I know it’s not fair to expect you to understand if I don’t explain.
I know that sometimes my son does things that make you look at him and wonder what is going on with him.
The way that you look at him and then look at me and raise your eyebrows.
Or the way that you turn and whisper to the parents around you, while glaring at me.
You are wondering, questioning.
And sometimes, I do try to explain.
I talk about lead poisoning and PDD-NOS and ADHD and SPD.
I’ll even mention therapy and all that we’ve done to try to help him, including medication.
I’ve been told to explain, that other parents will understand only if I explain. Explain about PDD-NOS(and explain that is on the autism spectrum, since most people don’t have a clue what that alphabet soup means). But I don’t want to have to explain all the time.
Sometimes, instead of explaining, I just have a wish.
A totally unfair wish, I’m sure, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it.
I want you to have a heart and cut him some slack, without me having to explain WHY you should.
I want an understanding smile instead of glaring eyes.
Most of the time, we won’t even see each other again, so why should I have to disclose personal family details to you?
After all, when your child has a meltdown, I don’t expect you to turn to me and explain all the stresses going on his life, like that his daddy is deployed or that he just got over a really bad flu.
You don’t owe me an explanation.
As a fellow mom, the only thing I want to give you is understanding.
To realize that there’s often more than meets the eye.
Whether it’s special needs or something else entirely.
None of us have perfect kids.
So I’ll change my wish to include everyone and not just what *I* want for *my* family: I wish that we could all realize that all of us moms are just doing the best we can and that we would give each other the benefit of the doubt instead of judging.
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I don’t think that’s an unfair wish at all. I think it’s the wish of someone with a kind heart who loves her child sooooo much, but also sees how unfair others can be toward her and her family.
XO
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Every Day I Let Them Go
Thanks, Missy!
I agree with Missy! This is not an unfair wish – and furthermore, why the hell should anyone have to explain anything to anyone about our kids? (sorry, Shell – I’m cursing a lot here tonight – “Badass” in my link up and now “hell”) But really, I always feel the need to explain too about things and I wish I could stop feeling that way – and I wish people would stop judging how your son behaves – because noone has any right to do that – but that do – and then we explain even though we should not have to.
And yes – as you said – there is ALWAYS more than meets the eye.
ilene recently posted..Get it Done, Diva!
I end up cussing a lot, depending on the situation.
For some reason, people think they deserve an explanation for everything.
wow. the picture at the top really fits this post! why do moms have to apologize for a kid that’s “outside” the chainlink fence? your little guy is so lucky to have you at his side!
hilljean recently posted..Three Wagons: Sleep, Exercise, and Diet
I’m not sure why- maybe it’s our “share everything” culture, but people do seem to expect an explanation.
It’s an important reminder.
I try my hardest not to judge, unless you’re sitting idly by while your kid kicks the crap out of my kid. Then I’m mad.
But still, I need to remember….I have NO CLUE what’s going on behind the scenes. No clue.
Cyndy recently posted..Priorities.
Ha- that’s so true. I do often wonder why those moms don’t step in. Though I’ve also seen where a child kicked the crap out of one of mine and then mine retaliated- and the parent wasn’t paying attention UNTIL my child did something back. Ugh.
I love that wish.
christine recently posted..I Wish For Love
Thanks, girl. xo
I think all of us could stand to give one another some grace. It’s so tough to keep things in order for even the majority of time. A few more kind smiles and a little less judgement is a wonderful wish. Sorry you feel like that possibly more often than most. Maybe we all need some “I’m just doing my best, just like you” t-shirts to rally some support.
The Mommy Therapy recently posted..False Alarm, Mothering Skills Still On The Rocks – PYHO
I would wear that shirt.
One of my favorite quotes is the one that talks about how everyone else is fighting a different battle. I think as parents we sometimes forget to remember that. I think it’s easy to overlook our own kids flaws and see them in other kids, because it can make us feel better about what we have going on. Hang in there.
