Laura Crawford is a freelance writer, hunter of food trucks, hashtag abuser, and coffee addict who believes that a proper Bloody Mary makes the perfect stand-alone brunch. She loves burying her toes in the warm sand, and nose in a book, though as a momma of 3 that tends to be a special treat.
You can find more from Laura at sheislola.com, where she writes about the best locally owned eateries, the occasional recipe from her own kitchen, and other ramblings.
About 14 years ago I moved from Iowa to North Carolina. I did this for a number of reasons, but the readers digest version is that I felt my life falling apart and I wanted, needed, a fresh start. To be in a new place. To not have all the negative in my life that was constantly holding me down.
With $250 in my pocket, clothes, and the things I felt were most important to me in the trunk of my car I headed toward the East Coast. I never said goodbye. I left a note that said I was heading out to make it on my own in life, and when I had succeeded I would be in contact.
That was it.
I found my way to North Carolina, sleeping in rest stops along the way. Before I actually landed in Jacksonville, I worked in exchange for a place to live at a Scottish Inns in the Raleigh-Durham area. (talk about sketchy!) But I did make it on my own. And I got married, and have 3 beautiful children. I wouldn’t say that my start into adulthood was conventional, and I don’t recommend it to any 20 year olds today. I did, however, make it through my journey with my family not knowing anything about when or why, really, I left or where I was going, or if I had made it, or….
And strangely enough the point of my story never really occurred to me until a few weeks ago.
A girlfriend and I were headed to Charlotte for a girls weekend and to do the ROC Race. We’ve been close friends for a few years now, but were enjoying sharing stories from our past. The details of my move from Iowa I had never really dished out before, not in their entirety anyway.
As I finish, she looks at me puzzled and slightly horror stricken and says, “Whoa. Hold up. So you left your home without actually saying goodbye to anyone. You left a basic note. Your apartment abandoned. No one knew where you were going or if you arrived. You didn’t contact anyone for almost 4 months. And your mother, MOTHER, just wrote you off for dead? Nobody called the police? No one alert the authorities you were missing? Are you serious? She just decided you were dead and that was it?”
In 14 years I had never really thought about that. Four months after I had left I finally called back and let my family know I was alive and doing very well. One of the reasons why I left was because of my mother, a relationship that I would later realize would never be salvageable was deteriorating at that current time, but at the time I was still hopeful and a bit naive and made the phone call. When she answered, there was no sigh of relief. She simply said, “oh you’re alive. I assumed you were dead by now”, and I replied with a cheery, “nope! I’m definitely alive!”.
One could assume she was only joking. Maybe just blowing off what was probably a very stressful situation for a mother to make her seem as though she always remained cool and collected, never frantic. Well, she did. Remain cool and collected. Never frantic. As the next few years go by I listened to her side of that story many times, and it always ended with the same line, “I just assumed she was dead. What else was I supposed to think?”
I must had been lost in this thought, or my face was starting to blotch with a bright red, my telltale sign I’m either stressed, having a high blood pressure moment, or about to get very emotional, because my friend snapped me back into reality. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that. I just meant, I don’t care how good that note was written or what my relationship was with my daughter, I would never, EVER, just let her disappear like that without some sort of a fight. Ever! I just can’t imagine….”
My mother is no longer in my life. Time passes. The signs you choose to ignore become unignorable. I eventually reached a point where it was obvious I needed to let go of something that was incredibly toxic in my life. And, every now and then there are these moments, like this one with my dear friend, where I’m reminded of just how dysfunctional the relationship was and why I’m truly at peace with it being over.
I actually have a friend that I am in the process of weaning out of my life. She is nothing but negative and she does nothing but bring people down. I don’t need that in my life.
It’s not easy to make those decision, and sometimes even harder to follow through with them. But you’re right, you don’t need that in your life, and you will feel so much better when that negativity is gone.
I relate to so much of this story. I also moved (to NC as well) across the country because some of the relationships I had weren’t healthy. Unfortunately, while I still try to make those relationships work I need to come to the realization that they never will and that’s not my fault.
Wow. That is quite the story of departure. It looks like she did herself a favor of cutting off the toxicity before it got worse. I’m glad she found herself and a little peace.
Sometimes it is just best to get rid of some people in our lives no matter no matter how close they are supposed to be to us,I have done it a few times and I am so much better off without them.
So glad that you were able to make peace with the situation and move on. It definitely sounds like you do not need that kind of toxicity in your life. Then or now.
Wow, what a story! Sorry things didn’t work out with your mom, but it’s nice to see making that decision did work out in the long run for you!
What a story. It takes a very strong person to end toxic relationships. So glad that it has worked out and that you’ve been able to move forward and make a better life.
