Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Dream-Crushing with a Flippant Comment: Pour Your Heart Out

I am not a runner.

But my oldest is. He’s not the fastest as he races across the playground or the soccer field, but damn, that boy has endurance. Endurance that has him coasting past almost all of the competition when it comes to longer runs.

It started two years ago in first grade, at our school’s Fun Run fundraiser, where he not only completed the most laps in his grade during the thirty minute time period, but more than any child in first, second, or third.

So when he had the chance to join our school’s running club this year, he was rushing me out the door on the day of sign ups, as there were only 30 first-come-first-serve spots.

At the start of the year, the 30 third, fourth, and fifth graders ran their first timed 5K, a time they’d want to improve upon over the course of the fall. My son was a little bit disappointed because there was one child who beat his time of 28 minutes(and something like 10 seconds).

At the mid-point of the season, the boys ran another timed 5K. Again, my son came in second to a fifth grader. But he’d shaved two minutes off of his time, comin in at just over 26 minutes.

track

I never meant to be a dream crusher. I was so very proud of my son. I know I couldn’t run a 5K in that time. And yet, all it takes is a flippant comment….

“I don’t think I was running my fastest. Next time, I’m going to take two more minutes off my time. Maybe three. Or even four.”

Enter the dream crusher.

“Well, you might not.”

Ah, hell. I hate the term #momfail, but sometimes it’s appropriate…

What I meant was that his time was already so good that he shouldn’t be worried about it if his next timed run wasn’t faster. That I already thought he was doing a fantastic job.

I even googled average 5K times to justify my thoughts. He’s 8 and running a 5K in 26 minutes, which is about 8-10 minutes faster than the average 5K for the under 16 age group. Not that he can’t strive to improve, but damn. That’s already fast, right?

You know your argument is weak when you start pulling random facts off of Google to justify your mind wondering off into statistical probability instead of looking at the hopeful face in front of you and simply saying “I bet you will! You’re super fast!”

I don’t want to be that kind of mom. The kind that dismisses my child’s aspirations as being impossible and moves on without a second thought as to the impact my words could have.

Since then, I’ve been nothing but encouraging about his running. His team runs in a 5K race in town this weekend- and I’ll be there cheering him on.

Have you ever had a dream-crushing parenting oops?

Last Week’s Pour Your Heart Out Highlights

  • Plan B from Embracing the Spectrum:  “I walked in tears, thinking about Plan B. He had already tried to bite me before we left the house and bit his little brother instead. It would be foolish for me to try for another child. Honestly, I know my limits. I’m at my limit almost every day.”
  • Eternal Optimism from 154 Hidden Court: “…how could an optimist survive in a house full of pessimists?”
  • Kid Movies Need Kid Appropriate Music from There’s Just One Mommy: “‘Mommy, why are the girls all getting naked?’ asked my 6 year-old daughter from the backseat.”

Join in Pour Your Heart Out

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Comments

  1. I did a sort of similar thing.  My middle daughter has always been rather accident prone and not terribly coordinated.  She asked me if she could sign up to play soccer and for two seasons, I shrugged it off and never signed her up because I was afraid she would not be successful.  When the third season rolled around, she practically begged to play, so I caved and sign her up.  You know what??  She LOVES it and she’s actually not that bad either.  Now, I feel completely guilty and wonder how much better she would be if I had let her play the first time she asked. 🙁  We all make mistakes.  We are moms, but we are still human!

    • It’s so hard to know what to do with our kids. I did something like that with basketball and my boys.

  2. Oh Shell, you’re being hard on yourself. We all say things that jump out of our mouths a little too quickly. 

    The fact is, you are encouraging him now, and that’s awesome!

    For the record, 26 minutes in a 5k IS SUPERB. 

  3. I struggle with this too. I tend to freak out to quickly or to say things in the wrong way. The hubs is constantly on me about my “tone”…it used to drive me bananas but now I am a little better about it…always striving to be “more” better. 🙂

  4. Huge hugs. Don’t be so hard on yourself, we all slip sometimes or things just come out wrong. He won’t remember that comment, but he’ll remember you sticking by him and supporting him all of this time.

  5. It’s probably a good thing my kids don’t really get sarcasm. I’ve been known to make the sarcastic Yea, Right…. But am lucky they still take it Yea!!!Right!!!!

    None of us are perfect. Maybe your comment will make him want to prove you wrong

  6. Sometimes I think I might be trying to convey to my kids that what they are doing is good enough, but I don’t realize until later that what I said to them might be perceived as saying they’re not capable of doing any better.  It’s a tricky business, trying to teach them to do their very best while still letting them know they don’t have the be THE best at everything.  I know I’ve been in your situation – probably way too many times.  

  7. Oh, Shell. This sounds more like “managing his expectations” than “crushing his dreams”….
    So says the mother who is constantly worried her kids will fail and therefore warns them ahead of time.

    Preparing them for failure. Oops.

    All of a sudden that DOES kind of seem like dream crushing.
    Dang.

    • Managing his expectations- yes, I like that much better! It wasn’t that I didn’t think he would get better but I was thinking well at some point, he’s going to hit a time when it’s just not humanly possible to go any faster and maybe he’s hit that already. But ugh, I didn’t mean to be discouraging.

  8. That is amazing that he can run that fast! I agree with Julie, I think it was more about managing his expectations. And it’s never too late to explain what you meant by your comment. I think our kids can learn alot by us apologizing and explaining what we really meant when we said something. 

  9. Wow.  I don’t think I could come close to running it that fast!  (Actually, let’s face it… I’d have to stop, catch my breath a mile in and probably wouldn’t get up to finish….)  

    Sometimes as parents we just automatically think of what’s realistic — those oops moments happen before we realize what we’re doing!  

    Wishing him luck this weekend!

    Thank you for featuring our post about Kid Music from last week!  

    • Yes, I was just thinking about realistic! The coaches were very proud, they said this is the first year when all of their participants ran In under 40 minutes. So, my son’s race day time of 27 minutes was great- but he was mad about it.

  10. I’m impressed when anyone can run, even a little bit. I feel like my insides are going to pop out if I’m running for more than 1 minutes. 

    • Me, too. It’s why when the kids had to have an adult sign up for the race with them, I called NOT IT!

  13. Oh my the times I have immediately wanted to snatch back the words I said! I agree with other comments, it sounded well meaning, but I also know what I mean to be well meaning is definitely not always taken as well meaning by my kids.

  14. Oh, I know exactly how you feel. When my daughter talks about being a nurse when she grows up, I am very proud of that aspiration, but when I consider how she struggles with school now, I fear she might not be college material. I’ve found myself saying things like, “just so you know, you’ll have to go to college, which means a bunch more school, if you want to be a nurse….”. I think I’m just preparing her for the reality, but am I really telling her I don’t think she can do it? God, I hope not!

  15. I “mom fail” all the time!! It’s my damn honesty that does it! I always tell the “truth” and that really hurts sometimes… but I try to encourage often and I pray that my kids will always trust my opinion because they know I am honest.

  16. Whoa! Your little runner is pretty impressive. I am right there with you. I have been the dream crusher. 🙁 I once told Belle that she couldn’t be a scientist. That sounds worse than it was. She was crying about being afraid of not doing well in college. I mean seriously crying and I had lost patience and told her, “You know what? If you are going to cry about how hard it is, then you can’t be a scientist.”

  17. I think that what matters is that you meant well when you said it. You didn’t mean to discourage him, you already thought he was doing great.

  18. Aww. Don’t be too hard on yourself! I get what you meant. Sometimes our thoughts are moving so fast we just say the wrong thing. I know I’m guilty of stuff like this!