It’s so true- we never really know what else is going on with someone.
we’re all moms, in this together, and like it or not it would be a much more pleasant journey if we would take a moment and remember that. We all need a little patience and understanding, a hug and a word of kindness……please find it in your hearts to do it for someone else, you know you will get it back a thousand times over.
It would be a much easier and less stressful journey, for sure.
My son, “Clark Kent,” is now 17, and raising him I often felt like you described. Clark has Asperger’s and ADHD. He has changed me from one of those other parents, to him mom, and ready to glare at someone else who doesn’t get him. Those days are less and less frequent now, but, oh, how I feel your pain.
Pamela recently posted..Tears of…
It’s nice to hear that there will be a point when those days are fewer and fewer.
In my opinion people shouldn’t ever need an explanation! It’s no ones business and they don’t know what the issue is so they shouldn’t be rude. I know quite a few moms with autistic children and my daughter right now is just going through a lot with us having a new baby and acts out quite often so I could never think badly of another child. No one should..
Jennifer recently posted..Birth Story Part 1
No one should- but it’s sad how often it does happen.
It’s not an unfair wish. It is a beautiful wish and one I hope people (adults especially, because children haven’t learned to be judgey yet) will just be decent human beings. It’s not too much to ask at all.
Alison recently posted..I’m Purposely Vague
Children do tend to be more accepting.
While I wish we lived in a world that you didn’t have to make this wish I think it is spot on.
My absolute favorite line-As a mom, the only thing I want to give you is understanding.
Robbie recently posted..Listicles: Costume Edition
That’s really all we should give each other.
Thanks for telling my story too. And it doesn’t change when they become adults either. Thank goodness the benefits far outweigh their challenges! Nate brings love and service to our home in spite of his Autism. I would smile at your son. You are a good mom.
Sandy
momof12 recently posted..Carving Pumpkins with a Bear
Thanks so much, Sandy.
Amen. Why do we as mothers/women show no compassion. I would never dream of asking anyone for an explanation or give anyone a look of disapproval. Sometimes a look of “I understand” will suffice. All kids have meltdowns, episodes and their own brand of issues as do adults. Why can’t we all just be more understanding to one another. Big hugs!
It would be nice if everyone could be as understanding.
Such important words. It’s so important to understand and not judge. I’ve never been guilty of judging over meltdowns, etc, but I have been guilty of judging someone eating in a restaurant with their toddler at 9 pm at night. I don’t know them, and I shouldn’t do that either.
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I totally get that there are certain things that we all will react with that instant judgement. It’s knowing what to do with it- whether we just realize there might be more going on than we know(like maybe that family in the restaurant is traveling or maybe they were in the hospital visiting a sick relative and that’s why they are there late) and then stop ourselves from projecting the judgement towards them.
I don’t think that it is an unfair wish. I feel like we should always assume that there is something else going on. Everyone has a story. I try to be understanding of everyone else’s with the hope that they can be understanding of mine.
Sometimes people just suck.
LOL Yes, sometimes, they do!
Oh I have that same wish all the time. Don’t judge me as a mom for the choices I make and don’t judge my kid for not being like yours. The competition and pettiness out there is ridiculous!
Diana recently posted..PYHO – Survivor Guilt
We should all be more accepting- and realize that most of the time, it really doesn’t affect us anyway.
I echo what everyone else has said: it is not an unfair request. I believe we have a culture that has slowly moved toward feeling entitled to answers—private details of other people’s lives—rather than to just offering grace. You really made a great analogy about disclosing personal family details, and I hope it resonates with each of us when we are faced with that situation.
Prayers winging your way, Shell.
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Thanks for the prayers, Kim.
I think it might be the way our culture is these days. Before, there were things that were considered personal family matters and no one would think to ask. But in the days of facebook sharing(or OVERsharing), people think they are entitled to know every last detail.
I often wonder if that is how my cousin feels about her baby – she has a rare disorder and has hemangiomas on her face – you feel like explaining but don’t feel like everyone needs to know her struggles. So hard for both of you.
It probably is.
I know some is just natural curiosity and not really people being mean, but at the same time, unless someone has a real reason they should be told the why’s(and so few do), then it really isn’t any of their business.
