Things They Can’t Say: So This Is Love

“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”

–Anne Lamott

 

I try to live my life without a lot of regrets, but I’m human, and I have them.

 

My biggest regret happened on October 18, 2010.

 

I had a fight with Casey, my husband, that morning. Trying to make a baby is fun for some, and incredibly stressful and heartbreaking for others. Unfortunately, we fall into the stressful and heartbreaking category still to this day. Some of that stress is bound to run over into your marriage, and that morning it did.

 

The fight resulted in me throwing away a (very expensive) fertility monitor into the trash and storming out the door (most likely the last words I said to him were something along the lines of “I’M FINE” in the I’m-so-not-fine tone of voice – you know the one).

 

12 hours later I was dialing 911 and following an ambulance to the hospital after Casey collapsed while exercising.

 

As I frantically drove behind the ambulance, watching the bright red sirens and seeing them insert breathing tubes, I was ridden with guilt. Guilt that my last interactions with my husband were angry. That the last words he might remember were shouted at him.

 

We learned later that Casey had a stroke that night. That, thankfully, he was part of the lucky (and small) percentage of people that fully recover after a stroke (even though his speech still slurs when he’s tired, and his left leg limps).

 

But in those moments after dialing 911, neither of us knew what was going to happen. And although Casey always knows that I love him, I hate that on that day we were angry at one another. That I gave him the silent treatment all day long. That I waited over two full minutes to go down and check on him after he collapsed because I was angry and thought he was just being dramatic.

 

I have never spoken or written these words. Because I am ashamed of my behavior that day.

 

And although it’s unrealistic to say that Casey and I will never fight again, I can say that I will never leave him in anger again. And sometimes that means forcing myself to talk things through with him, even when I want to just shout “I’M FINE” and leave. I don’t.

 

Because they (whoever they are) are not kidding when they say that everything can change in an single instant.

So This is Love is a blog about life, written by Jenn & Casey, a husband and wife blogging team! We talk about our careers (social work and engineering), our love, our fur-children, and also our struggles with infertility and miscarriage. We love to meet new people, and you can find us on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram (LibraJenn)! 

Comments

  1. Beautiful Honesty. Thank you for some perspective.
    Cindy Bryl recently posted..A special little ladyMy Profile

  2. What a wonderful reminder! Thank you Shell for sharing this amazing writer with me today!
    JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Friendship: Stickfiggy and Lott Share #readforgoodMy Profile

  3. Every time my husband and I leave each other in anger, I instantly think about this. My worst fear is that something terrible will happen to him and I’ll never see him again. I don’ t know if I’d ever forgive myself if, God forbid, something happened to him and he died after an argument that we didn’t resolve.

    Thank you for sharing. It’s important to remember.
    Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) recently posted..My Dancing FrogMy Profile

  4. great lesson! so glad the he is ok:)
    bonnie ferrell recently posted..Just Sayin Friday ~ Grammar and PunctuationMy Profile

  5. Wow. That is a really powerful message. Thank you for sharing.
    Mel recently posted..Enjoy the RideMy Profile

  6. As I read, I kept thinking, “Please let him be okay” and I am so glad he is! What a great reminder that life can change in an instant so don’t leave anything unsaid. It’s funny because when my husband and I fight, I always say, “Kiss me before you leave in case something happens.” I know the stress and pain that infertility causes and I’m sorry that you are dealing with it.
    AnnMarie recently posted..What Not to Say to a Mom of a Child That Battles SomethingMy Profile

  7. Such a harsh reality to have lived through. It’s so hard to not give in to our emotions sometimes. Thank you for the reminder of the impact of our words!! I’m happy your hubs was in the small percentage of those who recover 100%!!!
    Mimi recently posted..My Green ThumbMy Profile

  8. {Melinda} I am SO happy you’ve had the chance to tell him you love him every day since then. You are so right. Life can change on a dime. I appreciate the reminder to never leave a loved one angry. Thank you!
    Mothering From Scratch recently posted..Saturday Morning Fantasies: Capes OptionalMy Profile

  9. Thank YOU for reading :-) I’m so happy that we have this chance back. I am very grateful.
    jenn @ so this is love recently posted..Some things are hard to say.My Profile

  10. I cannot imagine, and don’t want to. I am so glad he was okay in the end.. Huge lesson to learn and hopefully employ for everyone.
    Angel recently posted..Frack em Friday… with the lovely DazeeMy Profile

  11. I am so glad that he was okay after all. This is a great reminder and a huge lesson to us all. Thank you for sharing your honesty here!
    Kimberly recently posted..I’m Choosing HappinessMy Profile

  12. That’s one of my fears when my hubby and I fight on occasion.  I do my best not to stay mad but sometimes you just can’t help it.  I’m happy that things turned out for the best.  I can’t wait to visit your blog :)
    Julie recently posted..Thoroughly Modern MillieMy Profile

  13. I really don’t know what to comment other than to say that I wish I could give you a really big hug.
    Jennifer recently posted..Sum It Up {Random Thoughts}My Profile

  14. Thanks for your honesty. This hits home for me, because I am the queen of ‘the silent treament’. I am happy to hear that your hubby made a full recovery.
    Angela recently posted..Amazon: Free Kindle BookMy Profile

  15. Wow, thanks for sharing, it must have been difficult to write this.
    It’s also a great reminder for me to talk things through and not let go to bed mad, let someone leave mad, etc. because it only takes a second for things to happen (change).
    Best of luck to you.
    Carolyn recently posted..10 Years AgoMy Profile

