I had a proud mama moment last week. My oldest had placed first in his grade in his school’s Fun Run, which meant that during the half hour each grade had to run, he completed the most laps. He was proud that he had not only done more laps than everyone in first grade but also in the second and third. We used it as a lesson to talk about how important endurance is, after he questioned how he could have beat out other kids who are usually faster than he is when they race on the playground. His grin of pride melted my heart.
But, it also made me think back to what I heard all the time when I was growing up.
Oh, you are your father’s daughter, you must be a runner.
In the small town where I grew up, my father was known as the runner. After several illnesses that should have killed him and close to twenty different surgeries, he wanted to devote his life to physical fitness, healthy eating, and helping those who were dealing with the same illness he had. He was a widely-liked teacher and ran everywhere, always training. He ran marathons including the Boston Marathon several times, every local road race, was selected to carry the Olympic torch when it came through our area during one of the Olympics, and coached track.
One year, he ran across the country over the course of a month, raising money for cancer research. I was only 4 at the time and I remember that trip.
Doesn’t he sound like such an amazing man?
He loved the press- loved them telling his story and presenting himself as one who wanted to “do something socially significant.” He would say that he didn’t mind the pain and suffering of such a long distance run if only it would ease the suffering of a cancer patient.
He knew how to turn a phrase.
As I was growing up, when people in our town would hear my last name, they would make comments about how I must be a runner, too.
And for a while, I was. Because running in races with your 7 year old daughter with her ponytails swishing from side to side made for a good story for the papers. And going on runs with her around town would show everyone what a caring father he was. That he was someone to be trusted.
What people didn’t know…
…what they didn’t see behind that great running teacher, was that after so many surgeries, he had become addicted to pain pills. An addiction that would make him steal prescription pads from doctors and fill those prescriptions at various pharmacies all over the area so that no one would catch on, especially not when the name on the prescription would be for one of his parents. An addiction that led him to steal pills from the homes of people who knew him as that nice runner and would let him stop in to use their bathrooms when he was out on one of his runs… especially if he had one of his kids with him and it was them who had to use the bathroom.
Sometimes, he’d get caught. But he’d tell a sob story about just how hard everything was, how badly he hurt and he’d apologize profusely. And he would be forgiven for it. Countless people let it go because he was such a nice man.
Until he got caught by someone who wasn’t so forgiving and he ended up in jail. He lost his job, he lost the respect that he had in the community, and our family fell apart.
I went from being the runner’s daughter to being the drug addict’s daughter.
And I didn’t want anything to do with things that people associated him with. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew it wouldn’t be a teacher. And though I was a good runner, I stopped.
My father was still part of my life for many years after that and I did still love him. But I didn’t want everyone to instantly think of me as his daughter. I wanted to be my own person and judged on my own merit, not by his mistakes.
It’s been about six years since I last spoke to my father. Though I forgave him for the mentally abusive way that he often treated my brothers and me, I couldn’t overlook that(according to my own opinion and views) he had never actually given up his addiction, despite his claims otherwise. And I couldn’t expose my children to that sort of behavior.
Though I have since learned that I could have things in common with him, like being a teacher or a runner or helping raise money for a charity, and not become like him.
Note: the details of this story are as I remember them as a child. Other family members may view these differently and some facts may be incorrect as I can only write my own experience- and when we write something from our childhoods, it’s entirely possible to get details wrong. But, this is how I see this story.
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What a difficult thing to experience, especially as a child. Finding a balance between the things you can have in common and not being like him (or becoming him) — and it sounds like you did. Also, congrats to your boy and proud momma moment!
christine recently posted..I Can’t Stop the Ache
Definitely a balance. And thank you- I was very proud of my son!
Oh Shell, wow. That’s so, so tough and I’m sorry you had to endure that. I’ve seen other kids go through this sort of thing with their parents and it’s heart wrenching. I’m so grateful that you are in a better place and that you have set boundaries.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Outside of the Shoebox
Those boundaries were needed, for sure.