Understanding shouldn’t come just because you explain. We should be compassionate enough to care about every person no matter what. I have a grandson on the spectrum and it breaks my heart to see and hear some of the things kids say and do, let alone adults who should know better. I guess I don’t understand the mentality. Especially with kids.
Seams Happy recently posted..Hello Again
And really, the adults are usually worse.
Amen! We are all in this together!
So true!
I don’t think that’s an unfair wish at all. I think a better word might be “unrealistic”, but it’s unfair at all.
You and your sweet boy deserve consideration and understanding, rather than glaring eyes. But we all know that those that offer the consideration and understanding are few and far between.
((HUGS))
Kmama recently posted..Anticipation
Unrealistic is a better word.
Very well said! Moms need to remember that other people’s kids are just KIDS…and guess what? Sometimes they act like KIDS. Every mom definitely deserves the benefit of the doubt…
Mary recently posted..The Pottery Barn Catalog Is a Bigger Buzz Kill Than Size Zero Celebrities
That’s so true. Every child is entitled to have a bad day here and there.
Amen, girl! It’s not an unfair wish, either. It’s a totally legit wish!
adrienne recently posted..When I Don’t Feel Like Being the Soft Place…
If only it could come true!
Here’s where I’d hug you, except you’re on a computer and not in front of me. So… virtual hug?
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..All the Cool Skeletons Wear Fedoras (Project Life, Week Eleven)
I’ll take a virtual hug.
You should not have to explain. I just try to remember the source of that glare. The imperfect life that they are trying so hard to hide. Hiding your true self hides other things, too. Like compassion, forgiveness, and love. The walls that get built to keep people from seeing the messes also hide the beuaty in those things.
So just keep being your beautiful self. I stopped explaining a long time ago. I just let people think what they are going to think.
I am always here and so are many others. You are loved. Next time you see that look in a woman’s eyes, just imagine the fear you would see in her eyes if all of us were standing there with you about to knock the crap out of her.
Thanks, girl. And I do think of how you would handle some of the looks and questions- b/c I so admire your grace in those sorts of situations.
I don’t think it’s an unfair wish at all… special needs or not. We all want some understanding sometimes and not the dirty looks or head shaking or sighs. Kids will be kids… they aren’t angels and at times will make us want to rip our hair out and other times make us just hold them.
Susi recently posted..Silken Webs
That’s true- ALL kids have their moments!
Going against the grain here (and NOT that I like it!) but, in a little defense of the eye-brow raisers, as long as we have a world full of Little Hunny Boo Boo’s and shows that highlight tantrums (Toddlers & Tiarras), you can’t tell if it’s a meltdown from a medical/emotional issue or, if it’s just a Toddler & Tiarra moment. With that said, those parents don’t feel the need nor do they explain those meltdowns so, why should you?
I’d like to think that the kids like that are few and far between- and that’s why there are reality shows around them- b/c they are the oddity.
Shell, ever since I found your blog, I have never judged a child or a mother when I see them acting “differently.” I have no idea what they are dealing with, what they are fighting. And as a mother, I would want the same respect and care given to my children. Thank you for being so candid.
Lisa recently posted..Do you?
It makes me so happy to hear this. Thanks, Lisa.
What a well written post! I wish that people could just stop being so judgmental and realize that kids are kids. They are all different and all families are different. You are so right, you, or any parent for that matter shouldn’t explain their child’s behavior. Honestly, it’s not anyone’s business!
I am so sorry for you and your family. It make my heart so sad just trying to imagine what kinds of looks, stares, and comments you must deal with on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing. While it is annoying, heartbreaking and not necessary, the more you explain the more you are spreading awareness and in turn helping your family as well as other families.
Erin recently posted..7 Year Old Phineas and Ferb Birthday
Thank you so much. It really is my hope that posts like this will make others stop and think before they judge. xo
You deserve to have this happen. I hope you get your wish. I hope we all do. (Hugs) mama.
Andrea recently posted..How old are you now?
Thanks, Andrea!
