ISO a Mom Friend Who…

When my boys were babies, it seemed like what determined which moms I hung out with were the ones who had kids on similar nap schedules as mine. We needed to get out, so it was more about who could meet us when than anything else.

But at this point, we’re on the go all the time anyway. Between school, soccer, basketball, running, and whatever other activities my boys try, I don’t feel a need to add in that many extra outings. I could be perfectly content doing my mom taxi duties and then spending the rest of my so-called free time at home, reading or watching tv.

Then again, it is nice to have mom friends, to have adult conversation with someone other than Hubs. But at this point in my mom career, I don’t feel that desperate I just need to talk to anyone, I don’t care who it is feeling any more. I’ve gotten pickier because I’d rather be at home alone enjoying peace and quiet than out and dealing with drama.

mom friends

In search of a mom friend who isn’t overly judgey. We don’t have to have the same opinions on parenting or politics or education or anything, really. I can respectfully listen to different opinions and I want someone who can do the same in return.

ISO a mom friend who doesn’t make me feel like I need to change out of my comfy clothes if she’s coming over with her kids. I’ll make an effort if I’m headed out in public(okay, a little tiny bit of an effort), but if I’m already home and in my oldest, softest, most unflattering sweats and she calls to say she’s stopping over, I should feel absolutely no need to go find something else to wear.

ISO a mom friend with kids mine can get along with. They don’t have to be best friends. Just be around each other without any major issues.

ISO a mom friend who has a husband who gets along with mine. Again, they don’t have to be best friends. But it’s so much easier to do family nights if everyone gets along.

ISO a mom friend who can understand that I’m an introvert and doesn’t think I’m a weirdo when I do need to be quiet or to skip out on an activity.

ISO a mom friend who eats. Look y’all, I get crabby if I go too long without food. She can have odd food requirements or be picky, but none of this thinking it’s normal to go all day without anything more than a sip of water and a handful of kale chips.

I would add ISO a mom friend who drinks, but I really don’t care as long as she doesn’t give me the judgmental eye when I pour a tub of wine or mix something with vodka.

ISO a mom friend who gets sarcasm and understands jokes who doesn’t get her panties in a bunch and think I’m serious about every silly thing that pops out of my mouth(or lists that I type on my blog).

ISO a mom friend who is a real friend, not just a friend of convenience because our kids are in the same class/on the same team/etc.

Do you find it hard to make new friends as your kids get older? And what would you add to my list?

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Comments

  1. says

    I find it really hard to make friends in general. It’s one of the things I’m working on this year. I just joined a moms club which is a huge step outside my comfort zone for me, but I’m trying it out. I need to make some new mom friends and get to know the people who live in my community. Good luck finding a friend like that, I would definitely require someone not judgy who eats and drinks. 
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    • Shell says

      I had some good luck with moms groups when my boys were younger. Well, meaning that I found a few moms at different groups that I connected with and then we ended up doing our own thing outside of the group. ;)

  2. says

    I do find it harder, for reasons that I never would have imagined before I had kids.
    I have lots of “peripheral friends” and I don’t like it, i want to connect with people and I don’t feel like I am, it’s like :”hit and run” relationships, we cross paths, we talk and then we’re outside one another’s life again.

    I want friends like you do, that see me for who I am and like me ,,,even in my sweats.
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    • Shell says

      I think part of it is just natural- you chat at school or at a practice/game… and then never take it beyond that. And I’m okay having some friends like that, but I also want those really good friends that you talk to outside of that.

  3. says

    I would totally be that friend…well minus our kids playing since mine are younger but hey that’s just one strike right?  I know I am totally with you on this, and now that I’m out of the baby stage I find my need for friendships are different.  I think when you first have a kid you are looking for a mom also going through that survival mode.  But then when that is gone…what do you talk about?  I am also very protective of my time away from my boys so I want it to be worth it and something I totally enjoy! 
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    • Shell says

      You could totally be that friend. Our kids could play along side each other and be fine. ;)
      It is more of a desperation thing when the kids are little. Now, if I’m going out, I do want to know that it will be fun and I won’t regret not having just stayed at home with a book!

  4. says

    This is basically the perfect list.

    I have a great mom friend who meets all these points. I recently spent a weekend at her house, and it was really great when, after a very long busy day, I told her I really needed a short break. She said, “awesome. I’ll take a nap and see you in about an hour?” ……it was introvert-visiting-someone’s-house-for-a-weekend heaven to be able to have that space without anyone feeling awkward.
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    • Shell says

      So nice that you got to spend a weekend with her! I do have two friends who are like this- but they live nowhere near me. I’m trying to make more of an effort here and I think it’s starting to pay off. It’s just that awkward feeling of do they really like me that I have to get past.