I am not even going to pretend that I know what that would have been like to live through. But what I do know is every experience – both good and bad – that we have shapes and molds us AND teaches us. Congratulations to your son for his lap-running accomplishment and congratulations to you for being able to “pour your heart” out on that very difficult and personal topic.
Kate F. (@katefineske) recently posted..Stick-to-it-ness and Overwhelming-itis
I think it was easier because I was a child. I didn’t know any different- it was just my reality.
I can relate to this in so many ways. My father, too, made so many mistakes that made my childhood extremely difficult, and unfortunately have followed me into adulthood. I honestly wish I had your strength to keep him at more of a distance but I have so much guilt associated with him. It is a constant struggle. Thanks for sharing because I often feel so alone in dealing with this issue.
It sounds like there are wonderful things about your Dad which you can see now, and that probably means you are in a better place with the entire situation.
On a lighter note, that was an amazing Mama Moment! There is so much in life to celebrate.
Ali from Daughter-in-Law Diaries recently posted..Playing Favorites
I had guilt for a while, but it came down to what is best for my own kids.
Congrats to your boy!
Most people don’t know the behind the scenes of our lives. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It’s nice to have things in common with the good side of your father, but I’m glad you didn’t become like him.
Evonne recently posted..There’s 2 for Every 1
No, most don’t. I guess we all have our own stories!
I love the last paragraph where you distinguish how you share some of his passions but you haven’t become him. It is so important for us to find the good qualities in the people in our lives even when they make mistakes. It doesn’t change anything but I think it is good for our souls. I’m sorry that you went through all of that and your dad as well. Addiction does terrible things to a person and their family. I’m glad you came out on the other side of it as strong and happy as you are! xo
Kristen recently posted..Bloggy Boot Camp & Girls Lunch Out in Philly 2012
Everyone has some good qualities- despite the rest of it!
The hardest things in life sometimes are when we look at the adults in our lives, the ones who we looked up to as a role model for the longest of times, and see the truth, that in the end, they are human, make mistakes, and affect so much around them including their children. Some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through life were watching the mistakes made by my parents.
that had to be very hard to go through. We all have our stories, don’t we?
Jamie recently posted..I’m an Introvert, is that such a BAD thing?
Watching those mistakes and learning not to repeat them.
Shell, I am sitting here in tears reading your post. The last few paragraphs resonate with me so much. It has been almost a year since I last spoke to my mother…for much the same reason. I have spent my entire teen and adult years desperately working to not be my mother’s daughter. Only in the past several months have I started to truly understand that I can pull things from the woman that she is without becoming that same woman. It’s a long, sorrowful journey to finding peace, but one I’m determined to figure out.
Aramelle {One Wheeler’s World} recently posted..Transitions
Sometimes, that distance is what is for the best. I’ve been accused of not caring but that’s not it at all- I had to do what was best for my kids.
I hate that you had to go through this. But you are an amazing person- not because of him, but in spite of him. Very powerful post.
Thank you. xo
You are not your father! You were not a runner simply because he was. You will not be a pill addict because he was!
Im glad you and your son were able to share the joy of a victory lap!
Life As Wife recently posted..Fifteen Months
Thank you for understanding. xo
Oh Shell. I’m so sorry. How scary to be in the midst of that situation when you were a kid.
You are not like him. He did not choose to do the hard thing and fight against his addiction for his family. You chose to the the hard thing of cutting him out of your life to protect your family. You are a strong parent and a strong person.
Much love my friend.
Tracie recently posted..The Night I Tried To Call
Thank you- it was hard, especially when my brothers didn’t all agree, though they do now.
Ay caramba. That is so difficult and I have personal experience with that. It is heartbreaking anyway you look at it. So sorry. But you are doing what you feel is best.
We do not turn into our parents.
Pish Posh recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Metaphysical Constipation
Thank goodness we don’t have to turn into them!
Wow, I just don’t know what to say. I am so sorry you were done that way. But you know what you are an awesome person, despite what your youth was not IN spite of it. It is sad that he still isn’t clean and chooses drugs over the joy of grandchildren
Angel recently posted..Happiness Project with Leigh A kid’s party with an awesome cake..
