ChiMomWriter is a writer, marketer, mother, fundraiser, marathoner, wine drinker and music lover. She is notorious for doing things the hard way, and survives suburban exile by blogging about life’s foibles at It Builds Character.
“Austin, we have to make sure that Mommy is really happy.”
Those were the words that drifted towards me when I passed my four-year-old daughter’s room. She was talking to her two-year-old brother.
For her age, she is eerily perceptive. She’s the one who, even at two, would ask me, “What’s that face?” when she didn’t understand my expression. Always eager for my attention, she is the first to read when I’m sad or angry, often coming over to hug me and tell me it’ll all be okay.
Her sweet voice and words make me smile, but more than that, the weight of its meaning breaks my heart.
My divorce from their dad finalized a few weeks ago. Although it’s been six months since we’ve lived under the same roof, it’s been much longer since my children have seen parents who are comfortable being in each other’s company.
When my son, still so much our baby, comes home and cries that he wants Daddy, how do I find the right vocabulary to explain to him why this is our reality?
When my daughter asks why I have a different last name and why we can’t all ever live together again, how do I hide the pain I feel for her?
Some days, I fail. That afternoon I had tried to hide, crumpled in my room. Abby’s appearance next to my bed just fed my sobs, as I bit my fist to try to keep from wailing and scaring her more. She retreated to her room and came back with her favorite things: Bear and Lovey. My endlessly chattering daughter, silent, crawled up beside me and lay there. So still.
When she left, I finally managed to calm my breathing. I washed my face and headed out to try to find words to articulate why she had witnessed that. It was then that I heard my daughter, explaining to her brother how they needed to take care of me.
This is what keeps me up at night. What if the mother I am right now, not quite on my feet, causes more hurt for my children?
Intellectually, I know the divorce was the right move for our family. But the pain and hurt and sadness are not done just because the paperwork finalized. My children are already paying the price for their parents’ inability to salvage their marriage, and I worry about my children seeing their mother’s anguish up close.
I am supposed to care for them and provide the messaging they need: that we both love them no matter what and will protect them. I am supposed to have the strength to guard my words around two delicate children who are trying so hard to heal.
More days are okay than not. Still, that anxiety has already been placed in my daughter, and that feeling of responsibility. How do I take that away?
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It sounds like you are doing the right things. Being there for her and listening to her thoughts is so important. My parents divorced when I was eight and we never really talked about how we felt about it.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..St. Patrick’s Day Activities: Part Two- Read.Explore.Learn.
Thanks. The open communication is really important to me – My mom passed away when I was eight, and we never discussed it either. I remember how confusing that was. Thank you for reading and commenting!
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
This post just took my breath away. I was that little girl watching my mom go through it. It wasn’t easy, but I hope it can be encouraging to you to know that I am okay. It was temporary and we pulled through. And as an adult, I respect her so much for making that excruciating decision. She’s my hero. It sounds like you are a wonderful mom and you are raising loving, caring kids. Lots of age-appropriate open communication will help you find your way through this dark time. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Hugs and prayers coming your way!
Ashley recently posted..Feeling like a hot mess? Come sit by me!
Thanks, Ashley. It IS encouraging knowing that you’re okay now. I hate how my emotions impact my kids. The one area I do give myself credit is about that communication and continually reminding the kids about how they will always have two parents who love them and who will take care of them. I’m a good “cheerleader” – I just need to be more of one for myself!
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
My oldest informed my Mom last week that she feels like the grown up. She is 15. My youngest wants to know when Daddy is coming back and when I tell her that he isn’t – she wants to know why not … but I really don’t know. Today a truck comes to take his belongings to a waterfront apt in the bay of Miami, a real bachelor pad that my girls say they will not visit. What are we teaching them, what lessons are they learning … my heart breaks for them all. Hugs to you dear friend … put the three of you on a plane asap and visit – sunny Fl awaits.
