Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Don’t Dismiss the Boys: Pour Your Heart Out

Last week, I told you about my complicated relationship with my scale. How I need to be cautious not to let it dictate how I feel about myself, how it’s just one indicator of health. What I worry about the most is this:

And I’m trying to keep my unhealthy relationship from affecting my kids, who don’t need to have their perspectives skewed by a mom who calls herself fat when she isn’t really. They don’t need to hear me curse the scale and vow to go on some crazy not-healthy-for-me diet because there was a change of a pound or two.

In conversations in the comments and on facebook, as well as other weight-related issues that have come up in the past week, there’s a refrain I’m hearing a lot:

“Especially with my girls.”

Now, I can understand where these moms are coming from. It seems like it’s harder for girls to have positive self-images, that there’s more focus on a girls’ size(wanting to be a zero or a two… when really, have you ever heard a man described by the number on the tag of his jeans?), and girls are more likely to develop an eating disorder than boys.

All of these things are true. Please understand me, moms of girls, I’m not discounting this.

My mom had her own complicated relationship with the scale and I know it affected me more than it did my brothers, even though we all grew up hearing a women who was(and still is) very petite make self-depreciating comments about her weight.

So, I understand the “especially with my girls” comments I hear when it comes to weight and size.

But, our words affect our boys, too.

mom of boys

Maybe not in the way that if their mom whines that she’s wearing a certain size that makes her feel fat… they won’t see that same size on their jeans as a teen or adult and think wow, this must mean I’m fat.

And when they get on the scale and see a number that their mom called unacceptable, they might not feel like they need to go on a crazy diet like she did when she saw that same number.

But their attitudes about size are being shaped by their moms.

Some of it might apply to how they see themselves. If mom is making disgusted  faces at herself in the mirror because she can pinch an inch at her sides, what if he can later do the same on himself? Is he going to react the same way to his own body? Remember that just because eating disorders aren’t as common in boys as they are in girls, it doesn’t mean they don’t happen.

And some of what boys hear can affect how they see others, how they see your daughters. Maybe a son can wave off his mom’s comments about her weight and not let them affect him personally. But he’s still hearing them, he’s still witnessing the way she reacts. And he’ll remember. He’ll remember that his mom cried when her size X jeans wouldn’t go up over her thighs and how she called herself a fat pig. And he’ll see a girl who wears that same size or larger and think well, she’s fat.

Moms of girls, I don’t envy your job. How you need to set an example for your daughters to follow.

But moms of boys need to remember that just because our boys will grow up to look more like dad than mom, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still look to us as examples. Examples of how to treat themselves and how they’ll treat the women in their lives.

So really, the expression shouldn’t be “especially with my girls” but “especially with my children.”

Last Week’s Pour Your Heart Out Highlights

  • The Sisterhood of Mothers from Counting My Kisses: If all moms could give the kind of encouragement to other moms as Amy found, the world would be a much kinder place.
  • Dear Struggling Friend at the Baby Shower from Working on a Project: “I don’t want to tell you it will get easier or better or that it will be your shower one day.”
  • What’s Wrong with Warm Soup from An Everyday Blessing: “But I don’t want to view a bowl of warm soup as an inconvenience either. I want to see it as a blessing.”

Join in Pour Your Heart Out

pour your heart out Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!



Comments

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head Shell. All too often I feel mothers get consumed with ensuring our daughters have healthy self image, often ignoring our sons. You are right, in the end what we say and do effects ALL our children. 

    • I know I’m more aware of the boys side of it since I have all boys, but I still think it’s important that we’re cautious with all our children, boys or girls.

  2. Thanks for making these points, Shell. I agree I don’t want boys growing up to become men who look at my girls and define them as fat or thin based on their mother’s example. When are we going to figure out we’re all beautiful regardless of how our jeans fit?

    • I would be mortified if my boys grew up and judged girls like that. I realized that the way I treat myself can shape their view of how they should treat women.

  4. Being a parent is hard! I worry all the time about trashing my kids’ self esteem. There is a fine line between criticizing and just trying to teach. We tend to have weight issues here with both sexes, so we don’t worry more about one than the other.
    Sandy

    • So, so true. I have a hard time with that line sometimes. I mean well, but it doesn’t always come across that way.

  5. Absolutely spot on , Shell. How we perceive ourselves as women, will affect our boys’ view on women in general. Love all the points you made here.

  6. You are so right.  As a boy only mom myself, I sometimes have to stop and remind myself that I am (for better or worse) what my boys will use as a standard for the future women in their lives.  It’s an absolutely terrifying responsibility but one I have to take seriously when it comes to things like body image and self respect.  