Thank you! He did claim to be clean, but his behaviors indicated otherwise to me and that wasn’t a chance I was willing to take with my children.
Oh Shell. That is incredibly courageous of you to open your heart about what must be a painful subject for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but kudos to you for coming out the other side to be who YOU are today.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Two Weeks Old
Thank you, Alison!
That must have been so hard for you! I’m so glad you were able to deal with it in a positive way. That’s the sort of thing that ruins relationships.
Sandy
momof12 recently posted..Real Baseball
It really does. Yet, I’m the villain because I don’t want him in my life, according to some people. I’m okay with that.
So sorry that you went through what you did. . .
I do not blame you for wanting to separate yourself. For wanting to be known for who YOU are not by the image someone else projected.
You are strong. You survived.
And look at you now.
<3
Stasha recently posted..My Rock
Thank you, sweet Stasha!
What a candid, raw, and honest post. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to live through that, but I admire how well you came out of it, with such good perspective, and that you didn’t let the negative things in your past affect your choices as an adult.
The Bonny Bard recently posted..The lazy-ass approach to child rearing
This is why I get angry when people blame their past for their problems- b/c it is possible to overcome.
Oh Shell I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like as a child. You are not your father and you are setting an amazing example for your kids.
Barbara recently posted..First Flight
Thank you, Barbara!
Oh Shell, thank you so much for sharing. I was just commenting again, and as you know have blogged about, how you just don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.
This happened in my family as well…one of my uncle’s wives had a similar addiction and hid it well until she got caught. I think you are wise to keep your distance if he can’t beat it. I’m glad you have learned that you can be like the good parts of him and still not be like all of him.
My father is a runner and a teacher as well. I inherited the teaching gene but NOT the running gene. My sister got both and it seems my kids got the running gene… especially The Girl!
Sorta Southern Single Mom recently posted..PYHO: Ordinary
We can never know what goes on behind those closed doors or what someone’s past was like- it’s why we should reserve judgement.
I really hate running. Though I don’t think it has anything to do with my father at this point- I think I’m just lazy.
What a shame that he had so much going for him and threw it away for drugs. It sounds like you have a very balanced outlook on the whole thing, but I’m sure there must have been a lot of hard moments to come to this point. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
Lisa @ Two Bears Farm recently posted..The Anti-Romantic Child – Book Review
At this point in my life, it just seems like something in the very distant past, especially since I do not talk to my father now.
That must have been so difficult for you to write, Shell, but you did it beautifully. My husband has struggled with similar issues, and it always rips my heart out a little to watch him wrestle with the memory of the loving father he wanted vs. the damaged father he fights to forget. You sound like you are handling a rotten hand as gracefully as possible. Keep strong.
Vinobaby recently posted..A paycheck can’t buy time
Thank you- I think I edited this post more than I did any I’ve ever written in the past. LOL
Wow. This is alot Shell. Your pride for your son mixed with so many memories of what was with your father. Such a sad sad story for everyone. I admire your strength for making it through that horrible situation and your strength now in making decisions that are right for your family.
Thank you, Heather!
Shell you are truly amazing! I hate that he used you as a way to feed his addiction!
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Accidentally Creating a Star?
He would say he never did. He has his own version on the past, for sure.
Wow Shell! What a hard thing to go through, both as a child and as an adult looking back on it and seeing all of the manipulation and the misplaced priorities. You can have those things in common with him without having those other things
angela recently posted..Not Just Jeans
Thanks, Ang!
Oh, Shell…how very strong you are! To have a parent be this outwardly hero to everyone else but to be such a disappointment to the people that really matter is so hard. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad you were smart enough to know that you could be a teacher and not be him. I bet you are an amazing teacher. Congrats on your son’s accomplishment! How exciting!
AnnMarie recently posted..Would Meds Help?
It was a huge fall from grace, to have been thought of so highly and then to have the truth come out.
Wow Shell thanks for sharing this…I know it’s not easy to put it all out there. You are such a strong woman and role model for your kids…even when your childhood was not the easiest.
Natalie recently posted..Oh How the Time Flies…
Thanks, Natalie. We all have our stories, don’t we?
