Sometimes I can be a tad competitive.
I hate to lose trivia games or scrabble or a few other games.
And then there are other times when I just laugh and have fun.
I’m selectively competitive.
Now that all three of my kids are playing sports, there’s a question of how much we should talk about the “winning” aspect of sports.
At this stage, the primary focus of soccer should be learning necessary skills and how to work together as a team.
Not who can score the most goals or win the most games.
Note: my three boys are on all different ends of the spectrum when it comes to their abilities- so I have this perspective as a mom of a good player, a decent player, and one who needs practice. And no, I won’t tell you which is which.
But, it should be a learning experience for all the kids at this age.
While kids do usually know who won the game(except maybe the four year-olds who only care about the snack), it shouldn’t all be about that.
Soccer, or whatever sport your child is playing, should be about learning and improving.
I’m not one of those moms who thinks that kids should be rewarded for nothing… and I think sometimes we go overboard in trying to say “everyone’s a winner!”
But I’m also not siding with the parent who screamed at his 6 year old “If you let them score on you, you’re going to be running laps after the game!” as his son was playing in goal.
I think there’s a happy medium in there, where we should focus on getting every child to play to the best of their ability.
Praise what they did right and what they’ve improved on.
And work on what they still struggle with.
But not make it all about the final score of the game.
At least, not when you are dealing with beginning rec soccer.
Save that for when the kids are a little older and playing in a competitive league.
And even then, kids need to learn that sometimes, they can play the absolute best that they could and still end up losing a game.
What do your teach your child about winning/losing?
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I 100% share your perspective on this one. When they are young, it should be about sportsmanship and learning the game. My son is in first grade and loves soccer – yet if the coaches were too hard on him, it would ruin the game for him forever. Happy medium works for me!
ilene recently posted..Costco Diva
My second grader’s coach is crazy hard on him. I’m not really comfortable with it.
Love this post Shell. While my kids aren’t playing team sports yet, I see the beginning of this shaping up. With my oldest, he doesn’t like trying anything that he thinks he’s not good at or that he won’t win. It can be anything from even playing soccer for fun (because he thinks he won’t be good) to running down the sidewalk (because hes not fast enough) to playing board games (he always wants to win). We are trying out hardest to teach him that it’s not always about winning and we try to emphasize trying his best. It’s hard and a fine balance between pushing him to at least try vs. pushing him too hard.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Are you strong?
Your oldest sounds a lot like mine!
I agree — there has to be a happy medium when they are younger. It can’t all be about winning, but you want them to try their best. And, those 4 year-olds are right — the snack time is important stuff! (I remember playing soccer as a kid and getting excited at snack time, long after I was 4…)
OneMommy recently posted..A Letter to My Daughter
I still like snack time.
I agree–it should totally be about having fun and learning to do your best. I mean really, unless the parents can point to the child who will play in the World Cup, just let them be kids, you know? The life lessons matter more than the soccer skills.
Natalie @MamaTrack recently posted..Pick Me
EXACTLY. This isn’t the competitive league!
I absolutely think kids need to learn about losing. I think learning to lose gracefully, even while playing your best, teaches them more than letting everyone win all the time. It shows there’s room for improvement and that there’s something to be said for the process of the work involved just to get in shape and play. But oh, the poor kid being threatened with laps? Oh my heart
angela recently posted..Letting Them Choose
I was so shocked when that parent yelled that!
We don’t do sports, but we do board games and card games. And I don’t let my kid win. I play my best and sometimes I win. She plays her best and sometimes she wins. And she has had to learn to lose with grace, and win with grace….okay, we do a little smack talking, but all in fun, and never mean spirited.
The kid who had to run laps? I feel so sad for him.
Tracie recently posted..Hope Fills My Life
I think it’s important to teach kids about losing along with winning. And smack talk can be fun.
I think you speak of that happy balance that I aim for with my children. Now, it’s just a matter of well, balancing it.
Alison recently posted..Digging Deep
Actually getting that happy balance is where the struggle comes in!
