Andrea is a native New Yorker living in NC who has become quite accustomed to wearing flip flops year-round. A licensed clinical social worker, she spends her free time volunteering for a number of organizations supporting women (more specifically, mothers) in need of a reminder that they are not alone.
Andrea blogs at Good Girl Gone Redneck, where she writes from the heart, sharing the ins and outs of parenting, family and relationships. She also devours books and regularly features her honest reviews on her blog.
I headed to the parenting section. I thought to myself that maybe I would find something new to read. The section of parenting books is plentiful. Always. But sometimes can’t find the ones I love. The ones where moms talk about motherhood. Real moms. Real life. Real stories.
Skimming the titles one jumped out at me.
The Heavy. A mother. A daughter. A diet.
Read it again.
I did.
Twice. Three times, even.
It was positioned perfectly on the shelf. Title out. Front cover, I mean. No spine for this one.
Ha. Spine is an interesting word, isn’t it? This book, this mom, had, has spine.
I don’t know why I needed to buy it. And yet I do.
I have a 7-year old daughter. I’m a woman who is constantly battling weight-related issues. I’m the woman who was that girl who put herself into a corner, and admittedly sometimes still does. Regardless of what society tells me.
The mom who constantly reminds herself and others to look out for you.
It’s not easy. Ever.
Motherhood isn’t easy, either.
Watching your beautiful little girl grow and worrying, thinking, saying to yourself, will she face all that I did? Will she battle her weight? Hoping and praying, even. Thinking no. No. You won’t let that happen. You won’t, right?
I see her thighs, strong and sturdy. Thighs. Ugh. Thighs that cause friction. Thighs that bother me when I wear skirts without shorts underneath. Will she hate them someday?
She’s tall. I’m not. She’s probably 4′ already. Will she feel too tall? Too big? I always felt too short. No. Not always. There was a point I reached, perhaps when my weight passed me by? … I reached it and wished I had a few inches. They’d make it all better – wouldn’t they?
Feet. Mine are huge. They are. You don’t notice because I’m 5′ 2-1/2″ and you can’t tell I’ve worn a size 10 shoe for much of my life. She’s already passed so many kids her own age when it comes to shoe-size. I shouldn’t care, but I remember the days of wearing the same size shoe as my mom for like a minute. It was fun. I don’t want her to get to my size, but she might. She could. It’s rough when your shoes are the one article of “clothing” you’re comfortable shopping for and you can’t find stylish stuff because your feet are big, too.
My mom helped me through that. She bought me gorgeous boots every year. I saved them all up. Year after year. Red suede. Colorful suede. Browns. Blacks. With fringe and without.
I also have sneakers in every color. Now. As an adult. I’ve held onto so many pairs. From my 20s. TWENTIES! I’m FORTY-TWO, y’all.
I rarely wear them, but I kept them. I keep them. I keep the option there. Orange Saucony kicks. Pink ones, too. White and black Skechers. Bright pink Bebe’s. Shoes to match every outfit. Maybe to distract your attention from the rest of me? Lead you to look down and not up? I don’t know. It’s surely possible. A therapist might have a field day. Oh, wait, I AM a therapist. I could have my own field day, I suppose.
But again, I tangent.
I started reading this book, The Heavy.
Then I did some digging and realized who the author was. She’s the woman who put her 7-yo on a diet. Restrictive diet. She’s the woman who took a beating in the media and from many other parents out there. Moms. Dads. Aunts. Uncles. Who knows? She is the woman who had a 4′ 4″ child weigh in at 93 lbs. And knew she needed to make some changes.
I’m not defending her choices. Nor am I criticizing them.
I just know that I wanted to read her story.
Even though a few years ago I might have automatically judged.
I’m a believer that children will regulate their eating. They’ll eat when they are hungry.
But I, too, have learned that children might also eat if they are bored. Is that learned? Or habitual? Or what, exactly?
How do you look at how your child(ren) eats? Do you monitor it? Schedule it? Plan it out?
School lunches suck. But sometimes they’re a great option. Do they suck that badly? Will Jamie Oliver come to our town and get everything but white milk out of our schools? (Is he even still doing that? Where’s Michelle Obama when you need her?) That, in and of itself, would help. Would cut out loads of sugar and calories. Wasted ones.
We give our daughter chocolate milk. Weekends, most often. Sometimes she has breakfast or lunch at school and has one. It’s not forbidden. And she might drink it always if we let her. But water is a good substitute. It’s my beverage of choice when we go out for dinner. Or lunch. Or both. If she has it for one she doesn’t get it for the other. Breakfast at home. No chocolate milk. Lunch sent from home. No chocolate milk. Juice boxes. 100% juice. Yes? No? Who the heck really knows.
