Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Don’t Let Social Media Make You Feel Like a Bad Mom

With Easter just around the corner, I thought I’d share this with you again.

Yesterday morning, I was up early because I’d fallen asleep super early the night before(or as Hubs said “not super early, but just normal people early, you weirdo night owl”).

I scrambled to assemble my boys’ Easter baskets since I’d fallen asleep waiting for the boys to fall asleep and didn’t get a chance to do it the night before.

Since I was then awake in a quiet house, I scrolled through instagram, usually one of my favorite social media platforms to browse since it’s just for fun- I love seeing the pics of friends’ families and there’s no pressure to do anything other than maybe double-tap a pic to “love” it. There’s no drama.

But as I was scrolling early on Easter morning, I saw so much creativity and so many gifts. Huge Easter baskets filled with tons of presents. Easter Bunnies who had not just brought baskets but had done creative things while they were there- leaving trails or performing some sort of magic trick.

And I glanced over to my boys’ baskets and thought wow, I’m so lame.

My boys had candy in their baskets, but they didn’t have a massive amount. In fact, I was able to do all their Easter basket shopping in Target in under 15 minutes, including check out.

We didn’t do any gifts, not even small ones, and we certainly didn’t do any huge and expensive gifts like some I saw.

Oh, and our Easter Bunny just left the baskets sitting on the couch in our bedroom, so we’d be sure to see the boys’ reactions when they found their baskets.

And I started to feel like I suck as a mom. Maybe I should be more creative, maybe I should have spent more money, maybe I should have bought them some big gift.

This seems to happen around holidays- I’ll scroll through instagram, facebook, pinterest, twitter, and blogs- and everywhere I look, moms are doing creative projects(and of course taking pics that they post) and giving their children more than we give ours. And it make me feel like I should be doing more.

egg hunt

Can you see that egg tucked up under the slide? The boys couldn’t!

But then I think about our own traditions- like Easter, for example. Our baskets don’t have a ton in them, but they still have enough to keep the boys good and sugared up for the better part of a week. There aren’t toys in their baskets or a big surprise waiting for them outside because it’s too big to bring in- but we do things at other times of the year, just because- like how we just ordered the parts and fixed their trampoline last week and they are able to jump on it for the first time since a hurricane swept through here a year and a half ago. And their Spring Break always falls right after Easter, so we save some money to be able to do things with them this week instead of giving them so much for Easter.

And they love having an Easter egg hunt at home and just hanging out with the family and having a wrestling match on the trampoline.

My boys had a great day and they don’t feel like they are missing out.

So I shouldn’t feel bad that we don’t do the same things I see across different social media channels.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not judging those who go all out for every holiday. In fact, I think your holidays look incredible! But I’m no longer going to let social media make me feel like a bad mom. We each celebrate in our own ways. And just like other areas of parenting, we all do things differently and that’s okay.
Originally posted on April 1, 2013.

Comments

  1. A big huge amen to this, Shell!

    It is so easy to get caught up in the motherhood comparison game, especially on holidays, but that game is never fun. 

    We don’t do huge gifts or fancy things, but our quiet days spent together are special. 

    • I think fb and instagram make it worse b/c we see the photos of what others are doing instead of just being able to be happy with what we’ve done.

  2. We don’t do huge Easter baskets either.  The baskets I make for my children are small and only have a little bit of candy.   My children are more excited by Easter egg hunts and so we focus more on that.  

  3. I remember a post your wrote on the soccer snacks on Pinterest – kind of the same thing and so easy to get wrapped up in thinking we don’t make the grade when we see what others are doing “in comparison.”  I always need to remind myself that Pinterest and Instagram and all those other platforms are the highlight reels, right And as you say at the end, it’s OK to do things our way – not someone else’s. 

    • Yes! Though I think the soccer snacks are excessive, while for holidays, I think whatever someone decides to do for their own family- totally okay. Big or small- but none of us should be made to feel bad about how we choose to celebrate.

  4. Everybody celebrates special occasions in their own way. I think that the memories we create as a family are the important things – whether the day is simple or more elaborate. 

    • Definitely about the memories. And realizing it’s about our own families, not about what someone else is or isn’t doing.

