Things They Can’t Say: The Sarcasm Goddess

You can find today’s guest blogger on For the Love of Writing@sarcasmgoddess , facebook, and pinterest.  Bacon Addict. Awesome Sausage. Lives to write and hopes to one day make a living writing. Thinks the UPS man is trying to kill me. Wife to the husband. Mom to furry four-legged children Sweet Riley and Evil Cody. Prone to panic attacks and falling up stairs. You and tequila make me crazy.

 

I Think I Got the Wrong Script

 

Sometimes I feel like life is a movie and I’m just a character who has a role to play. It sounds like a really awesome idea, but the problem is my role keeps changing which makes things super confusing. And also? Dangerous.

 

I tend to step in and provide whichever emotion or action is not currently being contributed by the other parties present. For example, if my friends and I are being mauled by bears and they’re having a panic attack, I’m all, “Honestly, guys? It’s a bear. Relax.”

 

The converse is also true. If I’m in a situation where everyone is being unnaturally calm, I feel it is my honor-bound duty to spaz out.

 

Everyone: Oh, shuckydarn, we’re out of bacon

 

Me: AHHHH! WE’RE OUT OF BACON! THE WORLD IS ENDING; I AM GOING TO DIEEEEEEE!

 

Okay, so that’s not a good example. Everyone freaks out when there’s no more bacon.

 

But you get the idea.

 

The other day I was waiting at a red light when the guardrails came down signaling a train was approaching. Thirty seconds later, they went back up and a train hadn’t gone by.

 

As per usual, I began talking to myself. “Well that’s just terrifying. Is it a malfunction that they went down in the first place, or that they went back up? Is a train barreling down the tracks as I sit here talking to myself and is going to BAM! kill me as soon as I cross? This is really disconcerting. I should write my Congressman or someone. Something must be done about this!”

 

As I was mentally composing my plan for Traintrack Crossing Justice, I realized I probably didn’t have a very strong case considering that time I was all, “meh, guardrails” and decided to jump the tracks.

 

True story.

 

I was sitting at a red light and no cars were moving. None. Not in any of the lanes going in any direction. They were all just sitting at the light. Waiting. For something to happen.

 

Bizarre, right?

 

I mean, seriously. When was the last time all the lights at a four way intersection were red at the same time?

 

Never. That’s when. So why was everyone just sitting around?

 

Naturally I thought, they must be waiting for someone to do something. And that someone must be me!

 

The feeling is similar to standing in the midst of a solemn, civilized group of intellectuals and yelling, “Vagina!” just because no one else has.

 

I’ve digressed.

 

I started to make my left turn and could practically hear the other cars cheering for me.

 

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There is no prouder moment in life than knowing you are fulfilling the role scripted just for you. Until you realize you are a colossal dumbass and are about to dodge a train.

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That’s right, folks. The guardrails were down, the lights were flashing and a train was on its way.

After pausing to crap my pants, I sped away as quickly as possible, because honestly, how embarrassing. 

From here on out, I hope the only roles I have to play in life are the ones involving ALL THE BACON!

A million thanks to Shell for having me. And big, wet, sloppy puppy kisses for being so patient when my internet decided to crap out on me. I truly feel honored to be featured on her blog. It was totally worth the seven kinds of anxiety I experienced as I tried to think of something to write about.

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Comments

  1. So happy to see you here and know that you survived the bacon crisis and the train fight. Oh wait, the bacon part was made up, right?! Please tell me that was made up or WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIEEE!!!!
    As always you make me laugh. Love your writing!
    Kristen recently posted..Growing Together – A Guest Post At Raising HumansMy Profile

  2. Love the Perception/Reality pictures. Glad you survived the train incident.
    Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) recently posted..So Easy to LoveMy Profile

  3. Yay! Thank you so much for having me!
    Sarcasm Goddess recently posted..I Really Shouldn’t Say ThisMy Profile

  4. Now those are some awesome drawings! Why didn’t I think of that!

    We live in a town with a TON of train tracks and it seems that the guard rails are always in some confused state of up or down… and instead of it being a train coming down the tracks it’s a truck with the special wheels for the tracks!
    Jackie recently posted..The post with no point or me whining about BlogHerMy Profile

  5. OMV! (Oh, my vagina!) Yah. I made that up just now. I have TOTALLY done things like that. That’s why people are attracted to us and want to hug us until they’ve squeezed the life out of us. Right? Or is that just me? Anyway, LOVE your blog and the Sarcasm Goddess too!
    Lucy Ball recently posted..Barbie and Ken Gettin’ IT On EbayMy Profile

  6. So what happened with the first train guardrail debacle? Did you sit waiting forever out of fear? Or did the train come?
    Nelly recently posted..She’s 4, Don’t Trust HerMy Profile

  7. This was hysterical! Mostly because I have thought that EXACT same thing about the rails that go down and then back up. It is terrifying! By the way, when my husband and I are arguing about the 400th hobby that he does, I often yell, “This is your movie and I am just a supporting character along for the ride!” Totally see my life as a movie. Great writing.
    AnnMarie recently posted..One of My Scariest MomentsMy Profile

  8. SG? Really? Nice job, Shell! And super funny story, SG. Really glad you didn’t die.
    Just Jennifer recently posted..The State of Public Schools in AmericaMy Profile

  9. That has to be the funniest, slightly concerning thing I’ve read in quite a while. I will definitely have to start reading more from you. 

  10. Sheesh girl! I almost crapped my own pants reading this! I loved the conversation you had with yourself. Kinda sounds like me. This was hilarious!
    hilljean recently posted..Mommy-Daughter DatingMy Profile

  11. I’m with you! I would have been terrified! The trains scare me anyway. We just got back from DC and we rode metros all over the city for a couple of days. I was worried the entire time that someone was going to get lost or hurt.
    Sandy
    momof12 recently posted..Senator Orrin HatchMy Profile

  12. What’s the point of living if you can’t dodge a train every so often?
    Classic NYer recently posted..On an orange dressMy Profile

  13. That is pretty much what I would have done. (Pretty much=exactly) Especially the embarrassed speeding off part. And the thinking I’m being so cool and bold part and doing what everyone else wishes they could do.
    Greta recently posted..Great Expectations: BocaFrauMy Profile

  14. LOL. You always make me laugh so hard. Great story.