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I’m so excited to be Shell’s BFF! Excited, honored… yet, strangely nervous. My blog is nothing too serious. Not deep, thought provoking, or insightful (like Shell’s). It’s mostly fluff ~ a place to reflect on the day-to-day happenings of raising three boys (and soon a little girl too), but in a lighthearted way. It’s my happy place. So, when Shell asked me if I’d like to be her BFF, I was like SURE! Yay! And, then, I was like… crap. What the heck am I going to write about? Seriously. Like, laying in bed at night worrying. about. it. Well, I’m just going to to stick with the fluff because it’s what I do… sort of make fun of myself and my children (and, of course, my husband) because if I don’t laugh, well… that’s another blog.
For instance, one night last week, my husband and I came up with a *brilliant* idea. We’re a good team like that. It was dinner time, it was hot as heck, and neither of us wanted to cook. Game plan: Divide and Conquer. I would take ALL THREE (well, 4, technically) kids to Hungry Howies (um, I know, I must have had a BRAIN. FART. when I agreed to that), I’d park right in front of the store, and send our 9 and 5 year old in to get the pizzas while I watched from the car with the baby and the baby. While this was going on, the husband would be mowing the front yard. The point being, the kids and I would be back with dinner just as hubby was done with the yard and then we could sit down as a family and eat, relax, etc., etc. Anyhow, that’s how everything played out in my mind. What actually happened is an entirely different story.
I got to Hungry Howies and there were NO parking spots directly in front of the pizza place. Welcome to my life. Not even remotely close. So… we waited. We circled the parking lot. And, n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Finally, I was forced to park a mile from the pizza place. Of course, our Hungry Howies is next to Publix, so the parking lot is busy. Too busy to let those two buffoons cross the street by themselves, even though they were begging and pleading with me to let them go. I had to get out. Definitely NOT part of the plan. Damn.
I got out of the car, waited for the older two to get out, and then turned to get the baby. Suddenly, hysterics. What’s their problem? What’s so funny? There was a red Gummy Saver stuck to my butt. A red Gummy Saver that wasn’t coming off because it was all gooey and sticky from being in a smoldering hot car all day. Nice. I proceeded with unbuckling the baby and when I turned around, the two buffoons had their heads and most of their upper bodies IN the sports car parked next to us (the owner left the window down). First of all, I’m shocked. *big eyes* *open mouth* Stunned. My kids know better than to do something like that. My voice cracked and I sort of squawked GET OUT OF THAT A CAR!!! While still in shock over what they had just done, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Ya know, the one that is usually accompanied by the tiny voice… the tiny voice that says this is going to end badly, just go home stupid. I didn’t listen.
Once we made it through the parking lot, across the street, and to the sidewalk, I’m asked to wait outside. They still wanted to feel like ‘big boys’ and pay for the pizza by themselves. Fine. I wasn’t really even dressed to get out of the car in the first place (and there’s a red Gummy Saver stuck to my arse). Not to mention the fact that the baby was FILTHY and wasn’t wearing any shoes (again, the whole getting out of the car thing wasn’t part of the plan). I watched as they went in and started chatting up the cashier. It’s taking way too long. We called ahead. I went over the proper purchasing pizza procedure with them in the car (more than once). Why can’t they just get the freakin’ pizzas?! Then, the cashier leans over and hands Bubba a quarter… and then Lil’ Bub as well. OH. MY. HELL. They asked the girl for quarters for the gumball machine. I was mortified.
Finally, they came running toward the door, smiling, and waving their gumballs at me. But… something is missing… NO PIZZAS!!! The buffoons didn’t get the pizzas! They went in to get the pizzas, but got distracted by the shiny gumball machine. About that time, I started having contractions and began playing out different scenarios in my head. One of which was trying to figure out the logistics of catching the baby that was fixin’ to pop out right there in doorway of Hungry Howies, without dropping my filthy, shoeless 17 month old, who I was trying desperately to balance on my right hip.
Well, to make a long story short, the boys got the pizzas, we made it back to the car without birthing a baby in the parking lot, and we drove home. In silence. The scary mom silence. One of them, I don’t remember who, dared to speak at some point and I just turned the radio up… the Christian station (because I was really needing God at that moment). Oh wait, it gets better…
When we got home, I pulled up in the driveway to discover the grass had NOT been mowed. Puzzling. Then I caught sight of my hubby strolling out of the neighbor’s house, beverage in hand. And… the look on his face when he saw the look on my face? Priceless.