  5. says

    Love this list.  I find it so hard to find  real friends.  I am an introvert so I get that, it can be exhausting to me to keep trying.  I find I feel like I put in effort and then…nothing.  
    I have a few friends but some have gone back to work.  The older my kids get the harder I find it is to make friends. 
    I too want real friends.  And I would add not just friends who act like real friends but don’t really care if that makes any sense. 
    It’s like you read my mind.  

    • Shell says

      Makes total sense to me. There are a few right now that I think could be really good friends, but I’m not positive if they just act like it or if they really want to be friends.

    • Shell says

      Completely agree. But since my two closest friends live nowhere near me and I want to be able to do things not just with my husband, I’d like one or two that could fit the bill. ;)

    • Shell says

      I workout at home. Though I think I was too busy trying to catch my breath to talk to anyone when I did go to classes. ;)

  6. says

    I have always had trouble making friends. Add to that living in a college town where the people move in and out about every four years and it is just that much harder. We have a few friends–ones both my hubby and I can hang out with and the kids get along too. I find that I need a friend to go out with on occasion–to have a drink and talk about things mostly unrelated to kids and hubby. I’m a much better mom if I get away on occasion. The friends I got to go do that with recently moved out of town. I’m working on finding someone I can, on occasion, get away with–even if it is only to the corner bar for a drink.
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    • Shell says

      I live in a military town so people are constantly moving in and out of here, too. And they tend to look at me like I’ve sprouted 3 heads when I say that I’m a local. Hubs and I have found a few families where the husbands get along, the wives, the kids… and that is working out really nicely.

  7. says

    Oh, AMEN! You had me at your second paragraph. I do find it harder to make and maintain friends as I get older. I’m ISO friends that don’t make everything a competition. I’m ISO friends that want to get away together once or twice a year. I think it’s important to have a friendship outside of being moms. Having friends that like to get away, too is a bonus.
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    • Shell says

      That’s how I am, too- I moved away from where I grew up, so the only adults I really know here are ones I know from my kids or my husband. Add to that that I’m not the most outgoing person when I first meet someone and it can feel a little lonely.

  8. says

    I find it hard as well. Even if or when I do find someone it’s especially hard to schedule anything so I would add I need a friend who is either a planner or super flexible and can make plans last minute. I know that sounds contradictory but I saw a mom friend of mine the other day and no joke our next available time was two months from now. On the same note the only reason we saw each other this weekend was because on a whim we both were able to get sitters. 
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  9. says

    It used to be easy to make new friends when I was out at work, but I find it harder now I’m at home. I do have a few acquaintances. Ideally, I would like to find someone who shared an interest or two, and lived reasonably nearby.
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    • Shell says

      It did seem easier when I was at work, though I guess some of those were friends at work and then we didn’t do anything outside of work anyway.

  10. says

    Your new friend sounds perfect for me.  When you find her, will you pass my number along to her too, and we can all be friends together?  In all seriousness though, I have a really hard time making new friends, too.  I have a handful of really close friends but none who live nearby so most of my interaction is long distance.  A nearby friend who isn’t TOO close (what can I say, it’s the introvert in me) would be really nice.  
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    • Shell says

      Sure. ;) I had good friends before we moved and then I got hit with that feeling of having to start over and I didn’t want to.

  11. says

    So…I totes don’t have kids, but I have bunnies and dogs! I could always bring them for a play date! The Boxer would be overflippingjoyed to have someone her own size to play with. 
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  12. says

    I find it harder as my kids get older, partly because I moved away from all my friends and had to start over. It’s also because I don’t have time for drama and I have no interest in being around women who bring me down. When we first moved here I joined a mom group and I attended several events even though I didn’t really like the women. I finally decided to leave the group and I’m so glad. I have met one really good friend since then and a couple women I see occasionally. I’d rather be around other women less and genuinely like them than be out all the time. 
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    • Shell says

      It was hard when we moved. I felt like I had good friends and then I had to start all over. I tried some moms groups but they weren’t for me, either. And now my boys are past that age.

    • Shell says

      Finding someone who doesn’t think I’m a weirdo for going quiet sometimes is a must… and hard.

    • Shell says

      It’s exhausting trying to do that. Though I feel like one of the reasons I haven’t gotten close to people is because I haven’t put on that front to fit in… then again, I probably don’t want to fit in with those moms. :/

    • Shell says

      When my kids were younger, it was easier with all the mom groups and such. Just doesn’t happen in their elementary, especially since I’m not military so I automatically am not like the majority of the moms here. I love my blog friends- I just wish I got to see them more often.

    • Shell says

      I enjoy being home so sometimes it doesn’t really hit me that I don’t have someone I could call at the last minute to go do something.