  5. So do the new toothbrushes and floss that got stuck in their Easter basket counts as gifts. That is more or less the extent of gifts in my boys’ Easter basket. I did through in a bubble wand this year. But the creativity aspect – not very much. I’m just not into spending huge amounts of time doing something that will last for 15 seconds once they see it. It seems that often (not always), people do the big fancy stuff just so they can take the picture and save it. I tend to try to enjoy the boys’ enjoyment instead. I watched a show once where a psychologist/pastor was coming in the help parents with their child or children’s behavior. The father was so busy recording everything the son did and putting it up on a blog or youtube channel or somewhere that he didn’t have time to take part in the child’s life. It has been about four years since I saw that, but I’m still remember it vividly.

    • That’s a good point. It does need to be about celebrating in the moment. At Blissdom, someone had said a “#latergram is not a #lamegram” so enjoy the moment and then LATER, share it. 

  6. It is easy to make comparisons and feel bad, but as someone wise said, comparison is the thief of joy! I’m glad you’re doing what works for your family, and what makes you guys happy. That’s what counts.

    • It really is a thief! I’m realizing that I don’t need to do what others are doing in order to still give my kids a good holiday.

  7. I have been there as well – feeling bad because I am not as awesome as some pinterests mums. Especially because I am no good when it comes to cooking or some crafty work…I just do not have that special talent to do it…But I do try in my own way and I think that’s the most important thing!

  8. Every family and every parent makes their own choices…and we need to honor both our own and other’s. It’s never easy to see and compare…but we truly must have confidence in our own way of doing things.

    • Definitely. It has to be that way- our families would end up miserable if all we did all the time was try to do everything everyone else does.

  9. Amen! I saw some pretty extravagant baskets online this year.  I have to admit, I did judge. I have to wonder about some of them. Are those baskets for the kids? Or the parents’ pride? I know that sounds harsh. But, sometimes I think people go overboard for their own reasons that have nothing to do with kids. 

    And here I thought splurging for the overpriced Angry Birds basket was a big deal. It’s not what’s in that basket, it’s how we spend the day. My boys got some candy and a little treat, but the fun stuff isn’t found in the basket. 

    • I just figure in general, those families have more to spend on such things than I do. But that really, my kids are still getting enough for them and they aren’t complaining, so I shouldn’t feel bad. 

  10. I saw some pretty amazing Easter baskets and for a brief moment thought that my kids got the short end of the stick because I don’t normally do baskets (I hate all that candy). But this year I broke down and made a small basket for each of the kids with a little bit of candy, book & toy for the little ones, and a itunes/amazon gift card for the older two.

    They loved them! And that’s all that matter. 

    • That’s how I felt, too- that my kids would be so upset if they saw what other kids got. But that just isn’t us. 

  12. I completely forgot to even make my 3 year old a basket until after we got out of church Easter morning. We threw it together in about 5 minutes & surprised him with it. He loved it!

    • Love that! We go to church Saturday nights so we’re lazy on Sunday mornings. It totally works for us! 

  13. That is so true. Someone on my Facebook was complaining that all people do is try to “brag” online about how much they got their kids. I can see both sides though, because sometimes you’re just so excited about how excited your kids are that you want to share. I doubt many people are looking to actually out-do others. 

    • I really don’t see it as bragging(at least, for the most part- there is a certain relative of mine that I think bragging applies to LOL) just simply sharing what they are doing. Totally nothing wrong with that. I just have to remind myself that what I do is okay, too.

  14. Somehow, I just can’t picture a grown man saying, “I just wish my parents had spent more time hiding our Easter baskets, ya know? I feel cheated.”haha

  15. Yes thank you for saying this…I always feel bad b/c I’m not super creative…but I really shouldn’t compare.
    Hey did you get the book I sent you? I was doing it from my phone so I hoped I sent it to the right email address!

    • I saw pics of your Easter- it looked like such a happy time! 

      And yes- I did get it- thank you! Started it yesterday. 🙂 

  16. I had one of those moments yesterday as well. I was scrolling through Facebook and Instagram as we headed out to find an old mining camp and took note of the colorful baskets, the cool colored eggs, the silly Easter pics. I suddenly felt lame and felt like crap because people actually did something for the holiday. My husband and I did nothing. It was another day. And I let the photos get to me.