Sisters From Another Mister recently posted..Shot@Life Champions in Washington DC
Oh my friend, what a day this is for you. My kids have such basic questions at this point – I can’t imagine having the types of conversations you are with your girls now. It’s so difficult to help our kids understand when there’s no easy answer about how we got here, either. I’m thinking about you. Sunny FL sounds divine. xo
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom and I were forced to sell everything we owned and move to Virginia and live with her best friend and her family. The fact that you are not talking down about their daddy is a wonderful thing. I never had that. They know you love them and sometimes the love of a child is the one thing that keeps us from simply giving up. You are doing well hun. From the looks of it you are raising smart compassionate children and they are blessed
Southern Angel recently posted..Opal T is what we called her.. Writers Workshop
Wow, that had to be such a difficult experience, and so much for a 10 year old to try to understand. I work very hard to make sure the kids do not hear negativity about their dad from me, and I appreciate others’ stories to remind me as to why that’s so crucial. I appreciate your words.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
You are teaching your daughter that you are human and that life can be painful. And that kind of sucks. But you are also teaching her that you will always be there for her and that sometimes, even when life is hard, the important thing is that you have people who love you. And they KNOW how much you love them. xo
angela recently posted..A Good American – A Review
You know, I was kind of hoping to stay on that pedestal a *little* bit longer.
But I do have an opportunity every day to show her that things get better, and that we always have to keep going. (Her favorite song right now is P!nk’s “Try” – very apt!)
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
When we found out my son had a life-threatening disease at 3 years old, I don’t think a day went by that he didn’t see me crying. I worried the whole time that I was damaging him. When I lost their brother at 22 weeks pregnant, all three of my kids saw the grief that leveled me. I worried again that they were going to feel the weight of having to make me happy. What they ended up learning is that bad things happen and we deal with them, work through them and come out stronger in the end. That’s what your kids are going to learn. Even if it doesn’t feel like you are strong right now, you are. You left a situation that was making everyone miserable and that takes unbelievable courage.
AnnMarie recently posted..Nothing is Ever Routine
I’ve got tears over here. Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through those trials. I am glad to know that you and your family have come through them together, and it helps to know that mine can as well.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
The thing is, your daughter was born with that compassionate nature. It’s in her character to want to comfort and care for those she loves. You’ve given her a chance to let her nature emerge. I bet this is a pattern of behavior you’ll see more and more as she grows up.
While I don’t have a divorce story to tell, I do have the experience of seeing these amazing qualities emerge in kids when times are tough at home. Be proud of her, and have faith in yourself.
Risa recently posted..Heart on a Red Sleeve
I always love your outlook. Thank you. It’s true – my daughter has always shown a sensitive and compassionate heart. It is one of my favorite things about her.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I was about seven years old when my parents divorced; my little sister was just two. What I can remember from that time was a feeling of relief. I don’t know the situation in your home, how it was before the divorce, but in mine? Mommy and always mad and yelling at Daddy. I had no idea why, being just seven years old, but my mom was always “the bad guy” who made the house unhappy. So when they divorced, it was so much calmer! My mom was happy! Who knew she could be happy? Years later I grew to understand that my father had a drug problem and many times my mother would come home to find their expensive things had been taken from the home by him and sold to a pawn shop for drug money. No wonder she was also so mad at him, LOL. Anyways, although it took some adjusting, the divorce was the BEST thing for me and my little sister. Instead of growing up in a home full of anger and dysfunction, we grew up with a happy mother and a much more stable home. I don’t think divorce is ever easy — there is a “loss” no matter what the situation is. My mother “lost” her idea of what her girl’s home life was going to be like. I’m quite sure she imagined us being raised in a home with both a mother and a father. I’m quite sure she pictured herself married to my father “until death do they part” but it didn’t work out that way. So there was a loss that she had to adjust to. But for me and my sister? I honestly don’t feel we lost much. I guess I could say we lost having both parents in the home…but when both of our parents in the home I wasn’t secure or happy. So my situation improved, and today I feel I am the better for it. I grew up and picked a very good man for a husband and father to my kids (we are into our 20th year of marriage and #10 baby on the way!) and my sister picked a good man and they have three children, married almost 10 years. I believe both my sister and I had a better chance of picking a good man due to the fact that our bad example of a father left the marriage when we were still so young. If he had remained as our daily father-figure, perhaps we would have grown up to picked a man just like him? You never know. Sometimes it’s better to have no example than a bad example.
