I had a dream. I am sure every person on the planet has had this one. The dream of being perfect at whatever it is you decide to do in life. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes you go a little off course but that is where the adventure is.
I am not your average mom (what is average anyway). I would say I am alternative. I have 5 tattoos, my nose pierced and I cuss like a pirate.
On the other hand I am a stay at home mom with pretty traditional values. Before my hubman and I decided to start a family we talked about it. My mom was a SAHM and I appreciated having her there whenever I needed her. I wanted the same for my kids. He finished school and got a good job. I continued to work as a manager for Pier 1, oh how that job took a toll on me! Anyway when I was 25 we decided it would be time to try. I went off birth control and we thought we would just let nature takes its course. One year later nature wasn’t on my side. I was stressed. I hated my job. I had a miscarriage in May of 2003 and when I went to the doctor she said that was a good sign…a sign that this would happen. All my tests came back fine. Well, I had enough of my job come August and quit. 2 weeks later I was pregnant! I take that as a sign. I have a thing about signs. My sign that I was supposed to be a stay at home mom. Silly as that may sound, it was what I believed.
Oh, my pregnancy sucked big giant balls! I was miserable. How could something I wanted so bad be this painful and uncomfortable? I had high blood pressure and the doctors wanted to put me on a heart monitor. I gained so much weight…I ate everything! I was so not the perfect pregnant person! Then before I knew it she was here. She came on my birthday, my 27th birthday. I remember going home that night…yes that night…I have a thing with hospitals and had to so get out of there. I went home that night so tired. I had never been so tired. I remember having bad dreams for a few days after giving birth. For the first days she and my hubman slept together in the guest bedroom. Finally, after a few days of catching up on rest, I was ready to take on mommyhood…oh crap so I thought I was. I broke the rules…I co slept, I let her sleep entire nights in her swing, I picked her up with every little whine or cry, I let her schedule be my schedule. Whatever you say, I survived and so did she….
2 years later we brought our adopted son home from Guatemala. I thought adopting would be perfect. My baby boy would come home and we would have an instant connection. Let me tell ya almost 4 years later and we are still working on that. We brought him home at 8 months old and I still think we missed that important bonding stage. Well 2 months after having him home, we found out we were pregnant. Life had its plan for me…it wanted me to live a life of chaos.
So here I am a 33 year old mom to 3 kids that all came to me in very different ways. I yell a lot. I let stress take over too often sometimes. I don’t make gourmet dinners. I let my kids eat cereal for lunch. If my 2 year old wants ketchup for dinner well I pour some in a bowl and hand him a spoon. When my kids are being too loud and not listening, I put in my headphones and crank up my ipod. I have locked myself in the closet. I have cried over spilled milk and throw up on the walls. I have told my husband that I hate him when I have a bad day. I have thought many times that I want to give my 2 weeks notice…although I know that is pretty much impossible so I pretty much am just saying it because maybe the words make me feel better.
I am not perfect. Some days I pretend to be. But I am not. On the outside people may see my family as perfect. I am a busy mom. I go to College, I blog, I take pictures with my awesome camera everyday, I play with my kids, I clean, I kinda sorta cook, I make our house a home…but I am not perfect. I have my demons and sometimes they win.
I am not the perfect wife and mother but I love my family. My family is awesome…well mostly! I hate that I try to be perfect. That I feel my home needs to be sparkling clean most days. I hate that I might be missing an awesome moment because I am cleaning or studying. My problem is sometimes I do to much, I take on more than I can handle. It is usually then when my demons come out full score. The problem is what is perfect? What makes someone less perfect? We definitely don’t live in a perfect world so why the crap do I keep trying so dang hard to push that perfection to the ultimate degree. It’s a disease and I tell ya if there was a magic pill I would take it in a second.
Some days I just gotta say this^ is perfection so quit trying so hard!
I really need to remember that there’s no such thing as a perfect life, Jen, thanks. Now, please leave her some comment love here and don’t forget to check out(and follow!) A Daily Scoop of Chaos.
This blog has now been changed to The Daisy Approach.