I think it’s important to teach our kids to lose well and to win well. It’s difficult to do without a bunch of tears, but not impossible. We like to have our kids enter Reflections every year and then we celebrate the wins and the losses. It’s easier there than in sports.
Sandy
momof12 recently posted..Guest Blog – Brain Drain by Sweetie
I figure it would come up even without sports- things played in school.
I agree that we have to find that happy medium when kids are learning. But I think even as they get older, parents need to dial back the punishment and yelling when their kid doesn’t do well. Let the coach handle the team including my kid, ya know. I have older boys too and I see parents really make their kid feel worse when they mess up even though it is obvious the kid is mad at himself. And you know the coach is going to do something in the locker room or practice. I guess it is always a tough balance.
Denise recently posted..PYHO: You need to be quiet, Mommy has a headache
I really don’t see the reason to yell at the kid for that. They know they messed up. Or sometimes, it wasn’t even all on them. At one of the games last week, a goal was scored and one of the players went up to the goalie and made some rude comment about the goalie letting the ball go in. And I was thinking sheesh- yes, the ball went in, but it also went past all the defenders, too. I would have wanted to yank my child off the field if it had been mine who had said it!
I posted about this…sort of… on Monday! Winning, losing, learning the game, trying you best are all part of life and I don’t think, once kids get beyond those early years and have learned the skills, we should protect them from all that. Equally or even more important, is learning good sportsmanship and how to be a gracious winner AND loser!
Single Mom in the South recently posted..A Boy and His Bucket List
So very true!
I think some parents go way off the deep end with little kids and sports. Almost as if they are trying to live their frustrated sports lives through their children. I agree with you that there has to be a happy medium – praise them for what they did right and tell them what they can improve on.
Barbara recently posted..What about dinner?
It really can get so extreme!
I absolutely believe our children take their belief in sportsmanship from the behaviors of the adults around them. I agree with everything you said, now if we could get some of the parents to chill. I get sick when I see parents like the father you described, realizing without saying it he is telling his child he isn’t enough. That is a hard thing to swallow when you are young, and even if that is not what the parent meant that is what the child heard.
Angel recently posted..Tim Burton’s Genius, Johnny Depp’s sexiness and a giveaway you want to win
That’s true. It can be really hard on the kids.
That’s a tough one we are working to improve on here. Saturday kiddo’s team lost for the first time in a year. The rest of the team seemed okay–coaches (including Coach Hubby) gave a good pep talk. My kiddo, of course, was the one pouting, refusing to huddle, saying it was no fun unless they won. ::sigh:: We have A LOT of work to be done. I’ll be reading comments for suggestions.
And I agree with you and Angela–there is much to be learned from losing.
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice recently posted..Now What—>Writing Goals
First loss in a year is probably harder to take than if it happens more often, you know?
We are working on being willing to play with others and not have them watch us do it all.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Tell Me Mom! Why Are We Here?
Important lessons at this age!
My kids keep track of the number of goals and how well they did – they don’t need us to remind them. We celebrate their achievements with them and encourage them where they lack. I don’t yell at them their mistakes across the field (can they really hear anyway?) but if they happen to wander my way during the game I will remind them what they are supposed to be doing.
Angie recently posted..When looking young is not a good thing.
Oh for sure- I will yell at mine… or maybe that’s the wrong word. I’ll remind them what they should be doing in a loud enough voice that they can hear on the field.
I’m with you, Shell…it’s important for our children to learn that winning isn’t everything…but they also need to understand that they won’t always win. And that’s just fine.
Sue recently posted..Goodbyes
It’s hard to balance both sides of it.
Sports are such a tricky thing, aren’t they? I can be pretty competitive too. However, I have to remember why I encouraged both the girls to be in sports in the first place. I want them to learn about team work, community, leadership, physical and mental strength, and of course, how to be a good sport. Although it is nice to win, as long as those other things are mastered, I guess that is all that really matters.
Emily recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: The gift I almost didn’t give
Though half the time, I dont’ even know the score b/c I had to turn away to check on my other kids for a little bit. That helps.