So many thoughts.
So many questions.
What’s the right thing to do?
Sometimes we just have to figure that out on our own.
For me – that’s my plan – and yet … I keep on reading.
And I keep on remembering.
That we’re all a little bit perfect in our own way. Yes. YOU, mom over there struggling. You, too.
Each and every one of us. And we’re all a little bit imperfect, too. The struggle is finding the balance between both.
But we can do it.
I can. You can.
And I plan to. Feel free to join me.
This post was originally published on Good Girl Gone Redneck
I was a fat kid and I would have given anything to have been put on a diet when I was 7 versus being fat for way too long.
I was always too skinny as a child and young adult. I then had children and i’ve been battling my weight for 13 years. It sucks! I hope and pray my children don’t have the same weight issues I struggle with.
I was really skinny all through high school and into my early twenties. Once I had my son everything went down hill. I need to really focus on my diet and exercise more.
At my daughter’s five year old check up, her percentages were upside down, meaning her weight percentage was higher than her height percentage. Her doctor suggested she “move more”. We made some food changes for the whole family and increased everyone’s movement and we saw a difference in a short time. My daughter goes today for her eight year old check up and for the last three years, I have worried every time that her percentages will be upside down again. I just want all my kids to be healthy and I know that we are making the right choices for our family. I know my own body issues come from my experiences and I don’t want that for my daughter, or my sons. I want happy, healthy kids.
I’ve always had small kids because we are a small family BUT I still try and introduce healthy foods but I make sure not to stress out about if they eat them or not. I don’t know how I would respond or react or even know what to do if I had a not small kid. It’s hard.
We had the opposite problem. My daughter could not gain weight when she was little. We were always being told to feed her more.
My kids get that too — both girlies are over 90th percentile for height, below the 5th for weight. (Like me! And my husband!).
I think some of the hardest parenting moments are when I am coming upon an issue that I still have feelings about myself. It’s just hard to know if I am responding with all of my own baggage or am I really just responding to the kids as any parent would/should. Weight is definitely one for me (among many!). I still have my deal about it so I am never sure if I am overreacting…underreacting…am I responding like my young self or am I really being objective? It’s SO HARD!! –Lisa
Parenting is a tricky thing at best. It’s not made any easier when people second guess your decisions. I remember this woman in the news. You know what? She did what she thought was best for her child. That’s what we all do.
Absolutely. I remembered her, too. Thanks for saying this – and sorry for the late reply. I’d kept an eye on the comments and there weren’t any so I must have missed them all!!
Oh Andrea. This is such a tough subject. I don’t know what the answer is. There has to be some middle ground where we teach our kids to be healthy and encourage them to love themselves, without giving them a trigger about their weight or passing on our own issues. I don’t know where that ground is. I sometimes fear in my rule to “not make food a fight” ever with my daughter I’ve been too lax with her. I worry, not so much about today, but about three years from now, or when she hits her twenties. I just don’t know. But I do believe, with you, that we can find this balance, if we keep working at it, and loving our girls, and maybe even loving ourselves a little bit more.
Thank you, Tracie. That’s exactly my concern sometimes. I always swore I’d never fight about it – and yet – my worries get the better of me. Your words mean a lot. Thank you.
I think feeling self-conscious about your looks — regardless of what you look like — is inevitable.
My sister sister and I were tall, pale skinny tweens when our family moved to a teeny-tiny town in South Korea for 18 mos, for our mom’s sabbatical.
In the rural region we lived in (25+ yrs ago), Westerners were few and far between and the local equivalent of the boogeyman was a giant albino.
Guess who looks like a giant albino/Korean boogeyman? Tall, pale skinny tweens from Iowa. Sigh.
18 very formative months of children shaking with fear at the sight of us, grownups crossing the road to avoid us, etc.
The folks in “our” town were lovely and got “used” to us within a week or two. But going anyplace else – school field trips, the big grocery store three towns over – well, folks backed away from us as if we were radioactive.
I find myself feeling down and remeber only i can change who i am and what i look like. I know who i am and where ive come from so i try and always love myself.
My oldest was always a bit pudgy, but we never made her diet. When she hit her teens, she started to grow taller and it evened out. I’m glad I didn’t make her eating habits a big deal back then, because she controls what she eats on her own now and makes pretty good choices.
Thank you, Theresa, for sharing this. That’s what my hopes are for my daughter. I know she will be tall and I never want to create an issue when there isn’t one. Thank you. This gives me hope!
Parenting is hard enough I think without people getting involved in your business. Parents should be able to do what they feel is right for their children as long as they aren’t harming them in any way. This mother deserves some peace about what she has done.
