“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”
My biggest regret happened on October 18, 2010.
I had a fight with Casey, my husband, that morning. Trying to make a baby is fun for some, and incredibly stressful and heartbreaking for others. Unfortunately, we fall into the stressful and heartbreaking category still to this day. Some of that stress is bound to run over into your marriage, and that morning it did.
The fight resulted in me throwing away a (very expensive) fertility monitor into the trash and storming out the door (most likely the last words I said to him were something along the lines of “I’M FINE” in the I’m-so-not-fine tone of voice – you know the one).
12 hours later I was dialing 911 and following an ambulance to the hospital after Casey collapsed while exercising.
As I frantically drove behind the ambulance, watching the bright red sirens and seeing them insert breathing tubes, I was ridden with guilt. Guilt that my last interactions with my husband were angry. That the last words he might remember were shouted at him.
We learned later that Casey had a stroke that night. That, thankfully, he was part of the lucky (and small) percentage of people that fully recover after a stroke (even though his speech still slurs when he’s tired, and his left leg limps).
But in those moments after dialing 911, neither of us knew what was going to happen. And although Casey always knows that I love him, I hate that on that day we were angry at one another. That I gave him the silent treatment all day long. That I waited over two full minutes to go down and check on him after he collapsed because I was angry and thought he was just being dramatic.
I have never spoken or written these words. Because I am ashamed of my behavior that day.
And although it’s unrealistic to say that Casey and I will never fight again, I can say that I will never leave him in anger again. And sometimes that means forcing myself to talk things through with him, even when I want to just shout “I’M FINE” and leave. I don’t.
Because they (whoever they are) are not kidding when they say that everything can change in an single instant.
So This is Love is a blog about life, written by Jenn & Casey, a husband and wife blogging team! We talk about our careers (social work and engineering), our love, our fur-children, and also our struggles with infertility and miscarriage. We love to meet new people, and you can find us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram (LibraJenn)!