This is a great reminder.
Buddy has his first hockey game of the season this Friday night. Last season, he didn’t score any goals, but he played hard. This morning, as we were getting ready, he said, “Mom, do you hope I score a goal on Friday?” As a naturally competitive person, hell yes I hope he scores a goal! Of course I didn’t say that. I told him that while I hoped he scored a goal because I know it would make him very happy, it would make me very happy and proud just to know that he tried his best out there and skated hard.
I’m constantly having to check my natural competitiveness since having kids. Buddy is overly competitive and I can’t feed him in any way. On the other hand, Buster is the least competitive kid I know, so I have to hold myself back so he can relate to me. It’s a constant balancing act.
Kmama recently posted..Babies are Expensive!
It is hard to try to balance out how we feel with what we say to our kids. B/c I hope mine score goals or not let any in if they are playing goalie. But I don’t want to make them feel like they failed if they don’t score or if someone scores on them.
I couldn’t agree more. At the beginning level it is totally instructional and should be treated as such. And we do preach especially to our oldest two that 100% effort counts even more than winning or losing. And we have had some major heartbreaks in their young competitive careers. What I am struggling with right now is that my two oldest are at the competition level in their sporting careers while my youngest is not. My youngest though takes her cues from the oldest which can sometimes be a problem when she gets with her teammates. Yup – right now I have that child!
Making It Work Mom recently posted..Another Tween
Oh, I can imagine that would be a struggle!
I am definitely not one who thinks everyone should get a participation prize or that winning doesn’t matter. Sometimes winning does matter (like when you are in a presidential race or bidding a job that will support your family).
When it comes to my kids, though, I want them to learn enjoying their hobby is “winning” enough. The intrinsic reward of playing, feeling you’ve done a good job, being with friends is so much more than the final score or a medal for participating. This is what I want my kids to get–the intrinsic reward, not the extrinsic.
Where is the ME in Mommy? recently posted..More is Less
Totally agree.
I’m really only in it for the snack also! I agree with your balanced approach and hope that sports will teach my kids how to be on a team and take in and give support in a group. Oh, and get some exercise! I hope my girls find sports they really enjoy playing – so far basketball and softball are in the mix – win or lose. I’ve seen the parents who yell and bribe and berate their children and I don’t understand it. I save that for my kids’ academic pursuits
! Great topic and post!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Image Management
Ha! Yeah, academics, I look at a little differently.
My boys are too young (1 and 2 1/2) to really know anything about competition. My older son LOVES sports and we encourage his love of it by taking him to games and playing in the backyard. Once he does get to an age where he can actively participate in a sport, I’m not sure I’ll be. I know I won’t be the crazy one threatening my kid with laps or the cheerleader who thinks every lose is really a win. All I know is that I’ll be there at every game cheering him on from the sidelines and encouraging him.
And I think that’s what us moms are supposed to do!
Agree. I played soccer starting at age 3 and played through college. I saw way too many of those parents screaming at their kids. My parents never pushed, didn’t particularly like sports at all, and were just happy I found something I loved to do. I’m trying to follow their lead with my own kids. I don’t push. I have only one rule- if they start something they must finish it. They can’t quit in the middle of a season and they must go to practices. Other than that, I let them find their way and discover their own passions.
Delilah recently posted..So What?
I agree about not quitting. Not in the middle of the season.
Though sometimes, I’m the one who wants to skip a practice.
We’re only beginning to have to deal with this. It is our first soccer season. We’ve lost every game. Right now, Julia doesn’t realize it, but I know she will soon. I’m not sure what I’ll be telling her, so I’ll be reading these comments and hopefully getting some ideas.
Carolyn recently posted..The Blurter
My oldest’s team pretty much gets creamed every game. It’s hard when there isn’t an occasional win to balance it out.
Oh wow, you and I are two peas in a pod. I’m selective about my competitiveness too! Not easy to contain our enthusiasm or our desire for them to succeed! lol There has to be a happy medium. I’m still searching for it!
