Numb: Things They Can’t Say

things they can't say Anna lives with her husband Mr. Right and their two adorable kids Miss Thang, and Little Dude in Oklahoma. She writes a lifestyle blog Green Eyed Country Girl where she writes about everyday life, household tips & tricks, menu plans, recipes, personal ponderings, fashion that she loves and sometimes she writes about her journey as a photographer. She is a lover of God, her husband, kids, family & friends. She loves all things country (NOT mauve & blue). Nutella & iced coffee are crucial to her well-being.

 

Numb.

It’s not a good feeling. It’s not something I like.

Actually I hate feeling numb.

Recently I had a huge life changing thing happen in my life. Something I never imagined I would have to do, would have to go through. It was a huge part of my life. One of the biggest parts of my life. No, I won’t give any more details or allusions as to what specifically it was. But if you know me personally at all, you would immediately know what I’m referring too.

Sometimes I think I’d like to spill it all, let it all be known. But there’s so much of it that’s not my story to tell. And if you don’t personally know the history, in reality it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal to anyone else. You might have some empathy, but you probably wouldn’t understand how this thing literally rocked me to my core. Tested my faith like it’s never been tested before…..and my faith has been tested.

This thing, was the last thing in the world I would’ve ever seen coming. I would’ve seen death or divorce before I would’ve seen this.

There was (is) so much grief, so much hurt, so much confusion, so much anger, so much disbelief, so much peace. So many many emotions and feelings.

I can only take so much, I can only process so many emotions and feelings, after a while I have to do something to take my mind off of it, read, watch a movie, take the kids somewhere, anything to just simply not think about it.

But there are times, late at night, Mr. Right and the kids are in bed, it’s dark and quiet, but I can’t sleep. I can’t think of anything else.

I feel numb.

I don’t like feeling numb. I don’t know how to process feeling numb, I don’t know what to do with that.

Anger, pain, confusion, all those other feelings I can think through, I can work through them, I can reason everything out. I’m a thinker, a doer, a fixer, I can figure those feelings out, figure out why I am feeling them and what to do about it.

But when I feel numb I can’t do anything. I don’t know how to process, how to feel, how to deal with it.

I would literally rather be in so much pain I think I’m dieing than feel numb.

But I guess that’s part of grieving. I guess there comes a point when your mind and body just can’t feel anything else.

But I don’t like it.

I know that everything will be alright. I know that everything will work out according to God’s plan. I have that faith. And I don’t doubt it.

But sometimes even with my faith strong and my confidence in God, I still wonder why is this happening? What good could possibly come from this? Why am I being tested? What did I do to deserve being tested? Why, why, why?

I don’t like feeling numb, but I know, that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it hurts at times, no matter how numb I get, I’ll be ok. God will see me through.

 

Comments

  1. says

    So hard to know what to say, when I have no idea what you are really going through.  I can say I have been in this numb place before and yes it is the worse better to face things head on and really get situation out there so you can deal with your emotion.  I am so sorry that something has rocked you to the point of numbness, hopefully that will break and emotion can be expressed
    Daphne recently posted..Sprint’s New Framily Plan and Samsung Galaxy Mega Review/Giveaway #SprintCaresMy Profile

  2. says

    Ahhh the numb feeling. I have been there so I know where you are coming from. Life can leave you numb for so many reasons I hope you find comfort and peace and find something to put your mind at ease.

  3. says

    I am not exactly sure what you’re going through, but my best advice is to hang in there.  I have found that when I’m going through a tough time, it always passes – eventually.  Best of luck to you and I hope this passes quickly!
    Robin (Masshole Mommy) recently posted..Feeding Baby CowsMy Profile

  4. KarenH says

    Anna you’ve put perfect words to those feelings! We know that even when it doesn’t feel good and we wonder WHY it’s happening He’s in control and that’s really what we need to hold onto. Love you sweetie!

  5. says

    I know God will see you through to your sunshine. The good thing is when that numb feeling hits you know you have felt great things before it. Just know your great feelings will return. Stay strong. 