That must have been incredibly hard to write Shell. Thank you for sharing it with us. I know it must have been so hard to go through at such a young age. I’m so sorry. But I think you are an amazingly strong, resilient woman and I big pink puffy heart you
Delilah recently posted..An Open Letter to the Elementary School Parents
I big pink puffy heart you, too!
Oh Shell, wow. How often those who use and abuse can hide their issues, and talk them away. Unfortunately, I know all too well, having witnessed numerous extended family members do just this. Thank you for sharing your story, as it is worth telling.
Jackie recently posted..Daddy Does It
Oh and he was such a good talker. Got his way out of so much. And still tried to explain it all away after the fact, too. So good that your head would spin over what you witnessed with your own eyes and what his version was.
pour that heart out, indeed. more proof that you never ever know what’s going on in someone’s life just by looking at them.
and you? you turned out just fine, by my sights.
MommaKiss recently posted..Your legacy…
Thank you, MK. xo
Oh Shell! This was beautifully written. It’s funny how secrets are kept. I poured my heart out about secrets today.
It seems that you got all of the positive that your dad had in him. I wish you continued blessings. I know how tough a strained father daughter relationship can be.
oxoxox
Sili recently posted..Unspoken Words
At this point, I’m perfectly okay with our lack of relationship. It’s what is best for my kids.
I can still remember the before and after of your childhood. Xoxo.
We have so many memories together- don’t we? But one that really sticks out for me is the summer after so much of this came out- and all the gossip was flying like it did in our hometown- almost no one was allowed to come to my birthday party that year. No one wanted their kids to have anything to do with my family.
But, you came anyway. I’m sure it was hard for your parents to say that would be okay, but they did. I couldn’t realize the magnitude of that at the time, but looking back- it makes me tear up that they had that sort of compassion to realize that a little girl would still want to have a friend at her birthday party.
Oh Shell, Im so sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. It seems like you came out an amazing person in spite of it though.
So happy that you and your oldest were able to share in that very happy moment. He beat out the first, second, and third grade? What a fast boy!
Jessica recently posted..Wishes
We were sort of in shock that he won(there’s a bad mama moment for ya!) but a lot of the kids took breaks while he just kept pushing through.
I also had to make decisions to remove poisonous relatives from my life. I know how hard that is. But I also know that even if someone isn’t part of your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t forgive them. It only hurts us to continue to live in anger. Forgiveness is very separate from reconciliation. I respect the hard decision you made, and the fact that you put your family first.
I’ve definitely forgiven- being mad gives someone too much power over your life. You are right- forgiveness is totally separate from reconciliation.
Addictions are truly such awful things and often change who a person really is- as yes there is still that good and the things he did to be celebrated- but unfortunately the addiction won for him. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this. It sounds like you have found and are finding a good place in life to deal with it all.
Congrats to your son!! So so awesome
Emmy recently posted..1st Grade Romance Trouble
Thanks, Emmy!
It is amazing how people can “hide” behind their addictions but never to the people close to them. What a hard situation. I am so blessed to know the ways in which you’ve forgiven him and I understand why you would want distance.
Where is the ME in Mommy? recently posted..What I Think About: THAT Mom
So many were fooled by him.
A commenter above said that forgiveness is separate from reconciliation and I love the way that she put that!
I’m so sorry your father is an addict. Mark’s best friend is also an addict after a motorcycle crash where he broke both of his legs. He didn’t heal well and has been in pain ever since. He has done the same things with forging Rxes, but he has also gone so far as to shoot up. He’s been through rehab and seemed to do well for nearly 3 years, but lately things don’t seem good. He has 2 young boys.
Just Jennifer recently posted..Measurements of Student Progress
Oh, no! Sending prayers for Mark’s friend!
Oh Shell…no one should have to deal with that, especially with you being so young. It sometimes is easy to forgive, but it’s hard to forget. I could hear your pain in these words…very candid girl! Love ya!
Tammy recently posted..Dinnertising with Lawry’s! SO MUCH FUN!