  8. Yup. Those boys listen and see everything just as closely as the girls. And it affects them. My 8yo was pinching his side and asked me if this was fat…. Uh no honey…. That all skin… I think the schools (at least up here) push it a little too much too

    • I think our schools push it too much, too. My oldest will ask me about calories in something and talk about fats.. and while I think awareness can be a good thing, I’m not thrilled he’s caring about it at this point when he doesn’t need to worry about the snack I’m giving him after school. It’s healthy, I promise.

  9. I totally agree with you. Recently, Ry said something about being “fat,” and I immediately told him he was no such thing and not to say things like that, etc. He looked at me and said, “But you call yourself fat all the time.”
    It really hit me when he said that. Boys definitely pick up on these things too! Making a mental note to be more mindful of what I say from now on. :/

    • They do hear it. And whether they apply it to themselves or some girl someday- I don’t want that to happen. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to lose weight, but I’m trying not to talk about weight with them.

  10. I love everything about this! I worry about how my comments about my weight will affect my boys in the future and more importantly their future relationships with women (all women they meet not just girlfriends/wives).

  12. My biggest fear is that my obsessing about my weight will cause the boys to judge girls by their weight or what they see their mom deem acceptable. I tell them all the time to look at what is inside a person, not outside so why can’t I do that with myself? I need to be better for them.

    • I would be so mad if they started judging girls by their weight and making comments about it… so I know I have to watch what I’m saying about myself.

  13. You are right, it definitely can affect boys to hear how we talk about our own bodies.  I think it will make a huge impact how they look at other women and how they treat them.  

    • Completely agree. And I don’t want to be the cause of them hurting some girl’s feelings someday.

  14. I loved this. A lot. Everything we model is shown to our children, everything. No matter what sex they are, they are greatly affected by our example. Thank you so much for reiterating that. It is an important and monumental thing to say and realize. Thank you for the reminder to model better body image and examples “for my children.” 

    This is my first time linking up, and I am so thankful to be here. Excited to check out the other bloggers as well 🙂 ~Jenna

    • It is for our boys and our girls, exactly.

      Thanks for joining in! Hope you to see you back next week, too!

  16. Girl mom here, and I love this post. I know typically more girls have issues with body image, but boys definitely do too. Also you’re giving them a picture of what their potential wife may be like or what they should expect her to be like. If we’re obsessed with our weight they may be harder on their wife/girlfriend about her weight or expect certain things as well. Kudos to you for this post!!

    • Thanks, Jennifer! I would hate if they had skewed views of women’s bodies because of things I say, so I try to watch it.

  17. A few years ago (perhaps more), the Tampa Tribune had a piece on a middle school age boy who had anorexia. It has always stuck in my head and I worry about my boys especially my 8 year old. I am obese and I don’t want them to be like me either so finding healthy middle ground is important. We/I try to stress eating healthy foods, but not limiting consumption at this point anyway, and doing exercise (like riding our bikes), playing tag, or running.

    Also, in a recent Dear Abby column there was a letter from a 5’7″ 120 pound woman who said her boyfriend kept saying she was fat and needed to work out more. So boys and men do pick up on those images.

    We all need to be careful, whether we have boys or girls. And you are right that too often the boys’ mothers forget that.

    • A guy I dated back when I was in my early 20s told me I was the biggest girl he’d ever dated. While I wasn’t at my lowest weight at that point, I was a size 4. But it devastated me. I don’t want my boys to ever make comments like that to a woman.

  18. You are so right. I am mom to “only” one boy (maybe we’ll have a second child, maybe we won’t?) and I want to be the best example for him. My husband tries to be a great example for him, as well, but he’d do the same if we had a daughter.

  19. As the mom of all boys, too, I am with you whole-heartedly on this one.  I was a teenage girl (a long, long time ago) and I struggled with body image, but you’re spot on when you say that it goes for boys, too.  As parents, we need to set a good example for ALL of our kids.

    • I wonder if any teenage girls like their bodies? I’d like to go back and smack myself. 😉 But I hope to raise my boys in such a way that they can be confident and so that they never say anything that would hurt a girls’ body image.

  20. i am sooo guilty of this, and funnily enough my girls overall have a healthy image of themselves … when in reality they could do with getting healthier and moving, and watching life a little more. But they are nonplussed …. my Mom on the other hand, brings up the ‘weight/exercise/moving’ all.of.the.time.
    Life is not easy, parenting even less so.

    • It’s so awesome that your girls have such a positive view.

      My mom used to bring up the weight/exercise thing a lot. She’s finally stopped because I never responded kindly to it.

