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Things I Can't Say

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Blog Friend Feature: The View From The Shoe

“So many kids, I don’t know what to do.” You have to love the tagline from this week’s Blog Friend Feature. Heather from View From the Shoe cracks me up with her view on parenting… and life, in general, really.  Even though she makes me feel like a major slacker because she runs all these races and I only run to get another glass of wine from the kitchen.  Read her BFF post and you’ll easily see why I chose her as this week’s feature:

Finally all the bribes and candy I have been sending Shell have paid off and she asked me to be her feature BFF!! I am so excited. I have been waiting for this opportunity to take over the blogging world!!!!!!!!! (Evil laugh here.)

I have noticed after giving birth to a certain number of children people think I am either weird or a superhero. It isn’t unusual for strangers to ask me how many kids I have then gasp or shudder a sigh. Next they will utter, “You must be the most patient woman ever.” OR “Don’t you have cable?”

I am NOT the most patient woman ever and I do have cable, so I was thinking what makes it possible for a mere mortal to cope with five kids? The guidelines I came up with basically apply to any number of offspring. I personally think three is when the balance shifts and after that it doesn’t matter how many kids are in the family – they outnumber the parents.

1. Call all the kids by the same name. It isn’t necessary to give the all the same actual legal name. I am not George Foreman here. Just calling them all the same generic name like, “Kid” will make life easier. I can’t say how many times I have been in the midst of an important, in depth, heart felt conversation with one of my kids when they interrupt my genius to point out I called them the wrong name. “I am _______.” they will say. By then I have of course forgotten what I was telling them and the moment is lost and they will never understand the importance of cleaning out the litter box.

2. Count them often. I lose things. At least while my husband is haranguing me about losing keys, sunglasses, social security cards, and cash, or the car I can always point out I have not yet lost a child.

3. Space them out so eventually there will be one kid who can also double as a parent type figure if needed. Realize this older child will be a crappy parent, but better than the dog. I mean he at least has opposable thumbs. Older Child will however feed them Fun Dip for dinner and allow the babies to completely destroy the house while he tries to overcome the parental controls in order to access porn. (But he doesn’t charge much.)

4. Standards should be lowered with each subsequent child. I have done this very well. Because my husband has only two biological kids, he has not. He lives with my kids every day and loves them like they were his own, but he wasn’t around during their younger years to experience their baby antics. As a result he still freaks out if Shaye Baby say…happens to reach a butcher knife left on the counter and walk around with it. Whereas I tell her that is not the proper knife to use while trying to saw the cable cord in two. Really a serrated bread knife would be much more efficient. (Stupid baby.)
It is important not to limit this to safety standards, but also educational standards, and fashion/cleanliness standards as well. With five kids in the house sometimes just splashing water on them as they walk by counts as a shower.

5. And finally the last key to surviving a big family…..always wear steel toed shoes. Although my size 9 feet are usually in the same location in relation to the rest of my body it seems impossible for the kids to walk by me without stepping on them. This may be the biggest danger of a large family. I have nightmares that I will be crippled before I get them all raised.

There you have it. If you have ever wondered how moms of large families cope these are the secrets. I hope this helps you with your family, or at least serves as a reminder to use birth control.

(I promise my blog is not all about my weird kids. I do discuss current events, legitimate family issues, and politics there. Also, I lie. I didn’t send Shell any candy or bribes. But I was getting ready to.)

Don’t you just love Heather? Please leave her some comment love here and then go follow her blog if you don’t already!

Comments

  1. This is so funny! I'm a new fan and will go check out your blog! Good advice, I could use it handling my measly 3!

  2. That was a great post! lol I laughed the whole time! I only have two (and if hubs has his way it will only be one more when we adopt in a few years but I want at least one more biological too) but I used to nanny and this is so true-the balance shifts after 3 LOL
    It's hard to go from one kid to two, then two to 3…after that it's all the same 😉
    Thanks for sharing this funny blogger!
    -Kristi
    @ Creative Kristi

  3. Very funny… I only have four and even though they are getting older I still find myself walking behind everyone else so that I can count them and make sure I don't lose one!
    That may be the only thing I did right in their eyes one day (though some days I think the teens wouldn't mind if I lost them and they ended up at someone else's house.)

  4. I am guilty of constantly counting the kids. Not just mine, but also those that I babysit, and when the friends come over to play. I am some what paranoid one will show up missing. I won't tell if maybe that has or has not ever happened before.

  5. This is hysterical! Next time my husband complains that I'm always losing things I'll be quick to point out that I haven't lost our child yet!