Thanks, Tammy. xo
Wow, what a story. Thinking of you and your family. Drug addiction tears people apart, and i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. <3
jenn @ so this is love recently posted..My Armor
Thanks Jenn. At this point, it’s just a part of my past, thankfully.
Very well written. Thanks for sharing this very difficult story, and for knowing that you can be your father’s daughter without being your father. xxoo much love to you!
Amethyst Moon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday, A Moment of Peace
Thank you! xoxo
I am a new reader, and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for what you endured because of your father’s choices. But as other comments mentioned, I am a firm believer that all experiences shape us. Drug addiction is a terrible thing. I respect how you have handled it, and think your children are lucky to have such a wonderful and loving mother.
Isha recently posted..Lucky to lose you
Welcome, Isha!
I do believe that everything shapes us and that this made me strong. And thankfully, it’s something I’ve moved past.
Wow, what a post. You know, this is an important consideration – sometimes when people look like they have it all, or are totally together, they are actually not. It’s really important – for me, anyway – to keep in mind. Great post.
Nicole recently posted..Trapped in the Abyss of Kitchen Renovations
We never really know what someone is actually going through, it’s so true.
Wow. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, and I can’t remember if you ever mentioned turmoil in your childhood. It’s hard to have some one you look up to, especially a parent, fail you. We expect them to be our heroes and in your case; your dad was,for awhile and then he crushed that. It’s a hard reality that people hurt the ones they love the most. From the sound of it, you have overcome that. Thank you for sharing a part of your childhood.
Tiffany recently posted..Loving
I’ve briefly mentioned it, but I usually don’t talk too much about it. It seems like it all happened in another lifetime.
It’s tough to come from a family that has a public face and a private side. I feel for you, Shell. I’m glad you’ve put your past behind you and live so positively now.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Service or Self?
Thanks, Missy. If I didn’t move on, that would give my father and my past way too much power.
I’m sorry, Shell. What a tough road. I also don’t speak to my dad because I don’t think he’s a good influence for my children.
I’m just revisiting my love of photography–I’ve held out for years because it was “his” thing. But he’s not the only one who can be good at it.
Natalie @MamaTrack recently posted..The Sun Shines Again
So many people don’t understand the idea of not talking to a parent. I hear from so many people that I’ll regret this after he’s gone and that I should feel lucky that he’s alive. But they don’t get it. Some of us have deeper issues with our parents than that we fought over curfew when we were teenagers.
I’m glad you are able to give photography a shot. We don’t have to become our parents, but we don’t have to avoid something because of them, either!
Thanks for sharing such hard memories. I’m sure it will encourage others with similar situations.
Michelle
Shell, I’m really sorry. The image of you as a little gal running beside him while all this was going on; wow, leaves me speechless. Dealing with family issues is so hard and it’s a process. I wish the best to you and your family and thanks for sharing such a difficult experience.
Pamela recently posted..To Market, To Market….Playing “Shop N’Go”
Thanks. It was hard at the time. At this point, it feels like another life time.
My kids are growing up in a small town and I hope they never have to deal with this. I never did and my dad was MIA in my life for years. I haven’t talked to him for about 8 yrs. I’m sorry you had to go through this growing up!!
Mimi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: In Bloom
Being in a small town for something like this makes it so much harder. I remember after some of this started to come out, my mom would drive an hour to a grocery store in another town so no one would know her.
Wow, that is so hard. Addictions really do tear families apart. I understand, having lived with an addict myself. It’s so tough. Way to be brave enough to post that.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
oh wow…
my biological father is an alcoholic and I was just talking to the hubs about it….how I’m actually happy he lives in CT and I don’t have to deal with his addiction and not letting him see my kids if he’s been drinking, and since he falls off the wagon constantly it would suck…
So anyway…wow…
I’m so sorry….it’s such a nightmare to deal with…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..An Example Of When Kids Suck
It’s so much easier to have him be far away.
Wow, Shell… That’s quite a story. I’m so sorry. It seems as though you have handled yourself in an amazing way, and grown up with his good qualities.
Becca – Our Crazy Boys recently posted..Blended Peanut Butter Mocha Recipe
Thank you, Becca!