Mimi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Much Randomness
Actually finding that happy medium is always where I struggle.
Yes! My kids aren’t quite ready for sports yet, but this is exactly how I feel on the subject. I like what you said about not over-praising. Words, accolades, and trophies should matter. But the kids shouldn’t have to perform like Olympians to achieve it.
hilljean recently posted..My Dark Passenger: Fear And Rheumatoid Arthritis
Yes, exactly!
Neither of my kids are in sports, so I can’t say anything with any authority. But I think I agree with your happy medium stance.
just JENNIFER recently posted..This Amazing Blogging Thing
Sports are an interesting new angle on parenting.
You’re right that when they’re younger it’s about learning skills and how to cooperate. It shouldn’t always be about who wins, but also, I’m not all about the whole rewarding people for every little thing either. There’s got to be some balance in there.
But oh, I can be competitive too.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Just the Way You Are
It’s such a hard balance!
oh yes, THIS.
I have a lot of feelings about how we will handle the losing /winning aspects of playing sports when it starts next year.
I dread it really. I, like you, can be very very competitive about my own life but I don’t want the boys to feel any pressure beyond team building and having fun.
I simply don’t want them to have any trepidation with trying new things, playing new sports, or saying no to something. I get this and am really really glad you wrote this my friend.
It really should just be about trying and learning to start with.
I’m still trying to get past my son sitting down in the middle of the field during soccer because he’s just not into it anymore. LOL. But I agree…you have to teach them that they aren’t going to win every time. (And I’ve just recently stopped letting him win at board games, etc.)
Mary recently posted..10 Reasons Turning 35 Can Kiss My Ass
Ha! It cracks me up when kids do that. I swear, it happens every game.
This just makes me all nervous thinking about basketball…my boys BOTH start Basketball in November. Ick.
MiMi recently posted..Disneyland on a Dime
Hopefully, it will be easy on y’all!
The younger field hockey team that I coach consists of 3rd and 4th graders. The county does not keep scores at these games but the girls are always trying to figure it out. When they ask me at the end of the game what the score was, I say, “I have no idea. I was too busy watching you all play so awesome.” or something like that. For me, at the younger level of play, it is all about team and skill building.
For my older team, I tell them that they have to go in wanting to win but that I will be proud win or lose if they play well, smart and strong.
Kristen recently posted..Dinner Battle With A Picky Tween
I love your attitude!
I totally agree. Last night when my husband took my son for a skate on the ice, there was this mom who kept pushing her daughter to skate faster harder..etc…and that little girl was. But her mom kept shouting that she wasn’t doing good enough, that she wasn’t going to go anywhere with those skills. Awful
Kimberly recently posted..When Words Fail
Makes you feel so bad for kids who have to deal with parents like that!
I totally agree with you…and one things I hate in today’s culture is the “everyone gets a trophy” thing we have going on….sure, try your best and work to improve…but as you get older you have to learn that not everyone’s going to win…and that’s okay…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..The Armpit Sniff
For sure. No reason for “participation trophies.”
Except with the four year olds. B/c they are just cute.
Nate is still at that age where it’s just fun to play, he’s three. My 13 (almost 14, I used to babysit him when he was an infant, ahh!!) lost a big tournament recently. He switched to a ‘better’ soccer team and they haven’t been winning but he’s been playing great and doing his best. My Aunt just keeps telling him that’s what counts but he hates losing, we all do sometimes! You have such a great perspective on these things!!
stephanie @ babe’s rockin’ mami recently posted..Coming into the Last Century
Though putting that perspective into action sometimes trips me up.
I am so with you on being selectively competitive! I also agree that there should be a happy medium between “everyone’s a winner” and one notch below olympian-level-expectations! Best of luck to you as your children grow, learn & develop new skills through the wonderful world of sports.
Kelli @ Momma Needs a Beer recently posted..I *heart* Autumn
Thanks! I figure it will be a struggle to keep the balance.