    It would be nice to decorate and do something fun for a change but I have to keep in mind I want to do it to have fun, not to keep up with others. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when everyone and their mother is doing it. Fortunately, we ended up having a good day yesterday and took some of our own goofy pics. May not have been Easter related but at least we did something.

    • When we start doing things just to keep up with others, it sucks all the fun out of it. I never want to do that!

  17. If it makes you feel any better, the Easter Bunny has never visited our girls.  Not at our house, anyway.  My ILs have always brought over little baskets, and their grandmother has said that the bunny delivers to her because she enjoys bringing the baskets to the girls.  There have been some Easters where I started to feel like a slacker, but my girls have never complained, so all is well.  🙂

    • And that’s really what is important- that the kids are happy and have a wonderful holiday. I have to admit that I have a hard time wanting to go all out for the holidays because I don’t want to take away from the real meaning of those days. 

  18. thank you for writing this…because I have been battling my social media persona for months now. Some of it was plain ole depression but some of it was exhaustion at “staying relevant” or “doing what everyone else is doing”. It was exhausting me and making me feel so left out.

    I bought candy this year, and some other little things in the WalMart Easter aisle, the coloring books, new plastic plates for BREAKFAST, some matchbox cars…nothing expensive or time comsuming..and the candy oh the candy. Thank goodness my mom and their aunts and uncles gave them money. YAY.
    I want them to remember that for Easter we all got to get together, that we had an egg hunt, that they got cool new buckets for the beach ..and not compare what I did or didn’t get done to other people.
    Plus, as moms, isn’t our love for them, isn’t our affection and celebration of the holiday with them the most important thing? I’d like to think so.
    thank you so much for this.. You are a stellar mom..that I know for sure. XO

    • We should never feel that pressure to have to keep up. If it doesn’t feel right for our families, we shouldn’t do it just because “everyone else” is doing it. If we really want to- yes! But NOT out of a sense of keeping up.

      I do believe it’s spending the time together that really matters. 

  19. Oh I do that all the time with all the pictures I see.  I even still do it with my wedding (but I think everyone does that).  Its just life and people have to always try to over the top someone.  But its really the thoughts that count 🙂

    • I haven’t really felt that anyone is trying to one up me intentionally. I really believe they are just sharing what they did- it’s all on me how I choose to take it. 😉 

  20. All that matters is that your kids have fun. I do admit that I sometimes look at pinterest and FB and say…damn I suck!! But hey, at least my kids don’t see the pictures so they can’t see how much I suck LOL

    • LOL That’s true- they don’t see the pics so they don’t know what they are missing!

  21. Every Easter different around here. This year we went with one big gift and a chocolate bunny. I don’t know what it is about the Easter bunny, but I’m just not into that aspect, so I’ve been telling my kids we give them their Easter stuff for years now. Seeing what other people do is good for ideas IF you want to try something new or whatever.

    • My oldest was asking a lot of questions this year about what the Easter Bunny had to do with Easter, why the candy, etc… and really, I didn’t have a good answer for him. I think not being a fan of the commercial parts of holidays is part of the reason we usually don’t go all out(well, that and a budget LOL). 

  22. I know this sounds negative but I kind of can’t stand social media around the holidays. I especially hate when my kids look at their friends’ instagram accounts or my son is on Twitter and Facebook and they see all the wonderful things their friends got. I do feel yucky when I measure myself against the the pictures I see. I know I need to stop but I can’t help it. I wish I was better at that stuff. I thought I’d be better at holiday stuff but I didn’t factor in the exhaustion. 🙂 For what it’s worth, I think you are a wonderful mom. I know that’s not why you wrote this but I wanted you to know that I think so anyway. 🙂

  23. I felt terrible this St. Patrick’s Day when I saw all the cute/clever/insane things people were doing with the Leprechaun theme – “Look what those silly leprechauns did at OUR house last night?”

    All I ever did for my kids on March 17th was try to remember to dress them in a green shirt.
    For about ten minutes I felt bad that I missed this opportunity to be creative and FUN when they were young.

    They’re 13 and 15 now, too old for Elves on a Shelf, or Lucky Leprechauns, or whatever those creative Pinterest Bunnies got themselves into this year.

    But you’re so right. My kids never felt like they got the short end of the stick. They always got a lot of love and family time.