I absolutely LOVE this post. We DO need to be more understanding of each other as Mom’s. Well said.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? If only it would happen!
Love this. It’s so true, we all need to be a little more understanding and supportive of others.
Thanks, Katrina!
I don’t think that’s an unfair wish. I think we should ALL be more tolerant. It’s not easy being a parent. PERIOD. And some days are worse than others, whether your child has Special Needs or not. I TRY not to be judgmental, but I know there are days when I am. But I will say that I’m A LOT less judgmental NOW than I was before I had kids. Because I don’t want people to judge ME on my parenting style. What if you see my daughter when she’s having a diva meltdown? Or my son when he feels like his world is ending because he got a bad grade? I don’t want YOU to judge ME, so why should I have the right to judge YOU?
AWESOME post!
Mich recently posted..Wordless Wednesday . . .
It’s always good to keep in mind that we are only seeing a short snapshot of what is really going on with someone else’s family- and that we shouldn’t judge by it.
That is not an unfair wish, Shell. That is the way it should be. Period. It pierces my heart every time I get one of those glaring looks. And it takes 10 understanding looks to erase the pain of just one glare.
Delilah recently posted..So What?
Those looks used to make me want to cry. These days, they make me angry.
A good reminder to all of us that we are all “in this together.” Support, not judgement, is what all parents deserve.
Janet Singer recently posted..Talking About OCD – Is It Always a Good Thing?
Yes- exactly!
Oh, how I wish this too. Beautiful as always!
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? If only it could happen!
I love this, Shell. I can certainly relate. When my son was younger, I remember thinking “why can’t people just accept him for who he is? Why do I have to explain his behavior? Why should he have to change to fit into society’s norm?” It’s tough enough being a mother of children without special needs, but when you have a special needs child things can be even more difficult. The last thing any of us need are glares from other mothers. Why not be supportive and offer a small smile instead?
Hugs to you my sweet friend!
Kristi {at} Live and Love Out Loud recently posted..People of NASCAR {Wordful Wednesday}
Especially since those who are glaring- they aren’t even affected by what is going on. They don’t have to deal with any of it.
I hear your wish and second, third, fourth it! Thank you for the reminder that little kindnesses toward others do more than we can even imagine. Who knows who our understanding glances, kind words or knowing smiles will help today? They’ll help me. And you. That’s who!! I also wish I could let go of what other people think of me and my children. Baby steps! A lovely, important post.
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..You’re Only Hugging Me So You Can Wipe Your Nose On My Shirt
It really doesn’t take much to offer someone that smile- and can really mean a lot!
Excellent post! So much truth here – explaining is tiresome and still many won’t get it. My second daughter had “issues” – of which I didn’t really learn about until she told me at age 14, which explained why she was acting the way she was. You bet I didn’t want to explain her behavior. I was just a mom doing my best under stressful circumstances, dealing with anger and a few other things… Compassion is so lacking and people are too quick to judge. We need the eyes and mind of Christ. Preach it girl! Loved this
Kathleen recently posted..Running the Race to Nowhere: Healing and Deliverance – part 5
And there really and truly is no reason we should have to explain to most people.
I don’t have a child with special needs but I do have a mental illness. Having a mental illness in the blogging world has opening my mind and heart to so many obstacles we all face day in and day out, including children with special needs. Now…when I hear a tantrum being thrown at the grocery store (or something similar) I do that whole head nod/smile toward the mother because you never know. It shows compassion and maybe she’ll be able to relax a little knowing there’s at least someone there who sort of gets it. I feel for you. I’d be the understanding mom at your event. Please know that, at least.
Pamela Gold recently posted..Sisters by Choice
You’re right- you really do never know what is going on. Thank you, Pamela!
I don’t think it’s unfair to want that. You shouldn’t have to explain away his behavior; people should be kinder, should give you (and him!) the benefit of the doubt. I would hug you if I could right now.
angela recently posted..Springboard
Any of our kids, really- b/c they are all entitled to have their off moments!