  16. Oh wow…that is SO scary. I often give the silent treatment as well.
    Beautiful, honest words…and am so glad he was one of the lucky ones.
    Runnermom-jen recently posted..Be HappyMy Profile

  17. Oh that gave me chills reading that.  Thank you for your honesty. And yes- I guess you really never do know do you?  Thank you.  
    Emmy recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Toddler HumorMy Profile

  18. oh my heart, so glad that he is healthy. so so glad.
    i’ve lost a loved one much too soon. and we have to live without regret, because things can and do change so quickly. unconditional love – it’s key :)
    MommaKiss recently posted..Like…Magic.My Profile

  19. What a story that makes you really see, and connect.   We’ve all been in your shoes, and have done similar things, but your story hits home. I”m glad Casey is ok. I know how you feel because I have done some things or said some things that have made me feel embarrassed about my behavior, too.  Nice to meet you.
    Leigh 
    Leigh Powell Hines @Hinessightblog recently posted..Top Five Reasons to Visit N.C.’s High Country in the SummerMy Profile

  20. I think what happened to you is all of our worst fears. And yet we don’t change our behavior. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s a great reminder. And I’m really happy that your story has a happy ending and that your husband is fine.
    Twingle Mommy recently posted..Potty Training ConfessionsMy Profile

  21. that gave me chills to read…wow….such a good reminder to never go to bed to leave angry though I am so guilty of both of those whenever we bicker…
    Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Better Sexytime?My Profile

  22. This made my eyes sting in the sad/totally not sad way.  I am so happy you finally shared this story.  I don’t think you should be ashamed of yourself for it.  These things happen.  You learned from it and are a better communicator because of it.  And (maybe) best of all, you can be a lesson to all of us to make sure we don’t find ourselves in a similar situation- or worse.  I think this was a gutsy thing to write and I loved it.
    Jen Has A Pen recently posted..My Clomid Has Been Laced With BarbituratesMy Profile

  23. I cannot imagine how difficult it was to share this. I had chills reading because something like that happening is one of my greatest fears. I am so very glad Casey is ok. Thank your for your brave honesty.
    Robbie recently posted..Friday FragmentsMy Profile

  24. That must have been so hard for you! My daughter’s best friend lost her mom to a heart attack last fall. She was only 54 years old and her daughter is 20. She is on her own now, but she can take comfort in the fact that the last words they spoke were words of love, because by the time she got to the hospital, her mom was in a coma and then she slipped away. We just never know.
    Sandy
    momof12 recently posted..The Harmon Killebrew AwardMy Profile

  25. This is a valuable lesson for all of us. I know I thought of this post the last time I was angry with Hubby (today). It’s amazing how everything can change in a matter of minutes, and the small stuff is really small stuff. Thank you for reminding us that.
    Angela recently posted..Lesson Learned from KindergartenMy Profile

  26. I can feel my heart opening toward my husband after reading your words. Thank you for the reminder to share my love, affection and kindness in at least equal measure to my anger and frustration. While i can’t do love perfectly, I wouldn’t have shifts toward love without people like you sharing your journey. Thank you. Well done!
    Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..How To Ruin A Summer In Six Easy Steps …My Profile

  27. This could happen to anyone, when you’re in the moment and angry. So glad that he recovered well from the stroke – how terrifying!
    Lisa @ Two Bears Farm recently posted..Secret Kitchen TimesaversMy Profile

  28. I’m so glad he recovered! My parents drilled the I Love You into me when leaving. Always. Even when angry we left with those words, and I still do it now with my husband and kids. And I mean it, even when I want to slam the door as I say them.
    angela recently posted..First DayMy Profile

  29. Anger is so powerful and sometimes completely takes over. It happens to us all. So glad that he recovered and you two have the time to learn from that experience. Thank you for sharing with us! (And hope the move went/is going well!)
    Tricia recently posted..Drying off in a downpourMy Profile

  30. That’s pretty scary. I’m glad he’s okay (You had me worried for a minute!) and I really should try to remember this more often with anyone – I have no husband yet :p
    Ness recently posted..DIY Fun on Pinterest {Link up}My Profile

  31. Thank you for sharing this story, Jenn. I can imagine that was a truly scary experience. I’m sure you’re not the only one who has gone through that kind of regret. Luckily, everyone is okay now and you get the chance to truly appreciate each other.
    another jennifer recently posted..Prepping for BlogHer ’12: anotherjennifer.com stickers!My Profile

  32. Wow, you should be commended for such honesty.  We all fight with our husbands and make stupid choices when angry.  His stroke was not  your fault.  It just happened.  I hope you shared this blog with him.  I am sure he has already forgiven you a hundred times over while you sat by his bedside helping and praying and encouraging and loving him.  My hope for you is that you have come to a place to forgive yourself as well.  We all fall short.  We all do what we know to do and when we know better we do better (Maya Angelou paraphrased).  Blessings to you and your husband!

  33. This is such a brave, honest post and a humbling reminder to love big, always.

    (I’m so glad that your guy is okay!)
    Galit Breen recently posted..Magnum OpusMy Profile

  34. Thank you for reminding us that we are living a life that’s full of uncertainties. You will never know what will happen on the next minutes. We should cherish every moment and make the best out of it before it’s too late. Keep on loving the people around you. Life is too short to waste on being angry. 

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