Thank you – I need these stories. My kids were such a driving force in my decision to divorce because I *didn’t* want them thinking that this is what love looked like, and that this is what they should seek out in their own partnerships/marriage. Thank you for the reinforcement.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
So hard, Tracy. I can just imagine how that must make you feel. But the fact that you’re aware of it and trying to talk to her (them) about it means you’ll all get through okay.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Living in the Light
Thank you, Robin. We do the best we can, right? xo
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I have to hold back the tears as I read this. I do not have a divorce experience to draw from, well not one from this age but I do know how it feels to feel strong emotions and not want to have your children see you experiencing them. When is it ok for them to see and know and when is it not? It sounds to me that you are in a tough place doing the very best you can. You are not sitting there sobbing in front of her or giving her too much information then she needs to hear or know. She is a wonderfully perceptive child who is so sensitive and loves you so much. They love us and even when we try to be private they know. I think the fact that you are honest with her and talk to her about things are so very essential and important. xoxoxo
The fact that she is so perceptive and sensitive can be difficult, but I feel lucky that she is also so articulate for her age, so I can attempt to talk with her about what’s going on. And man, thank goodness kids love us so unconditionally. I’m learning a lot from both of them these days. xo
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
Sounds like you’ve got an amazing little girl; such compassion. I know as moms we’re suppose to be the “strong” ones, but I think our kids learn a lot from us when they see us cry. It shows them it’s ok to let it out, we care, it’s hard for us too, and gives us an opportunity to talk about other feelings we have in certain situations. Just keep doing what you are doing.
Kari recently posted..The Playground…
Thank you, Kari!
Your post hit me hard. My husband and I have been separated for 2 yrs. No divorce right now, we are both content with the separation (and it keeps me covered on his health insurance). He has a girlfriend though that lives with him. I’ve dated here and there.
My son who is now 6 was 4 when this all happened, has been the main witness to my break downs. He will come find me, seek me out to make sure I am ok. Locked in the bathroom, his little fingers will come out from under the door to ask “where are you mommy’ or “hold my hand mommy”. The other day he said “I’m glad you and daddy are married, and that we have Cassie too”. I don’t want him to think that is normal for people to be married, and for one to have a girlfriend! But it’s also hard to explain. Our youngest is 3, she isn’t old enough to remember mommy & daddy together & happy, which makes me sad.
Matt and I are best friends, just sucky spouses – and that makes me sad. But we do whats best for each other, and our kids. ALWAYS
hugs my sweet friend – Lori
Lori Vann recently posted..Thrifty Thursday – Week 3!
Wow, that’s a tough spot (and I totally hear you on the health insurance. When everything finalized last month, I got hit hard with that one. WOW). i can totally see that little hand under the door – There’s truly no place to “hide” or get away with these smart kids, is there?
I keep trying to remember that some of these things will be easier to explain as they get older. In the meantime, it’s wonderful that you and your kids’ dad still get along so well. That’s really the best situation one can ask for with kids! Wishing you the best of luck.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I think the fact that you are giving this all thought all the time is what will make all of you come through this ok in time. The emotions are still so raw for all of you, but you are very aware of the reality of what has happened and you are present and there for her – which is most important. The truth is, mommy’s are supposed to be strong, but we are also human and it’s ok that our children see us weak sometimes – it lets them know that they too can have their moments of weakness. I always tell my daughter that it’s ok to cry and be sad but then we have to work hard after we’ve given ourselves that time to move forward to the positive and “dust ourselves off, and keep trying again for better”. I feel like by repeating that mantra she might keep getting up when she’s knocked down in life. At least I hope so, because life is a series of ebbs and flows, big dips and wonderful highs.
I think of you often Tracy. Big hugs!!!
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..Rolling with It #ShareYourLife
Thanks, Nicole. I agree with you that it’s okay for kids to see us human/crying, etc. I think it’s okay for them to know that life isn’t always perfect or easy. I think that’s a great mantra that you’re teaching your daughter. Hugs back to you!
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
Even though I have never experienced what you are going through, my heart breaks for you. Please don’t take any offense to this, as none is meant, but perhaps you are teaching your children exactly what they need to know. They are learning how to be kind and compassionate when someone is hurting. They are learning how to work through pain when bad things happen in life. And, they are learning that sometimes we just need to cry it out.
Kristen recently posted..Creative soul, destructive hands
Absolutely no offense taken at all! I try to build my kids’ empathy and compassion in all areas of our lives, so they’re definitely getting to test it out here. And although my kids should never feel like they have to be the grown-ups or have to take care of their mom, the concept that we all help each other as a family and support each other in rough times is not a bad one.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
That is a super hard situation that I can’t imagine going through. You are however doing your absolute best and that’s all that you can do. And in the long run this is going to be good for your family. As the child of two parents who stayed (and are still together) despite the fact that they probably really should have separated 20 years ago it is better. Its better that your children see you making the steps towards being in a positive loving relationship and not staying in one that doesn’t work and doesn’t make anyone happy anymore.
Marta recently posted..The New Social Media.