    Isn’t that what the holidays should really be about?

  24. As always – yep. Spot on. 

    I’m not Easter-y at all, but even I was overwhelmed and started to feel like I should be doing something for my own kid. And I’m Jewish!! 

    I’m glad you guys enjoyed your holiday. <3

  25. I love this post.  Whenever I get on pinterest I start to feel like I’m bad at life.  Then I remember that God gave us all different gifts and while I admire the artsy-fartsy, recipe inventint, DIYing, super-fashionable types I try to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made even though I’m none of those things.  🙂

  26. Saturday night as I’m assembling my kids baskets I commented on how lame they were. Very little candy, not toys, one book per kid. Normally we buy the kids something but we are moving and the last thing I wanted to do was buy something else to move so I bought a book instead. I felt so guilty. I did send my husband to the store to buy some lollypops to add to the baskets since my kids told everyone on Saturday that the Easter bunny was going to bring them lollypops and I didn’t want to disappoint them. Guess what? They loved their baskets and didn’t think they were lame at all. All the guilt for nothing! Why do we do this to ourselves? I should have known better, my kids are so easy to please. I’m glad I had this realization before I logged onto social media since the baskets I saw blew mine out of the water. You’re right, we all spend our time and money differently and we shouldn’t compare.

  27. Move to Ireland – we don’t do the Easter Bunny (yet!)

    Kids get a chocolate egg from their grandparents, and maybe one from us, but there is nothing special to open on Easter morning.

    Pinterest and Instragram have a danger of making us feel like loser mums, but DON’T – I let it inspire me, but not to put me down 🙂

    Happy Easter!

  28. I always try to do something for my kids that I know we would have bought anyway and use Easter as an excuse to get it. : )

    We don’t have any family around since we moved to Massachusetts and a few years ago I started to feel like our Easters were really lame (it’s not really a holiday that families travel great distances for especially around here because it doesn’t work into any school break). I suppose my lame family probably coincides with all the great family fun I saw on instagram and facebook. So last year we decided to go away for the weekend and it was the best decision we ever made! Our time as a family together is so limited and it is such a nice time to get away – we all really need it. My children love this weekend and were already talking about next year before we even got home. I am so happy to give them that memory even if it isn’t full of cousin easter egg hunts and huge family dinners!
    I have no memories whatsoever of what I ever got in my easter basket!

  29. Funny you should say this. the BEST of my/my life NEVER hits the blog. None is seeing it. No instagram ‘love it’ or ‘pinning’ it possible. Because it is all in the moment you share with your loved one(s). 

  30. Wonderful advice, Shell — there will ALWAYS be someone doing something grander than anything I do.  At the same time, there will be someone else thinking that i shouldn’t be doing whatever the heck it is that I am doing.  But I know what I want – and, as long as my mind is in the “what is best for my kids?” mindset, I think, at the end of the day, I’m doing good.

  31. You don’t suck at being a mom. Kids don’t need all that and that isn’t what is important.

    Besides the true meaning of Easter…what is important is you can hold your head high and smile when all the other moms that filled their Easter baskets too high, have to line up at the dentist. 🙂

  32. Our parents are the biggest offenders with this. I’d like to keep it simpler. Why do they need Easter gifts? I don’t get it.

  33. I waited until the last minute to get stuff for my kids’ baskets, and I felt bad…but they were thrilled with what they got! I admit I get pretty creative with Elf on the Shelf around Christmas time…but that’s actually fun for me. I did have a friend tell me my Elf ideas made her feel lazy 🙁

  34. Read this yesterday but finally made it back to comment.

      Yes, that is my love hate/relationship with pinterest as it definitely can leave you feeling very uncreative and like I have the ugliest house on the block.   Really though it won’t be the presents or all the extra things, it will be the love and being together that they remember most. 

  35. Our favorite part of the Easter Holiday besides getting dressed up and celebrating in church is the egg hunt. I was just telling my girls that when I was little that we actually used to dye dozens of eggs and we hid those…over and over again until the eggs were cracked opened and dirt was sticking to them. We didn’t eat them, we had fun with them between the decorating and the hide and seek. We had candy in our baskets not in plastic eggs and it was a blast. Kids have fun if you make it fun. It doesn’t have to be pinned to make it worthy and memorable. Glad you cut yourself a break on this one! xo

  36. Yup, I have creative friends too. They do bunny footprints and all that jazz. Me? I just put baskets out and hoped for the best. I am just not a creative mother and I’m cool with that.