More support and understanding – and less judgement – would be great, wouldn’t it? I hope that can happen one day.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Me, too, girl!
Your wish seems more than reasonable to me. Us moms need to support each other.
Tracie recently posted..The Third Party Presidential Debate and Political Choice
If only it could be that simple!
There should be an innoculation for tolerance and compassion.
What people fear and don’t understand so often brings out the ugly. I’m sorry it has to be that way!
Jenny Matlock recently posted..Hooray! You longer need to go to this guy…
Oh how I wish! A mandatory innoculation!
Great post. My son has issues and I know some people don’t “get” it. I mean, he’s 10 and can’t tie his shoes because his fine motor skills are awful. People don’t understand. :/ I try to never judge another kid. I say try, because some neighborhood kids here are downright awful.
Amber recently posted..Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday!
I get the trying part. B/c I think there are certain things that we’ll all judge, even those of us who have learned to have a lot of tolerance and understanding.
Great post! I finished a post I will publish in the next day or two about judging without being informed etc
You are right. You should NOT have to explain things. We all judge at one time or another in some kind of way.
I’ve been judged all my life because of the way I walk and talk. But I have learned in my 50 years, it is tiring to keep explaining. Unless you are asked, you owe no one an explanation. They will think what they think regardless.
You are an awesome mom! Keep up the good work!
Big Hugs to you!!!
Lisa recently posted..Walmart: Complaint Letter
And sometimes, even if you are asked, you have the right not to answer.
I never thought of it this way, but so very true-
Thank you, Andrea!
There was a girl in my child’s GS troop last year – I wondered why she was so sensitive and eager and unable to sit still all at once. I liked her a lot, but wow was she a lot to take. Then one night I chatted for a few hours at an event with her mom. Not her biological mom, but her biological dad’s wife who adopted this girl because her biological mom was too f-d up to realize what she was throwing away after years of dragging her from one boyfriend’s house to another. It was crazy and this poor girl – I hugged her any chance I have had after that and get frustrated when I hear people talk about her – or any other kid’s behavior.
mommylisa recently posted..What Makes You Smile? – @psfromaero
I know that sometimes knowing the story can help with compassion- yet it doesn’t always happen and I hate giving fuel to the gossips.
Just this weekend I was commenting to my sister about an older boy giving his mom HELL in public. Throwing a crying fit over nothing (in my mind). I would never allow my child to talk to me like that or act like that. Yep, that was me. For all I know he could have had some social issues/concerns. Not less than an hour later he was helping my daughter back up the hill. Talk about guilt. Yes, I kicked myself. Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes we should have an idea when we really dont.
Leah aka FFPMaMMa recently posted..It’s official, I’m a fake
I know that sometimes there is that gut reaction, but it’s what we choose to do with it.
Once again, beautifully said. It’s important to remember we all want the same things; for our children to be loved and accepted.
Yes, that’s it!
*standing ovation* And I would extend this to all people reserving judgment, not just other Moms. We’re all human. Big hugs.
jenn @ So this is love recently posted..Quick Hello
Yes, for sure- everyone!
What a wonderful post. I connected with the why portion, that’d you’d like to have him accepted/understood without having to say why.
And for all of us, yes, to stop judging and just support.
Carolyn recently posted..What’s In Your Purse?
I’ve found that explaining the why usually doesn’t help all that much anyway.
I wish I could hug you right now. I wish I could give you the empathy that you feel you don’t get from some people who judge, some people who don’t understand. Anyway, it’s there, Shell. Whenever you get that glare next time, just remember that there are thousands of people in YOUR corner who understand and feel for you.
You are not alone.
Kiran
Kiran@Masalachica.com recently posted..Normal
Thanks, Kiran! xo
I know you know that I get this so fully. I promise that I will be the mom that looks at you and smiles. I will look at your gorgeous son and smile and accept and not ask why. I will remember that we all have “stuff” and that you are doing the best you can. You would get your wish with me.