You always amaze me with your courage to open up about what must be difficult to talk about.
Congrats to your son!
Carolyn recently posted..Don’t Forget! {Printable Packing List}
Thanks, Carolyn!
Wow. This must have been a hard post to write. I loved the disclaimer at the bottom. We are entitled to write and speak freely about our memories they we way we remember them! even if some of the details are off, it doesn’t change he he was to you. We carry likenesses from our parents. Some we are proud of and others we hope we don’t pass on to our kids. You’re YOU not him! <3
Adrienne recently posted..Why Homeschool?
This was what it was like for me- I know that other family members(especially my father) would see things differently, but we can only write our own version of events.
oh yes! I must remember this when I struggle to write something out of fear of “getting it wrong”. It is our reality, after all.
Emily @ My Pajama Days recently posted..Bathroom break
I like your disclosure, I remember my childhood a very specific way that you and I have talked about a few times and lots of family members differ in opinion. I think they assume we forget things or don’t remember ‘really’ because we were ‘just kids’ and in some ways that may be right but big things aren’t easily forgotten. Great post, honest and easy to relate too. My family had (and still has) lots of secrets behind the doors.
Also, congrats on his win!!
stephanie @ babe’s rockin’ mami recently posted..Bedtime Nazi
We each only have our own experience of what happened to draw from. And that’s really all we can share, the way we saw it.
We all have demons to fight. Some of them just affect our families too. I’m sorry you had to live this.
Jennifer recently posted..Softball is over!
Holy crap, Shell!!! I was hoping this had a happy ending. I’m sorry…so sorry. Things truly are NOT what they seem sometimes.
xo
Runnermom-jen recently posted..Wide Open Spaces
Oh, my goodness, Shell. This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for the pain you and your family were put through. You’ve come out of it with amazing strength and I admire you a lot for that.
Congratulations to your son! It’s such a gift to parents when we get to see our children do well and the pride they have in themselves grow.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..Crisis of Faith: Searching for Light
This was a powerful post. Good job on writing about this. Life is not easy – nor is childhood. Parents are fallible and it is hard to learn that.
Tara recently posted..Square Pegs….
Oh Shell, I don’t know what to say but wow. It is amazing how our perceptions and impressions of people can often be so far from the truth. I’m so sorry that you had to go through. What sticks with me most is the end where you acknowledge that there are ways that you could have similar interests or do simliar things as your father but how that doesn’t make you like your father. Your such an amazing and strong person.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Bloggy Boot Camp Philly
Wow! I was not expecting this ending. I am sorry for your struggles, I hope you’ve made some sort of peace with your past. Wishing you well.
Angela recently posted..Amazing Grace – a special thank you
You are so brave to put this all out there – so many times I worry or wonder about replaying things in verse from my youth, but you did it in such a way that was eloquent yet honest. I can’t imagine how hard being “that daughter” was for you – but be secure in the knowledge that you are an amazing woman who has chosen a path of victory and not of victim.
Emily @ My Pajama Days recently posted..Bathroom break
Came from Preppy Girl in Pink…Happy Birthday!
I loved this post and have a similar situation where my mom has not stopped her addictions and we do not have a relationship. This is due to a terrible childhood and the fact that I will not expose my children to that! I understand your pain but ulitmately your decision- bravo for you and your family. Cuttitng ties with an immediate family member is broadly frowned upon and people need to be more understanding, until they know they whole story (even if they could never imagine it.) They really couldn’t imagine what some of us went through as children! It puts it into perspective. Taking a more difficult, but healthy road, is a must for survival in my book. I love your blog:)
Here from Ilene’s blog … she’s my Fierce Diva.
I’ve been thinking about exactly this lately; the things we remember as children, and how we can tell those stories with any certainty … my father was a man that many people thought was amazing, too, and I experienced him as abusive, demanding, cold. It is so hard to be in this place, and I’m sorry that you had to experience that … but also glad that you have been able to find ways you can be like your father without assuming the behaviors that hurt you as a child.
I will be back here … thanks for posting this.