Things They Can’t Say: So This Is Love

“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”

–Anne Lamott


I try to live my life without a lot of regrets, but I’m human, and I have them.


My biggest regret happened on October 18, 2010.


I had a fight with Casey, my husband, that morning. Trying to make a baby is fun for some, and incredibly stressful and heartbreaking for others. Unfortunately, we fall into the stressful and heartbreaking category still to this day. Some of that stress is bound to run over into your marriage, and that morning it did.


The fight resulted in me throwing away a (very expensive) fertility monitor into the trash and storming out the door (most likely the last words I said to him were something along the lines of “I’M FINE” in the I’m-so-not-fine tone of voice – you know the one).


12 hours later I was dialing 911 and following an ambulance to the hospital after Casey collapsed while exercising.


As I frantically drove behind the ambulance, watching the bright red sirens and seeing them insert breathing tubes, I was ridden with guilt. Guilt that my last interactions with my husband were angry. That the last words he might remember were shouted at him.


We learned later that Casey had a stroke that night. That, thankfully, he was part of the lucky (and small) percentage of people that fully recover after a stroke (even though his speech still slurs when he’s tired, and his left leg limps).


But in those moments after dialing 911, neither of us knew what was going to happen. And although Casey always knows that I love him, I hate that on that day we were angry at one another. That I gave him the silent treatment all day long. That I waited over two full minutes to go down and check on him after he collapsed because I was angry and thought he was just being dramatic.


I have never spoken or written these words. Because I am ashamed of my behavior that day.


And although it’s unrealistic to say that Casey and I will never fight again, I can say that I will never leave him in anger again. And sometimes that means forcing myself to talk things through with him, even when I want to just shout “I’M FINE” and leave. I don’t.


Because they (whoever they are) are not kidding when they say that everything can change in an single instant.

So This is Love is a blog about life, written by Jenn & Casey, a husband and wife blogging team! We talk about our careers (social work and engineering), our love, our fur-children, and also our struggles with infertility and miscarriage. We love to meet new people, and you can find us on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram (LibraJenn)! 


  1. says

    Every time my husband and I leave each other in anger, I instantly think about this. My worst fear is that something terrible will happen to him and I’ll never see him again. I don’ t know if I’d ever forgive myself if, God forbid, something happened to him and he died after an argument that we didn’t resolve.

    Thank you for sharing. It’s important to remember.
    Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) recently posted..My Dancing FrogMy Profile

  2. says

    As I read, I kept thinking, “Please let him be okay” and I am so glad he is! What a great reminder that life can change in an instant so don’t leave anything unsaid. It’s funny because when my husband and I fight, I always say, “Kiss me before you leave in case something happens.” I know the stress and pain that infertility causes and I’m sorry that you are dealing with it.
    AnnMarie recently posted..What Not to Say to a Mom of a Child That Battles SomethingMy Profile

  3. says

    Such a harsh reality to have lived through. It’s so hard to not give in to our emotions sometimes. Thank you for the reminder of the impact of our words!! I’m happy your hubs was in the small percentage of those who recover 100%!!!
    Mimi recently posted..My Green ThumbMy Profile

  4. says

    That’s one of my fears when my hubby and I fight on occasion.  I do my best not to stay mad but sometimes you just can’t help it.  I’m happy that things turned out for the best.  I can’t wait to visit your blog :)
    Julie recently posted..Thoroughly Modern MillieMy Profile

  5. says

    Wow, thanks for sharing, it must have been difficult to write this.
    It’s also a great reminder for me to talk things through and not let go to bed mad, let someone leave mad, etc. because it only takes a second for things to happen (change).
    Best of luck to you.
    Carolyn recently posted..10 Years AgoMy Profile

  6. says

    Oh wow…that is SO scary. I often give the silent treatment as well.
    Beautiful, honest words…and am so glad he was one of the lucky ones.
    Runnermom-jen recently posted..Be HappyMy Profile

  7. says

    oh my heart, so glad that he is healthy. so so glad.
    i’ve lost a loved one much too soon. and we have to live without regret, because things can and do change so quickly. unconditional love – it’s key :)
    MommaKiss recently posted..Like…Magic.My Profile

  8. says

    What a story that makes you really see, and connect.   We’ve all been in your shoes, and have done similar things, but your story hits home. I”m glad Casey is ok. I know how you feel because I have done some things or said some things that have made me feel embarrassed about my behavior, too.  Nice to meet you.
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  9. says

    I think what happened to you is all of our worst fears. And yet we don’t change our behavior. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s a great reminder. And I’m really happy that your story has a happy ending and that your husband is fine.
    Twingle Mommy recently posted..Potty Training ConfessionsMy Profile

  10. says

    This made my eyes sting in the sad/totally not sad way.  I am so happy you finally shared this story.  I don’t think you should be ashamed of yourself for it.  These things happen.  You learned from it and are a better communicator because of it.  And (maybe) best of all, you can be a lesson to all of us to make sure we don’t find ourselves in a similar situation- or worse.  I think this was a gutsy thing to write and I loved it.
    Jen Has A Pen recently posted..My Clomid Has Been Laced With BarbituratesMy Profile

  11. says

    I cannot imagine how difficult it was to share this. I had chills reading because something like that happening is one of my greatest fears. I am so very glad Casey is ok. Thank your for your brave honesty.
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  12. says

    That must have been so hard for you! My daughter’s best friend lost her mom to a heart attack last fall. She was only 54 years old and her daughter is 20. She is on her own now, but she can take comfort in the fact that the last words they spoke were words of love, because by the time she got to the hospital, her mom was in a coma and then she slipped away. We just never know.
    momof12 recently posted..The Harmon Killebrew AwardMy Profile

  13. says

    This is a valuable lesson for all of us. I know I thought of this post the last time I was angry with Hubby (today). It’s amazing how everything can change in a matter of minutes, and the small stuff is really small stuff. Thank you for reminding us that.
    Angela recently posted..Lesson Learned from KindergartenMy Profile

  14. says

    I can feel my heart opening toward my husband after reading your words. Thank you for the reminder to share my love, affection and kindness in at least equal measure to my anger and frustration. While i can’t do love perfectly, I wouldn’t have shifts toward love without people like you sharing your journey. Thank you. Well done!
    Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..How To Ruin A Summer In Six Easy Steps …My Profile

  15. says

    I’m so glad he recovered! My parents drilled the I Love You into me when leaving. Always. Even when angry we left with those words, and I still do it now with my husband and kids. And I mean it, even when I want to slam the door as I say them.
    angela recently posted..First DayMy Profile

  16. says

    Anger is so powerful and sometimes completely takes over. It happens to us all. So glad that he recovered and you two have the time to learn from that experience. Thank you for sharing with us! (And hope the move went/is going well!)
    Tricia recently posted..Drying off in a downpourMy Profile

  17. says

    Wow, you should be commended for such honesty.  We all fight with our husbands and make stupid choices when angry.  His stroke was not  your fault.  It just happened.  I hope you shared this blog with him.  I am sure he has already forgiven you a hundred times over while you sat by his bedside helping and praying and encouraging and loving him.  My hope for you is that you have come to a place to forgive yourself as well.  We all fall short.  We all do what we know to do and when we know better we do better (Maya Angelou paraphrased).  Blessings to you and your husband!

  18. says

    Thank you for reminding us that we are living a life that’s full of uncertainties. You will never know what will happen on the next minutes. We should cherish every moment and make the best out of it before it’s too late. Keep on loving the people around you. Life is too short to waste on being angry.