  37. I was seeing those same things on instagram, then looked at my boys’ baskets and thought it was a good thing they aren’t on social media so they could see how lame their mother was. Then I realized that this works for our family. We do special treats and events at other times, randomly through the year. And that’s okay.

  38. Oh this is such an easy trap to fall into. We were away this year, which made it even more hectic. I raced around Walmart with Lawn Boy on Good Friday while my parents kept the kids busy then had to rush to Walgreens in a panic Saturday for one thing I had told The Girl I was “sure” the Easter Bunny would bring. We were not creative at all, but my kids spent Saturday having a egg hunt with cousins they rarely get to see. The Bunny hid eggs at Gram and Poppies and we made it to church in the RV park. Those are our Easter traditions. This year, they had the added plus of time with their grandparents. It was a HUGE SUCCESS!

  39. Seriously, I had to scale back on Facebook for a while because I kept finding photos of all the crafts and recipes I was not doing with my kids. It’s easy to boast our highlights on social media. But I figure we all have different strengths and priorities, and we all have junk we’d never post for the world to see. Maybe sometime I should post a video of my kids crying because I refused to let them eat another bite of chocolate bunny before dinner. Then other moms might not feel so lame. 🙂

  40. ohmygosh yes!! I was feeling the same way when I saw all the Easter baskets. Our Easter traditions are pretty simple. We spend it with my in-laws who put together a little Easter egg hunt for our boys and give them baskets. I started feeling like a terrible mom because I hadn’t put together a ginormous basket for them. It’s so easy to compare ourselves with social media being so pervasive. I really do have to check myself to keep my own expectations in line.

  41. Who has time to go all out?! We do simple baskets, color eggs and have an egg hunt. Nothing extravagent, what matters is the time we spend with our children and they love we share as a family not the gits. I don’t feel bad because some of those (most likely alot) of the kids who get extravagent gifts do not get the time they truly desire. 

  42. I spent about $100 on eight kids and a husband. so I felt like I barely got anything for anyone. But it’s EASTER. I just don’t see the point of going overboard for every holiday- I can’t afford it and I don’t want my kids to expect it. The big kids don’t, and the middles were thrilled with socks from the dollar store, and the littles loved their coloring books. And I went light on the candy because 8 kids hopped up on sugar makes me suicidal. But I think I did good.
    I had planned on making something nice for breakfast- we’re a ‘grab a bowl of cereal’ kind of family so it would be special, but we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts for coffee on the way home on Easter Eve and they were getting ready to close and told us they’d give us 4 dozen donuts for the price of two… just to get rid of them. SCORE!

  43. Good for you! I think I have gotten past all that myself. I mean, I still have my moments, but I read and reposted on Facebook a blog last week about taking the holidays down a notch. I’m in total agreement. I think things are almost out of control. But like you say, for the person who wants to do them, go for it! But I think many of the holiday’s true meanings are getting lost and why are we turning every holiday now into Christmas? But it can be hard not to play the comparison game. I’m at a point now that I find some of it almost laughable. I’m glad I’m not doing all that! My kids had 5 things each in their basket and they were just fine.

  44. I struggle with this too but then I have to pull myself back and tell myself that I’m not in competition and my kid doesn’t really care (at least not yet anyway). But yeah, some days it’s hard not to feel inadequate. I just tell myself that my kid loves us and is happy not b/c she has a giant Easter basket, but b/c she’s loved in return.

  45. I believe some people use holidays as an excuse to shop and blow money.  Often money they don’t even have.
    It’s just not necessary, and I’m not buying into it.  Your kids (and mine) are no worse off for it!!

  46. So it wasn’t just me!  I’m so glad!  I was doing the same thing, scrolling and thinking that we just did a reasonable basket and hid some eggs.  We did get him a few little gifts but I didn’t spend much and we didn’t get the sugar crazed child much in the way of candy.  I did, for a second, let it make me feel like a shit mom and then I realized that that just isn’t me and it’s fine for other moms but I wouldn’t be going over the top.  Now at Christmas…that’s another thing.

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