Thank you, Marta. That means a lot.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful and painful story. I hope you realize that the simple fact that you’re aware of this dynamic with your daughter, willing to ask the universe for help and show your children that you’re human speaks so highly and positively of your parenting. You’re human, going through an impossibly hard time. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and proud of yourself. Am sending a big hug.
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Do You Pursue Friendships with the Opposite Sex?
Thank you, Mary, for your kind words. Being gentle with myself is something that I am still trying to learn.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I am so sorry and may I also tell you that I have been there. I was divorced with six children seven and under. I worked three jobs and worried all the time. They have become amazing adults who know and understand that I did the best I could with what I had. They support me and love me and care for me. My relationship with them has only gotten better as they have gotten older. Ten years after my divorce, I met an amazing man. He married me with teenagers! And loved us all. We have three more girls and have now been married 18 years. I am loved like I have never been loved before. I can tell you that it was never easy, but if I could go back and change things, I can honestly say that I would not because I believe that Heavenly Father knows what we are capable of. And even if it is hard, His timing is perfect. I know that you will do well. I know that it hurts, but I also know that you will heal. Your children will remember you for he amazing mother that you are.
Pattyann recently posted..Five Minute Friday – What Your Mama Did
Thank you for sharing your story, and for the possibilities of what could be on the other side of all of this. I am glad to know that you found someone to provide the loving relationship you deserved, and that your family has remained so strong. Such wonderful blessings – and I’m a sucker for a good love story!
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I think it’s ok for them to see that you’re sad. Not the gut-wrenching sobbing, but mini meltdowns are ok. I remember telling my kids, I know you’re sad, and mommy’s sad too, and it’s ok to cry.
Very true. I need to work on reigning myself in on the particularly difficult days, but the act of crying, itself, in front of the kids is not bad.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I think its good for our children to see us struggle at times. To understand that we are human and not always “supermom.” Because regardless, life is full of struggles… and at some point our children will hit a struggle that tears them apart. When that happens, I want them to realize that they aren’t the only one… that it is not abnormal to go through times of struggle. On the occassions where I have been caught in my struggles by my kids, after I have gathered and composed myself I always pay them a visit, give them a hug, thank them for the hug of support and tell them that sometimes mommy is sad… but I am so greatful when I’m sad or confused, that they are in my life…
Kate F. recently posted..The Busy, On-the-Go Momma’s 3-Step Guide to Maintaining Work-Life Sanity: STEP 3
Because the kids latch onto and repeat so many little pieces of what I say, I’ve been trying to focus on lines that are catchy or stick with them as easy to remember. Right now, it’s telling them as often as possible that they are “the joy in my heart.” I tell them when I’m happy, and in the moments when I’m sad, I remind them to help them understand that I’m not sad because of them.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
I’m ten years down the line from that moment that you describe: sobbing with my young (7 year old) son who has always had empathy and perception beyond his years appearing next to me — frightened that he can’t help –
And I will tell you this: My kids know that while I’m strong, I also have moments of fear and anguish and anxiety and loneliness — but the lesson they learn is that I get up, wash my face, take a deep breath and go forward embracing what joy I can find.
They will benefit from seeing your humanity. I promise.
Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness recently posted..If you love them, let them go.
Thank you – Just thank you. It really helps to hear it from someone who has more distance down the line than me.
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
How heartbreaking to read this story. I am so so sorry you have to be going through something so devastating while trying to raise two little ones! They are precious and so compassionate that little sweet thing is!! It must be so difficult for you to hold it together at times. And all these comments are so true… and I will add that you are inadvertently teaching them how to handle crisis and endure adversity. In it there is pain, but there is also strength in expressing that pain. This is a powerful life lesson!
Chris Carter recently posted..February Friend #6
They are definitely learning that tears are okay! I hope at some point I can show them how to get through adversity with grace, but I’m not sure I’m there yet!
chimomwriter recently posted..Doubts that lurk in corners
Oh, geez. I wish I had words to make it all smooth over and make you feel better. I’ll try to say what my heart feels here, though. And I hope they help some.
Our kids are amazing. They’re intuitive and smart. Sharper than we give them credit for and they blow us away. Frequently. Your daughter sounds incredible. Precious. Precocious. Adorable. Smart. She wants you to be happy. You’re her mom. My own child does this, gives me a “there there” when she sees I’m sad. It’s human to show her these emotions and you are NOT hurting her or your son by doing so. Huge hugs to you and to your family. You will get through these days.
Andrea recently posted..High School Hairdo Discussion #Vlog
Those words were perfect. Thank you.