that meaning you didn’t disciplining? Crazy!
We have been trying to cutback on the yelling too. Sometimes it is necessary though when you want your kids to know you are serious.
I started this challenge about 3 months ago. Man is it hard! I’ve slipped up a few times as has my husband. It’s even harder when they are in a different room and I have to stop what I’m doing to walk in and talk to them. But, I think it’s worth it. If I yell, how can I tell THEM not to yell? Have to lead by example.