It’s really tough. We started Landon in a little soccer team when he was 3.5 and it was amazing to me how many parents yelled at their young children about going to get the ball or kicking a goal. My husband kept telling him, “As long as you’re having fun, that’s all that matters.”
molly recently posted..31 Days of the Shred: Day 2
Especially at that age!
One of the kids on the 4y/o team scored a goal in the wrong goal. And his dad lost it. Meanwhile, I was cheering b/c I always cheer for any of the 4y/o’s who score a goal.
I feel the same way. There has to be a happy medium between “we’re all winners” and “winning is everything”.
christine recently posted..Happiness: It’s a Start
Finding that happy medium… that’s the goal!
We work on attitude ONLY with one of my kids because she’s entirely too hard on herself. I don’t really care at all of kids win or lose, I just want them to have good sportsmanship.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..What’s Your Safe Place?
Such an important thing to learn!
I’m pretty middle of the road with competition, too. I think we send the wrong message to our kids by saying that they all deserve a price and that everyone is a winner. Because that’s not how life really works. But, I don’t agree with over-competing either. That’s not a healthy mentality to grow up with at all. Good Sportsmanship goes a lot further than a winning trophy.
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..My Favorite Moments
Good sportsmanship should be the goal at this age!
We’re not there yet but for now, I let Jellybean try things. And fail. Get frustrated. Disappointed. Because that’s life and I’m not always going to be there to make things better!
Diana recently posted..Presenting Jujube
So very true!!
I agree. I think there needs to be a happy medium. If my kid wants to commit to a sport, I want him to put a lot of effort into it. However, it is just a game. There is only so much you can do. I’m not going to beat my kid over the head for losing, but I am going to encourage him to do better. Thanks for hosting!
Tulip recently posted..Mom’s Library #15
No reason to get upset over a loss at this early stage. And really, not much later, either.
I agree completely! I, too, have kids with all different strengths and abilities. Learning to play a game, work as a team and improve individually and all together is more important than the win/loss column!
For sure. They have to learn that!
I recently read something about how kids need to learn how to lose and that you can’t always win. I think that on the one hand, when they’re little, they should have fun. ON the other, they need to know that in life, not everybody wins. It’s a fine line, like anything else.
Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) recently posted..The System Sucks (My Energy Out)
Everything with parenting: such a balance.
Well said, Shell!
Leigh Powell Hines @Hinessightblog recently posted..Cackalacky Game Day Dip
Thanks, Leigh!
Wow- telling a 6 year old they will have to run laps?? Yea, that is way too far and wrong. I also have the star and the well get distracted by the clumps of grass on the field soccer players– so yes definitely can see both sides of it. I think as long as they are trying their hardest and always trying to play than I am happy. If they aren’t pushing themselves or trying-then yes I will get after them. If there best is still the worst player on the field than that is fine as long as it is their best.
Emmy recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Report Cards
For sure- it’s about how they are trying, not really the end result.
This is one of those things that I always wonder when it became an issue. I just remember knowing that striving to win but handling losing graciously was part of good sportsmanship. I don’t remember how I learned that. I thought it just comes from participating and examples from adults and their attitudes. And knowing that the dad screaming at the kid was a jerk.
I think it’s just times being different. We were never handed anything unless we earned it, where there’s such a push these days to reward kids no matter what, to build up their self-esteem. :/
Oh no! I so hope the mean parent that makes their kid run laps is fictional. Wth?? My kids hate sports. I wish they had an interest in getting out there at all. I would be happy to loose every game, as long as they were playing one!!
adrienne recently posted..5 Places Your Teen Son is Sure to Go!
Nope, really happened. The other parents and I just sort of looked at each other like WTH was that?
There are always going to be those obsessed with winning. Being competitive is not always bad but when you instill it as something super important at such a young age you can affect that child more than you think. We don’t want our children to associate everything in their life as a competition or that winning is the only way. Confidence is what needs to be pushed at a young age and postivie reinforcements is the way to go.
Charity Deleon recently posted..Your always the victim
Competitiveness can be a good thing- that strive to want to do better. But it has its time and place.