First, I love the writing! Good job, Andrea!
Second, I am right there with you. I struggle with my youngest. He’s an extremely picky eater, and it’s hard to balance parenting that, teaching healthy choices. I want to educate without making him feel bad or growing a complex, but it’s hard to know the lines.
Parenting is rough stuff. I don’t think we ever think about struggles coming from other parents until it happens.
I was a chunky teenager until I started running. I was never what you’d call fat. But I didn’t have good eating habits until I was an adult. But now in my forties, I’m still running, and I don’t weigh much more than I did in college…I have put on a few pounds though.
I also now have a teenage daughter. She’s always been active in sports, but she just switched from soccer to running xc and track. She’s very muscular, solid but slender….however, she doesn’t have the twig physique. I know she notices, although she doesn’t say too much about it. But every once in a while she’ll make a comment that makes me aware that she is aware. However, she’s doing well with her running, and I think her body will change a little with her a new sport.
I don’t know anything about this mom’s story, and I try not to be too judgmental. Parenting is hard enough. My kids eat much healthier than I did growing up. I don’t really believe in “diets” per se, but I do believe in healthy eating habits, which I suppose could be considered a “diet” in itself. My kids know the difference between real food and junk, but they do eat junk food occasionally. Personally, I think the key is keeping kids physically active and good eating habits…and moderation. I don’t want my kids to “sneak” things. I have a friend who didn’t let her daughter have candy, and then told the child she was going to help her clean her room…the child burst into tears and confessed that there was candy wrappers under the bed. I think she’s relaxed her stance on candy since then, but it does make you realize that everyone, kids included, want the “forbidden” fruit.
It’s a tough topic for sure.
Oh my goodness, I wrote a book! How embarrassing. It didn’t seem like so much in the little box!!
Oh no! Don’t feel embarrassed at all. I truly appreciate your comment. As I mentioned to someone else, I missed all these comments for some reason! I must have lost track of the post.
But I thank you for your words. So very much. They mean a lot. I appreciate you taking the time to share!!
I’m not a mother, but I’m sure it can be a huge issue. No one wants to project their body image issues or poor eating habits onto their children. As a psychotherapist, I can also see how being overly restrictive can result in the opposite effect as an adult. For example, I was never allowed soda and as soon as I got out on my own, I drank it like water, cause I could. I still love my Diet Coke and my mother still scolds me.
Older age has brought me contentment. I sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I could have reached this stage so much sooner!
Dealing with making healthy choices for myself has always been a struggle for me too. Making them for the whole family seemed easier when I started meal planning. I feel like we make better choices if we think them out ahead of time. thank you so much for sharing your story. It really inspired me to take a look at everything again with a fresh perspective.
Thank you, Michelle. I appreciate you saying this. Your kind words mean a lot.
My kids were always on the small side of the weight scale. Even as teens, they are tall but average weight. I think we all do the best we can and what works for our family.
Haha “100% juice. Yes? No? Who the heck really knows.” I feel like I could’ve written this myself. My girls probably drink way too much chocolate milk at home, but they are both on the small side so I let them. I agree, kids regulate their eating and will eat when hungry.
Right? I mean, seriously. It’s like- what on earth is in all these drinks and things?
I don’t remember it being such a big deal growing up! AHHH!
those thoughts cross my mind. I have a tween who also eats at odd times and has me questioning is it a coping mechanism? Ugh it’s so hard to parent.
Parenting is not easy that is for sure. I know that we just have to do our best. Just offer the best, healthiest options.
I was really underweight until I hit mid-twenties. I finally got to a healthy weight and looked and felt good. Then I got pregnant with my son when I was 38. Being almost 40 it was tough losing the baby weight. Then add onto that I went through early menopause. So I actually almost doubled my body weight from the time I graduated high school and when I was in my mid-forties. 🙁 I turned 50 this year, and although I’m not at the weight I’d like to be… I’m just tired of worrying about it.
Good eating habits are the way. Parenting gets a bad rap if you do something and if you don’t. So what can a parent do. Just their best.
Diet is such a stigma word these days. Parenting and good choices go hand in hand
we don’t do school lunches just because they don’t taste good. As long as the child is eating why does anyone else care.
I have been on both sides. People assume people who are skinny have it easy. I struggled to maintain my weight and not fall underweight… Underweight had its own issues. Now I am on the other side trying to loose weight and recover from being obese… I hope my daughter will see the mixture of exercise and healthy food we have with the treats as well.
Yeah, I was the chunky kid too. I was (am) (will always be) self-conscious of my weight. My sisters were stick thin. Ate whatever they wanted to. They aren’t now. But they were. My parents did little to help me with that. We did not eat healthy. I wish we had.