  13. says

    I went through phases where it was harder than others. Like Liz my blog friends are most of my real friends, I’m lucky enough that some of my best blog friends are also local to me. My other friends are either friends I have had since high school, met via Twitter (all locals) or through my homeschool group.
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    • Shell says

      I love getting to spend time with my blog friends but unfortunately, none around here. And I moved away from where I grew up so I don’t have school friends around.

    • Shell says

      My husband was the first of his group of friends to have kids and it was strange getting used to the change.

  14. brett says

    yes, it is hard to make friends as a mom. or an adult. I have found the few friends I can really be myself with and I LOVE it.

    • Shell says

      I don’t live near any of my pre-mommyhood days. All of our moving around wasn’t helpful with this.

  15. says

    I’ve definitely found it harder as my kids have gotten older. And now that my kids are in or going to be in elementary school, it’s even harder to connect with parents of my sons’ classmates because drop-off is so heck. I feel lucky that I have made some good friends but there’s probably only one that meets all the criteria above (which totally nails it). 
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    • Shell says

      We don’t even get out of our cars at drop off/pick up. I’m trying to get more involved at my boys’ school but since I hadn’t been able to before, it’s hard to try to fit in now. I’m the unwanted latecomer.

  16. says

    Oh my gosh…this really spoke to me, Shell. I feel the same way, and it has become harder as my kids get older. And? I kinda care less. I am picky with my “free” time, and I am not as willing to change just to score a mom’s night out.
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    • Shell says

      Oh yes. I have zero desire to make superficial friends just so I have something to do. I’d much rather do something I really enjoy than go out just to go out. I just wish I could find one or two who live near me that I could occasionally do something with.

  17. katherine says

    This is really me. I have no friends, honestly. I don’t do anything with anyone in my free time except my husband, daughter and mom. That’s it

    • Shell says

      The majority of my time is spent with my husband and my kids and I’m okay with it. Just with I had someone to occasionally do something with.

    • Shell says

      That is awesome! I moved away from my friend who I’ve known my whole life and everything was so easy with. We still talk, just not often. Definitely hang onto her!

  18. Cynedra says

    You had me until “ISO a mom friend with kids mine can get along with. They don’t have to be best friends. Just be around each other without any major issues.” My boys can’t even play with each other without major issues. Good luck. I need a friend as well. My friends all had their children 15 to 20 years before I had mine and they don’t seem to get it about small children. It is actually quite annoying because I always understood and helped with their children.

    • Shell says

      My kids tend to get along better with other kids than with each other. I think it’s a sibling thing.

    • Shell says

      I moved away from where I grew up and then moved back and then left again(most likely for good). While I was back there, though, it was so nice to have people who really knew me.

  19. says

    I had a nice group of friends, and I still have them of course, but we decided to move out of the state, to a rural area, and have a child (when our other three are now grown or almost grown). So…I’m the oldest mom, and my interests are very different than the young moms, so yep, it’s much harder to find friends now that I’m older. But it’s okay too. I know they’ll happen at some point, and if not, I’ve got my great friends in Florida, and they do come visit (or vice versa) every so often.
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  20. says

    I went through this kind of thing when I left my job to work for myself. My work friends drifted away and it was hard to make new friends. I’m shy at first as well, so it makes it hard to push pass the “hey, how’s it going” while at my kid’s school . lol
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    • Shell says

      There was a definite difference when I left work, too. It’s easier to be friends with people you see all the time.

    • Shell says

      Same here. I didn’t grow up here or go to college here- all those friends are hundreds of miles away.

  21. Ashley M says

    As moms, friend sand women we HAVE to stop tearing eachother down and start building each other up instead. I’m fortunate to have a very tight group of friends who do just that. 

    • Shell says

      When mine were toddlers, I joined a lot of playgroups. I found moms that way that I was good friends with for years. And then I moved and had to start all over.

    • Shell says

      And yet here, I get looked at weird because I’m NOT military. Oh, look at the weirdo who actually lives here but hasn’t been here her entire life(meaning I don’t fit in with the locals, either, who think you are a newcomer if you weren’t here in kindergarten).

  22. Eliz Frank says

    This is a beautifully written ISO. I know what its like to want to connect with likeminded moms. It takes some time so hang in there… don’t give up

  23. says

    Sounds like we would get along just fine. I’ll grab my sweatpants, a tub of wine and come over LOL In all seriousness – I understand being picky when you get older. There is only so much time in the day (even less of it to yourself) and you want to spend it with people you actually like.  Same here.
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  24. says

    As they say, to have friends, you need to be one. There are just many things that you need to consider when making friends. I find it easier to make new friends when I smile more often. :)