Wow. I cannot imagine have that kind of mother…one that simply doesn’t care whether I”m in or out. I’m glad you’re at peace.
Sadly, these things do happen. Glad you could move forward and keep looking forward. Hopefully my kids will realize that the decision to eliminate someone from their life was not only necessary for their safety, but it was a good thing.
Wow, what a story. I am with your friend on this one, shocked your mother could so casually dismiss her child. So glad there is a happy ending to your story, it looks like getting away from a mom like that is just what you needed.
Best wishes from a fellow NC blogger with three kids (I live in the triangle too). 🙂
What a powerful story. I’m glad you did what was right for your life. Sometimes people think that a biological parent is some sort of demi-god. They’re just people like you and me. They’re good. They’re bad. And sometimes they’re just down right mean. Whether it’s a friend, a relative, or work partner, you can’t keep people like that in your life.
I can completely relate to your story. I’ve had to distance myself from several toxic people in my life for my own sanity. Not everyone understands why I don’t have a relationship with people that I should but they could never understand how much these people were dragging me down. It’s difficult, but necessary.
I can’t imagine just letting my daughter go like that! I’m glad you have made your own life and have found your own way.
I have no time for toxic people and only recently realized that. Letting go is good. Great post. I’m happy you shared it.
It would be hard to just move away like that! Thankfully I am pretty good at weeding those negative people out of my life, and keeping it that way!
I get it. Things are not great with my parents, but I keep a stiff upper lip for my son. I just hope I do better with him.
Like the first commenter, I too am weaning myself from a friendship that just doesn’t cut it and like Laura, I’m at peace with that!
Wow…I can’t imagine. Thanks for sharing your voice + your journey, even when there are parts that aren’t always pretty. You never know how your story will impact or encourage someone else!
Thanks for sharing this story. I didn’t skip town, but I did move out and my mom never cared to visit or call me. Ever. I got married a few years later, invited her to the wedding but never got a response. She did know I was pregnant with my first of five – but she never cared enough to stay in my life. 10 years went by and three kids later I finally contacted her. We’re faking our relationship now. I’m still pissed off that I never got an “I’m sorry”.
So similar to my dad and I. WE never had a relationship.. I tried to build one and it never worked and then he passed away and it felt as if someone I did not know passed away. It’s really sad.
I too have had to totally remove myself from a loved one. Very very hard to do but once I came to the realization that it was what was causing so much pain – I had no choice. It has been 13 years and I have to say I do not miss that person in my life. Do I love them yes in a different way – do I want harm to them no – Do I want to try again NO!
Sadly these things happen. I was so sad this year to say goodbye to my long time best friend. She still is living an unhealthy life and I can’t be a part of it any longer.
Unfortunately there have been a few times that I have had to let people go. There is only so much you can help a person that doesn’t want to help themselves.
Neither me or my husband are close with our mothers. We both have adopted mothers who we are much closer with
There are things that come up that jar our memories sometimes, both in good ways and not-so-good ways. I guess when it happens, if you’re at peace with whatever you were reminded of, like you are with your situations, then it’s all okay.
Cannot begin to imagine not having a relationship with my family … and yet divorced in May after twenty years together, my ex has simply fallen off the face of the earth when it comes to his children – or his family. Guess it is in the make up of some, and not in others … and we can only teach our children to be different.
Much love to you xxxx
What a powerful story. A few years ago I made a similar move. I didn’t know it then, but I ended up driving myself into a worse situation. I’ve also had to let go of a parent and a few months ago that parent passed away. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that portion of my life.
I need to let go sometimes however I can’t do it. I know I need to however I always feel guilty, so I really enjoyed this and I needed to hear it. Thank you
This is a great story! Such an awesome message. I love this site!
Such a powerful post! Thank you for being willing to share something so personal with us!
I think you did a great job on your own. Getting rid of the toxic people must be done sometimes.
I’m glad to read your story and some of these comments. I felt like the only person in the world who has had to remove myself from relationship with my mom. I haven’t found people as understanding as your friend.
Not that it matters. The right thing is seldom supported.
It is hard to remove ourselves from relationships with toxic people. However, it is so much better for us when we find the strength to do it.
You spoke right to me. I had to let a friend go too….so tough to move on
Good for you, Laura! I admire your strength in this. It’s so difficult when toxic people in our lives happen to also be family.
Wow, that was so brave of you! Yeah, like your friend, I would be heartbroken if my daughter did that. However, I too have needed to cut someone out of my life who was toxic. I JUST blogged it too, in fact. I don’t think she (my step-mother) is giving up yet, as much as I wish she would.