Realize that love is a choice. It’s not just about having that fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach. It’s not a crush. It’s long term. And sometimes that doesn’t always look so romantic. And sometimes it’s reminding yourself that you do love your spouse. Love is a decision.
Think before you blast your husband on facebook. Or twitter or your blog or even with a group of other moms(totally okay to have a good friend that you vent to). No one else really knows what goes on in my marriage. But do you know what they do know? What I tell them. So if I’m only posting about him when Hubs does something that irritates me, you’ll get the wrong impression that my husband is an asshole. (The amount of traffic that post gets from searches about “asshole husbands” and “my husband is an asshole” is crazytown, y’all. It’s probably also really disappointing when women who are searching for that come across my thoughts on the matter).
If you are putting bad stuff out there about your husband, other people get a bad impression and then you’re hearing them talk negatively about your spouse, which can then make you start to rethink your relationship. There’s no need to pretend like you have the world’s most perfect marriage(ew, I don’t think those exist) but if your facebook statuses reflect that you have the world’s worst, you might want to change what you’re posting.
Put your husband first. Your job, the laundry, the KIDS. So much to do. But my husband is the one I go to for support with it all. And he’s the one who will still be there when the rest of it isn’t(well, laundry never goes away, either, but still), so he needs to always be my priority.
Don’t hold grudges. Hubs and I have been married for over 10 years now. And we’ve both done or said things we probably shouldn’t have during that time. Shocking, right? That we wouldn’t be perfect every moment of every single day for over 10 years? It doesn’t solve anything to constantly bring that crap back up.
Have sex. A lot of it. Sex doesn’t fix problems, but it certainly doesn’t hurt anything, either.
What would you add to this list?
Linking with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.
Good advice, Shell. I’d add, fight fair. 🙂
Love really is a decision.
I never blog or update social media in the midst of a fight with my husband, or share negative posts like that. It is not fair to him or to our marriage.
I love your number 2 – I did the same prompt from Mama Kat today and made pretty much exactly the same point.
So true not to blast each other on social media. My marriage is 17 years right now. It isn’t perfect but we do our best to support each other and most of the time things are good.
I’ve tried to explain this to one of my best friends over and over again. She broke up with her fiance of 6 years because she felt something was missing and she needed to find herself. But now she’s ready to date again and wants something long term but every guy she meets, she takes apart… I told her that there is no such thing as Mr. Perfect or the perfect relationship!
Great list! I always tell newlyweds not to complain about their spouse to other people. It changes the way they view them and they won’t forgive them like you will. Plus it brings the peanut gallery into your marriage which no one needs. And I would be pissed if I found out Brett was doing it to me! I would add to choose to find the good in your husband. My husband has habits that make me crazy if I focus on them. I have to make a choice (and some days it’s very hard) to ignore them and focus on his good habits. It helps to remember that I’m not all sunshine and roses too.
I love it! It is so important not to belittle or blast your spouse in public. I think that one thing can tear down marriages so fast. We are coming up on 16 years in November and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard sometimes. But like your quote, I choose him over and over again. I think the other thing I would add is the importance of communication and date night. It’s so important despite the kids, to take time alone!
O’ My, people acually put stuff on facebook?! Too much info, man…. I love your last one. Lots of sex is a good thing 🙂
Great list! I would add don’t keep score. Things don’t always even out. What’s fair isn’t always even, and what’s even is not always fair.
Great list – although I would amend the last one to say lots of sex with your husband, because you know some people get confused. On the first one, I think I read somewhere that people who believe in “soulmates” were more likely to end up divorced than people who thought that love was a choice and can be work. It made sense.
sigh … yes not only fight fair … but actually fight.
If you don’t clear the air, it just gives you a false sense of security until one person decides that maybe there isn’t anything worth fighting for …
I was married for 20 years and it was epic but you have times where it is a challenge and love is a decision not a feeling! ask any professional. And you all that take each other for granted! guess what? if you only had a few weeks to make your marriage right? what would you say or do ? that’s all I had and I didn’t need even that to make things right it was already great no guilt feelings after she passed and that is because we were right nearly from the get go. I hope you all pick right because if you did not? you are in for misery! I was blessed. You must do the things that make her or him happy daily not weekly or monthly! good luck and make the one you love so much smile and love you forever!
Well I follow 3 out of 5 of these so I suppose that’s good. I very much so agree with the second one. I realized that very quickly when all my friends knew was the bad they didn’t understand why I was still in this relationship and that’s because they had no idea about all the good. And that was totally on me and I quickly changed that. That said I can’t and won’t put my husband first. I don’t know if it’s selfish of me or some sort of weird feminism (and I’m usually never like that) but the concept of putting him above all us just gives me a bad feeling. I would never put him ahead of my kids or for that matter myself.
I always get uncomfortable when I see people fighting online…husband and wife relationships included. Keep it in the home kids!
I am totally late to this post but I couldn’t have read it at a better time. The Hubs is driving me a little crazy and I wanted to vent on the blog. We’ve been married for 17 years and with that comes the normal struggles but if that is all I write about, that is all anyone will know or they might get the wrong idea. I really needed to be reminded of this. Thanks, Shell!
I would add nothing to this list! Just stick with your last tip! Can’t go wrong with that! 🙂
Such good advice. Putting each other first, and seeking to build each other up, rather than tear down and complain is so important. And the little things you do for each other do count!
These are such great tips…and so true…I have not read that book yet and I can’t wait!
Yes!! Very well said and the only other thing I can think to add is communicate and talk and date each other still. Eric will often call me his girlfriend and tell the kids I am still his girlfriend as we love dating each other. It is so important to communicate and not assume they can or should be able to read your mind.
Great post! Love that you quoted Allegiant 🙂