  21. It is so easy to focus on what the media and what our words are saying that effect young girls and not count how these same things can effect young males as well. The media is full of good looking actors, athletes, and musicians who have a certain look we don’t take into account how this can look to young boys who may not feel that they fit into that mold.

    • Exactly. Everything out there in the media, everything parents say, it all shapes a boys’ perception, not just a girl’s.

  22. This is crazy! I have a post about the same thing scheduled to post tomorrow! I have 2 boys- my oldest is 2 (almost 3) and is starting to repeat EVERYTHING I say. I don’t want him to think the same way that I do about my body size.

    • Would love to read it when it’s up(went over but it wasn’t up yet). They really do repeat everything!

      • I screwed up my days. Being a stay at home mommy now has caused me to lose track of days. I thought yesterday was Thursday lol. I should’ve just said Friday. My poor mommy brain…

  23. There’s a lot of stereotyping going on in our country, including eating disorders only affecting girls. I’m not sure why the need for such voracious campaigns when it obviously can be applicable to everyone but I’m glad you create this awareness post for those of us with boys!

    • I know the numbers are still higher for girls than boys, but boys can still have issues. And plus, what we say and do affects how they’ll treat the women in their lives some day.

  24. From one boy mom to another, thank you! I have been watching what I say around my boys because I don’t want them to think its ok for women to call themselves fat. Or god forbid, they call a girl fat.

    • I cannot even imagine if my boys called a girl fat. But I know if I let them hear me call myself that, it will influence how they think about girls later.

  25. You are right and I think it’s time that we start treating boys the same way we would treat a girl. I know this is off the topic of weight but I so often have people tell me that my son needs to act tougher and not be so shy cause he’s a boy and I know people would never say that if he was a girl. Treat kids equally.

    • There really are so many stereotypes like that. Another that bothers me is that if a girl wants to try something that is a “boy” activity, they are praised for it but if a boy wants to do a “girl” activity, they are talked out of it or made fun of it.

  26. I totally hear where you are coming from! I don’t have any sons though, so when I talk about these issues, it wouldn’t make any sense for me to speak from the perspective of someone who has experience with boys. 

    • Of course. That makes a lot of sense. I only have boys, so my perspective is skewed this way. 😉

  28. Yes, so true. I try not to say anything negative about my body around my kids. I almost slipped the other day when I was looking in the mirror and I was like, “Ugh, mommy needs to watch what she eats so mommy doesn’t get fa–” I stopped myself in time and said, “Veggies are important too.” 

    • It’s so hard. I’m very critical of my weight but I’m trying not to vocalize it. I’ve been working out this month and when my boys ask me why, I just tell them it’s so I can be healthy, even though in my head I’m thinking “so I can lose another 10 pounds and not feel so gross.”

  30. I totally agree with you. How moms react to our body images does affect our son’s too. If we can change the way that future men view women as well as future women’s views perhaps we will see less anorexia and negative body images in the future!

  31. I believe really strongly that moms have a very powerful example on their sons. I’m raising 4 boys, and I hope they’ll learn to be respectful to women, above all else.

  32. I completely agree with you. I have only one child, a son, and I do have to be careful about my own self image in front of him. He has seen me step on that scale with a look of disappointment too many times to count, and I’m ready for that to change. If I model healthy self image, then he will have one. Boys struggle with image, but in different ways than girls. And some of the same ways. They suffer from anorexia and bulimia just the same. It should be “especially with my CHILDREN” and not just daughters. Thank you Thank you for writing this!

    • Our words and actions affect our kids, not just the ones who are the same gender as we are. I’ve been keeping this in mind.

  33. I totally agree. I am the mom of a little girl but I can imagine that being the mom of a little boy is not too different. Our children are our children. They look up to us regardless. It’s important to remember that.

    • I know there are different challenges between boys and girls, but yes, they all look up to us.

  34. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I don’t think I have ever made an issue out of my relationship with the scale. My kids are all teens and they have great body images. None of them have a weight problem, but they are very active and have a pretty healthy diet. However, this is something that everyone should think about while helping their children love their body images.

  36. You are exactly right. I’ve done a few posts where I say especially for my girls. But for my son too. Once I was complaining about myself in the mirror and he got so upset with me. So I need to be a healthy role modelfor him too. 

    • I understand there are differences and there are certain things that affect girls more than boys. But I’d just seen it so much lately with regards to body image and no one mentioning boys that I felt the need to write a different side.

  37. You are so right. How we think about our bodies will also be picked up by our sons. I want my son to see past body shape and size to a girl’s true beauty.