  6. says

    Keep putting your faith in God and he will see you through this. I remember feeling like that one time just numb and I got so angry but it wasnt until MONTHS down the road did I realize why I was being tested. As cliche as it is everything happens for a reason.. and I know I wanted to throat punch the people that told me that but I did realize what the reason was so just hang in there!
    brittney recently posted..Potty trainingMy Profile

    • says

      I completely agree, everything DOES happen for a reason. I do feel like this is a huge test even if I’m not sure exactly why, for myself as well as some others. Thank you so much!

  7. says

    I’m totally lacking words as I’m not sure what you’re going through exactly.  I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way and will definitely be praying that God will give you peace as you walk thought this.

    • says

      These words mean so much to me. I know that it can be very hard to know what to say or even how to pray for someone when you don’t know all the details. Thank you.

    • says

      I think that it is time I write it down. I know that once I write it I will feel differently, maybe not like it’s completely better, but differently in a good way. Thank you so much. :)

  8. says

    I totally get the numb. I sometimes tell people our story and they start crying and I don’t know what to do with it, because at this point I’m just so numb. I think it’s a defense mechanism and our body/mind’s way of coping. I have too many people depending on me. I hope you find some peace. hang in there!
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  9. says

    Thank you. I do have people in my life that I can talk to about this entire situation and I think that I will eventually sooner if not later need to do that. 

  10. says

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a difficult time right now. Writing everything down tends to help me when I’m in a similar spot. Sometimes it’s nice to just have things written down, just for me — and so I can more clearly move forward through the dark spot.
    Alissa recently posted..Fashion Friday: BabyGap and Paddington BearMy Profile

    • says

      It really is. I’ve always love writing but in reality writing has helped me learn more about myself than I didn’t realize I never knew. Thank you so much.

    • says

      Thank you. I am a planner by nature but He always knows what’s best while I just try to know what’s best. :) And yes, things do look better now than they did even a few days ago.

  11. says

    First of all, I’m sorry for your pain.  Secondly, I don’t have faith in religion, so I know that it’s possible to still be a kind, gentle and forgiving human without it.  It was a church down here in the Bible Belt that showed me how cruel religion can be, and I gave it up for good.  I don’t miss it one bit.  I feel full in my family and loving others in what some call Christian values.  I hope that you are able to heal over time. 
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  12. Gabby S says

    Anna, I’m so sorry you’re going through something so painfully numbing…I don’t know you as well as I’d like, but this made me want to give you a hug. Know I’m praying for you & I hope you have you find sweet relief soon!

  13. Autumn says

    I’m so sorry :( I hope that you are able to move on to the next stage of grieving when you are good and ready. Sometimes the numbness really protects us while our brain and heart are trying to synch up to process what has happened. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  14. says

    I’ve been numb before and it is truly awful. There are a million other things I’d rather be. But you are right, it will be ok and God will see you through. It’s hard to understand His timing and reasoning sometimes, but I know things always happen for a reason. Hugs to you!
    Stacey recently posted..Age appropriate choresMy Profile

    • says

      Thank you. It certainly can be hard especially when you thought you were where you were supposed to be…but His plan is always perfect even if I can’t see the whole picture.

  15. Ashley M says

    I think there are different kinds of numb. I’ve never felt the numb you’re feeling now but i have been so busy, so exhausted, just trying to make it through the day, the week, the month that I became numb to what was going on around me. But I think with both kinds of numb we have to step back. Meditate or exercise. Allow our body the opportunity to sort itself out. 

    • says

      I agree. I have been in that sort of numb too, where you are just trying to make it. Taking a step back and re-evaluating definitely helps to get me back on track. Thank you.

  16. says

    I want so badly to help you! I have seen some things from you on FB and I have always wondered what on earth was going on! I will pray for you, sweet beautiful woman that you are! I will pray for general strength and perseverance and if there is something specific to pray for, please oh PLEASE let me know!!!

    Ugh. I do know God will use this to His Glory… and in the end, you will come out with a deeper faith and greater strength than you thought you really had. I pray you feel His Presence in this. Oh, how I pray!
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