AnnMarie recently posted..When it Sucks to be a Woman
I know you get this. xo
HI Shell, Bossy here. I not exactly what that alphabet soup means and I am sorry. I know it means we are sorry but there is something “wrong” and we don’t know what it is. I am sorry that nothing seems to help. Four years ago my “Taco” was in a helmet full time because of his seizure disorder and for some reason it triggered the need for every person in the grocery store to stare and those brave enough had to come up and touch it. It is a good thing I got used to the funny looks then, because I definitely got them last night when I took “Dog Walker” (my 18yo autistic brother) to my neighborhood Halloween party so I had some extra adult help with my kids and little siblings. I forgot what it was like to have my friends and neighbors stare and make comments. Instead of watching the kids my hubby and I spent most of the time answering questions about him. However, it seems he didn’t notice and even met a nice girl. I am comforted to know that when others start most of the time our special kiddos don’t notice. Hugs and well wishes.
Bossy recently posted..This is Why – With a Little Help from Bossy
I guess some of it is curiosity. I just wish people would realize that they aren’t entitled to have their questions answered all the time.
Not an unfair wish at all. May we all benefit from that compassion. Hugs to you, Shell.
KeAnne recently posted..Week in My Life 2012: Tuesday
Thanks KeAnne!
this is the sweetest and most honest post..and it makes so much sense! i work with special needs children through teach for america, and it has brought me such a different perspective for this subject. it reminds me to live by the quote, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” XO c&e
chaseandem.blogspot.com
Love that quote!
I’ve always been pretty empathetic/understanding to moms but not until having my own son did I REALLY understand the tantrums/fits. Then taking it a step further, not until ‘meeting’ parents with children with different diagnosis’ like you and other bloggers was I able to start to even detect ‘signs’ of different disorders and I’m able to be even more empathetic. I have a favorite mom at the park (because her middle daughter and Nate are bffs) who has an autistic daughter that climbs all over the playground and makes rhythmic noises and the looks she gets…they have enraged me to the point of going up to those moms and explaining what’s going on and telling them that they shouldn’t be judging anyone because they don’t know what’s going on.
Stephanie @ Babe’s Rockin’ Mami recently posted..24 Weeks aka Viability!
You are a great friend! xo
not an unfair wish at all Shell. I hate when people judge and they have no idea whats going on.. I know when I see a child having a meltdown I feel for the mom I know how hard it is so I definitely wouldnt want to add to the stress by being rude about it!
brittney recently posted..I wanna go home!
And really- ALL kids have their moments, don’t they?
Such a simple yet emotional request. I just love this post. If only we could all agree to be tolerable and not judge before knowing. Without knowing!
Mindi recently posted..Graco Snugride Click Connect 40 Video Review
It sounds so simple- and yet we are so very far away from achieving it.
Not an unfair request at all!
Last week, my son asked if we could go to the mall to play at the indoor playground. We went. We walked through the pouring rain to get there. It was a nightmare. We walk into the playground & he has a total meltdown…TOTAL MELTDOWN. It was embarrassing. And yes people stared. People were rude. It’s irritating when people don’t cut 3 year olds slack for acting, you know, THREE!
Great post!
Kate recently posted..How Pinteresting
So so beautifully said– and yes, we should not have to explain it or make an excuse. We all just need to be more kind and less judgmental in life.
Emmy recently posted..Ten Things to Smile About: October
Hi Shell,
Just found your blog (thanks for your comment on mine earlier as that’s how I found you!) and LOVE this post. It’s so hard that we have to explain our sons, over and over and over again. We shouldn’t have to!! Thanks for writing this.
Kristi from Finding Ninee recently posted..Link Love
Hi,
I hope you will excuse me for this message but I have started a new bookmarking site for parents of children with disabilities. You can submit any links that are newsworthy to other parents. The site will also automatically bookmark new reports and articles and new posts from other bloggers.
If you want your site added to the auto bookmarking, please email me. I just need your RSS feed. For wordpress sites it is [your domain name name]/feed.
There is also a twitter account that will auto tweet all the posts and news that is bookmarked. Follow @forspecialneeds. if you are interested.
Best wishes
Duncan
(Dad to a child with Dravet Syndrome)