  38. You are right…all children hear and learn from their parents…and it’s hard to remember that when you think they aren’t paying attention to me saying these things about myself…but they do. 

  39. Awesome post. We don’t talk about sizes in our house so we don’t ever think we’re fat or skinny

  40. Yes! It may not effect them physically as much but it may effect what they say or do around other women later in their life.  It certainly matters for ALL children, boys or girls!  Great post, Shell!

  41. You are so right Shell.  I so want my son to look at a girl and see how confident, strong, and happy she is not what weight she is.

    This is so important.  I hope he is hearing and seeing this when he looks at me and when he sees my interactions with his sisters.

    My son and I work out together at least once a week.  It’s fun and usually my youngest, his sister, joins in.  I love that we are feeling fit, having fun, and enjoying time together.

  42. yes, we do need to be careful of what we say to all of our children. i’m careful what i say around both my daughters but also my son. i want him to grow up to be a wonderful man. caring and accepting.

  44. As a mom of only boys, I hadn’t really thought about how what I say about weight and my self-image could affect them. Your post makes perfect sense though — I don’t want them growing up to have issues with themselves or with girls when it comes to size. Definitely something to think about!

  45. I think about this with my boys, too. I want them to know that healthy looks different an everyone and that every body is different. I remember them and try not to be so hard on myself. 

  48. I definitely agree.  So many people are focused on girls because of what they see in magazines.  But, often, boys see the same types of things j=but are just silent about it all.  I am constantly trying to pump up all of my kids confidence.  

  52. Scary truth: My son is 16 and has recently asked a girl to be his girlfriend for the first time. She said yes. Gulp. This stuff is alllllll getting real for me in a way I couldn’t imagine even last year. So what you said in this post is brilliant. We need ALL our kids to evaluate people by their worth, not their weight.

    And for the record, it’s my SON not my DAUGHTER who has struggled with his weight since he was 5.

    My girl is 14 and her height/weight percentages have always been the same each year at the pediatrician. My son, on the other hand, has had as much as a 75% difference between weight and height (on the side of heaviness). His doctor has been advising us to watch his BMI and his fat intake for more than a decade – and it is my SON I worry about in terms of body image and self-esteem.

    Gender stereotypes may apply in many situations, but nothing is universal – except exceptions.

    So great job raising good boys, Shell.
    I applaud you – and I also hope you can make peace with your scale. 🙂

    • My oldest and youngest are athletically built little boys. They are on the slim side, but they have muscles from all their activities(especially the 9 year old). But we are constantly trying to get my middle son to gain weight. The doctor is concerned. Though I know for a fact I weighed much less than he does at that age and I just got the oh, she’s just a petite little thing speech from everyone. And yet a boy is treated so much differently. So many crazy issues with weight.

      I am making nice with my scale, though.

  53. Great post. I completely agree. I think the boys are often overlooked but are just as vulnerable as girls to develop self esteem problems. And your point about how they may view the women in their life later on is spot on. Their positive relationships start at home and we all need to be more careful with our words and actions. 

    Also, thanks so much for highlighting my post from last week 🙂

  55. Great points! I try to remember that example is the best way to show both of my kids how to live and be awesome people! Thanks for the reminder!

  56. It’s true. Many people don’t realize that boys can be just as affected by weight and the pressure society puts on them. 

  57. I have weight issues myself, but never use a scale. I do not want to see the number, and dont think it would help my kids seeing me obsessed. 

  58. Yes, yes, yes! Boys can be just as affected by self-doubt/weight talk as girls. I have one of each here and I tread very lightly on any sort of self-deprecating talk in front of them — I’m still working on cutting it out of my life completely!

  60. Great point about being cognizant of “size talk” around our sons, too.  We want our daughters to have a good body image, but we also want our sons to have a realistic expectation of what women should/can look like.

  61. YES, Shell! You make some great points about boys and body image. They are not immune to that kind of thing either, and you’re so right. I want my boy to grow up believing his body is strong and beautiful too.

  63. I really like this and it’s so true. I got a shock at son’s 10th birthday. His best friend only wanted eater, didn’t want pepperoni on his pizza and didn’t want cake. (What kind of 10 year old refuses cake??) He told me it was because he was trying to lose 10 pounds, (and he’s far from having a weight problem) but he didn’t want his mom to know. So I immediately told his mom…scary that it is happening at such a young age.

    • I’m glad you told his mom. That’s scary! My oldest was joking around saying he was fat a while back and I was mortified. No one would ever consider him fat. At all. But he’s not the scrawny little guy like this younger brother(who we have to try to get to gain weight). It’s all so complex, it makes my head spin.