  6. Hahaha! This was hysterical. I knew there was a reason I stopped at 2. 😉

  7. What a wonderful post! I love all the humor and joy she finds in being a mom.

  9. LOVE her!!! One of my favourite blogs to read. If I ever need a pick me up, hearty chuckle, slap the knee all out guffaw….this is where I go. So happy she is today's BFF.

  10. Hilarious!! I only have two and that is all there ever will be! Off to check out my of your blog 🙂

  11. Steel toed shoes are definitely a good investment. Especially if your kids play soccer. Cleats hurt!

  12. Love the power shift comment, that's hilarious…and true!!! I am the oldest of four kids and the way people talked and asked, my mom could not have done it without me…as if. Still, I think it's funny!!!

  13. I can never call my three children by the correct name, I usually end up calling them the dog's name too. One general name is a genius idea!

    Very funny, thanks for all the tips.

  14. I loved this. A girlfriend of mine has six. Someone once stopped her in the grocery store as she and her crew shopped and asked, "Don't you know how to say no?" I kid you not.

  16. I only have my stepdaughter every other weekend and it drains me. I can't imagine how full-time moms of even one kid do it. But I've found in life you tend to adapt to what you are given…and I think that's it. I think we'd all learn to cope in whatever we'd been given, some are just more talented than others at it.

  21. The baby and the knife situation has me ROLLING over here. BAHAHAHAHA! I love this BFF and I don't even know her. 🙂

  24. #4 literally made me laugh out loud- my kids wondered what was going on. I grew up with five brothers and sisters and now that I have my own kids I wonder how my mom did it! Heading over to her blog.

  25. I only have 2 boys and a dog and I can't get their names right…I might have to try "Hey kid" from now on! Loved this, so funny!

  26. Love it! My brother has 7 kids and I have spent years watching him count them when they get in the car. When he doesn't get to 7, he'll then have to think HARD for a minute about who's missing. Funny stuff. Heading over to your site to follow you now! Thanks to Shell for introducing you!

  27. Hilarious! I remember washing anything that ever so much as came within 3 feet of the floor with my twins, but with #3? Paci falls on the floor, inspect to make sure it's (basically) free of dog hair, and on we go.

  28. Hahaha! I'm a fan of anyone who can call their baby 'stupid' for using the wrong type of knife! 🙂
    On my way to check out her blog!

  30. Thanks for the laugh! I have 3 kids, not 5, but I could still relate to many of the things you said. Off to get me a pair of steel-toed shoes…

  31. I have only two kids and have on occasion called one of them by the dog's name. I like the suggestion for steel-toed boots. I could have used them yesterday actually.

  32. I prefer garden clippers for electrical cords, but serrated knives teaches hand/eye coordination. Funny stuff.

  35. Lawd, that was funnay!!!! I love dthis post, awesome feature Shell!

  37. Thanks for letting us in the secrets, although I doubt I'll ever need those 😉 You are very blessed!

  38. I grew up in a large family but the difference is, I live in a country where having a large family is normal and having one kid is odd. Here in the US it's the opposite. Insane huh?

  39. I was so unprepared for the power shift with my 3rd. And I totally agree with the older child. I don't know how I would have survived my 3rd without my oldest helping out.

  40. Im one of 5 that later turned to 9 when mom got married a third time. I was the surrogate parent and they are all fine so far despite fun dip dinners hahaha i will be stopping by her tomorrow!

  42. She sounds fabulous! Hysterically funny. I've heard that after 3, more kids don't make that much difference… it's just adding another to the bunch…

  43. My father used to say that too, if you can deal with three then five more won't make a difference.

    He was right!

  44. As one of seven kids I saw how we wore my parents down. This explains why we only had a single kid, two against one.

  46. This is so hilarious, totally identify with the dumb comments when I tell people how many kids I have and with never remembering what anyone's name is.
    Off to check her out!

  49. My husband is the one who is constantly getting stepped on. It's crazy. Maybe I just don't notice anymore. 😛 Off to go and check her blog out.

  50. Well, things are going a little backward here … I actually found you through Heather's blog today. Both of you are great and I've added you to my button page. Looking forward to your future posts~A possible future stalker too! ;-D

  51. Great tips for dealing with large numbers of kids. My sister has 5 kids too and she just calls them all "HEY!" Looking forward to reading more from Heather @ her blog

  52. I only have 2, but love just yelling "Hey You" so they both have to check in. I also have wicked low standards, it has saved many an argument.

    So I'm one of 6 and can tell you that the oldest did a lot of the "help." She was cheap, too.

    Nice choice, as always, Shell!

  53. Hilarious! I will definitely go and check her out. Thanks for making her your BFF.

  55. Lovin' what you say! And as a Momof6- I can relate! Shell- thanks for the new BFF!

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