Finally all the bribes and candy I have been sending Shell have paid off and she asked me to be her feature BFF!! I am so excited. I have been waiting for this opportunity to take over the blogging world!!!!!!!!! (Evil laugh here.)
I have noticed after giving birth to a certain number of children people think I am either weird or a superhero. It isn’t unusual for strangers to ask me how many kids I have then gasp or shudder a sigh. Next they will utter, “You must be the most patient woman ever.” OR “Don’t you have cable?”
I am NOT the most patient woman ever and I do have cable, so I was thinking what makes it possible for a mere mortal to cope with five kids? The guidelines I came up with basically apply to any number of offspring. I personally think three is when the balance shifts and after that it doesn’t matter how many kids are in the family – they outnumber the parents.
1. Call all the kids by the same name. It isn’t necessary to give the all the same actual legal name. I am not George Foreman here. Just calling them all the same generic name like, “Kid” will make life easier. I can’t say how many times I have been in the midst of an important, in depth, heart felt conversation with one of my kids when they interrupt my genius to point out I called them the wrong name. “I am _______.” they will say. By then I have of course forgotten what I was telling them and the moment is lost and they will never understand the importance of cleaning out the litter box.
2. Count them often. I lose things. At least while my husband is haranguing me about losing keys, sunglasses, social security cards, and cash, or the car I can always point out I have not yet lost a child.
3. Space them out so eventually there will be one kid who can also double as a parent type figure if needed. Realize this older child will be a crappy parent, but better than the dog. I mean he at least has opposable thumbs. Older Child will however feed them Fun Dip for dinner and allow the babies to completely destroy the house while he tries to overcome the parental controls in order to access porn. (But he doesn’t charge much.)
4. Standards should be lowered with each subsequent child. I have done this very well. Because my husband has only two biological kids, he has not. He lives with my kids every day and loves them like they were his own, but he wasn’t around during their younger years to experience their baby antics. As a result he still freaks out if Shaye Baby say…happens to reach a butcher knife left on the counter and walk around with it. Whereas I tell her that is not the proper knife to use while trying to saw the cable cord in two. Really a serrated bread knife would be much more efficient. (Stupid baby.)
It is important not to limit this to safety standards, but also educational standards, and fashion/cleanliness standards as well. With five kids in the house sometimes just splashing water on them as they walk by counts as a shower.
5. And finally the last key to surviving a big family…..always wear steel toed shoes. Although my size 9 feet are usually in the same location in relation to the rest of my body it seems impossible for the kids to walk by me without stepping on them. This may be the biggest danger of a large family. I have nightmares that I will be crippled before I get them all raised.
There you have it. If you have ever wondered how moms of large families cope these are the secrets. I hope this helps you with your family, or at least serves as a reminder to use birth control.
(I promise my blog is not all about my weird kids. I do discuss current events, legitimate family issues, and politics there. Also, I lie. I didn’t send Shell any candy or bribes. But I was getting ready to.)