Things They Can’t Say: A Little Something for Me

Today’s featured blogger is one who adores blogging and the friendships that come with it: and you can read her enthusiasm in all she does. Please welcome Kristen from A Little Something for Me.
I’ve broken almost every bloggy “rule” over on my blog. I didn’t nickname my children. I talk about their medical needs. I’m too open. I share too much. I’ve made a lot of “oops’s” on my blog. But, I rarely ever blog about my marriage. Hubs isn’t really into blogging and he is (believe it or not) a very private person. I don’t want to cross boundaries. Plus – I know that words on the internet are forever… so I just steer clear of that topic on my blog.

But this is things I can’t say – right? So – my official disclaimer is I’m going “All – In.” On Things I Can’t Say. I’m sorry if anyone’s feelings are hurt – this is why I don’t say them over on my blog.

I hate that my parents are divorced. There. I said it. (Mom, stop feeling guilty already!) It is not that I hate our collective life since. My dad has remarried and she is a great person in our family. I wouldn’t trade her. It is what the divorce has done to me… in my personal life circumstances.

You see… most people fight, get over it, and move on. You know what I do? I linger on it. I fret over it. I let it worry on my heart. Because I know that one day my parents loved each other. One day they chose to marry each other. One day they chose to have kids. And … all I remember is my parents fighting. So, how did they go from point A to point Z? What were all the letters that happened in between?

Was it simple arguments over shoes left laying in the living room? Was it arguments over who cooks or cleans or does the dishes? Was it feeling unappreciated? Because, honestly – haven’t we all felt this way at one point or the other?

Which brings me back to the worry of it all. I trust in my vows. I took them for life. I know my husband did also.

BUT… we are under enormous stress. Ask a parent of multiples. Especially if they have a singleton, they will tell you that having multiples puts a strain on a marriage. I don’t know exactly why that is… but it is true. Maybe it is the stress of having to nurture two at the same developmental age at the same time. Maybe it is the stress of knowing that if you screw it up – you screw it up times 2. Honestly, we don’t really know the difference, because we did not have a “singleton” first. This is all we know.

Ask the parents of a child with special needs. If they are honest, they will probably tell you there is added stress there too. The stress of not knowing how things will be. (I know there are no guarantees… but most of us have a vision of how we think life will look in 10 years.) Hubs and I literally have no idea what life will look like. Maybe it is the stress of the extra chores we do to keep our children healthy. Maybe it is the stress of the extra doctor appointments and therapies and the spreading of everyone so thin. Maybe it is the combination of all of these things. Honestly, I don’t know…

I only know that it exists.

So here is the thing I can’t way. I worry about my marriage. I know that will scare my parents and in-laws and family and friends. But, I don’t mean it that way. We are fine. We love each other. We work together as a team. I am happily married.

But when you add the stress + the normal “are you wearing my socks?” argument (hubs asked me last night… I was. He was not thrilled. It was his last pair. Oops.) + the knowledge that my own parents once loved each other and then didn’t….

It scares me. A lot. There. The things I can’t say.

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Comments

  1. says

    This is such an honest post, and I’m so glad you were able to share it here at Shell’s place. Even without the added stressors you mentioned, I can see where you’re coming from. I’d like to think that no one enters their marriage thinking they’ll get divorced. I think all we can do is really, truly understand that there’s stress and try to acknowledge and work with it to fix things as a team. Thanks for sharing your heart here :)

  2. says

    Kristen, I don’t think your alone on that. We don’t have twins or a child that needs the care that Alexander does but a marriage is always a work in progress. If you don’t nurture it just like you do your children or yourself…it can fall apart. You have to make the love that brought you together a priority. Chris and i have had some rough patches but it was always because we put us on the backburner. Now, we know better and we make time for us…even if it is at 10:00PM and on our own couch, we try to make that time count. Remember, you are not your parents and from what I know of you, you have a HUGE heart. Make sure there is enough room for all 5 of you and you will be just fine.
    So excited to see you were on here!!! xo, The other Kristen
    Kristen recently posted..A Surprise For My Husband…My Profile

  3. says

    I’m just like you. I don’t share a lot of that private stuff on this particular blog because this is a public blog and back when I first tooled around with one I got into so much trouble with family its not even funny! But now that I’m older I hope they respect that I feel the way I feel and whatnot.

    Stress will always give you those thoughts and you’ll make it over your hump. Just remember that!

    Thanks for sharing your heart!
    Julie recently posted..5 year anniversaryMy Profile

  4. says

    I won’t tell you not to worry, because you will. But I will agree with what everyone else told you. I think it boils down to this: if you view your husband as your lover, your friend, someone you can talk with and disagree with (and move forward from) and support and get support from, then most of the time, you have it all covered. I think it’s when we start viewing our husbands (through their acts OR our own) as someone else we have to take care of rather than a lover, friend, and support crew, that marriages start to break down. I’m not talking taking care of in the sense of a big illness or emotional support, but, rather, when you start viewing your husband as another child to be clothed, fed, and washed. Sure, there are times we have to take care of our husbands, but then again, they should be taking care of us occasionally, too. Marriage is a give and take, by both parties, and it sounds like you guys have that part down.
    Annie recently posted..Organized Christmas 2012: January TasksMy Profile

  5. says

    Such a bravely honest post, we too have special needs and multiples and I understand that stress. I can’t imagine the doubt that growing up in divorce brings to the table. I had never thought of what divorce can do from this perspective. Thanks so much for sharing.
    Jessica recently posted..The Baby of the FamilyMy Profile

  6. says

    You’re not alone Kristen. I don’t talk about my marriage on my blog either – not because we have anything to hide but sometimes I feel that marriage, no matter how solid it is, is somehow also very fragile. That if hit in some way, a different angle, it will shatter like delicate glass. So yes, I worry too, though really, I have nothing to worry about. But I worry about that angle that will shatter. Silly, perhaps. Real, yes.
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Tasty Thursday: Chicken RissolesMy Profile

  7. says

    I agree with Annie. You all sure do have your share of stress. I get where you are coming from. Thanks for being so honest and sharing.

  8. says

    My hubs doesn’t like me blogging about him either…I do it anyway:) I love your take on things and I’m eager to check out your blog. I’m not from a divorced family, but I can imagine that it would introduce great questions into your own marriage. I compare my marriage to my parents and my in-laws all the time. I can’t imagine having multiples or kids with special needs, as I am a teacher, and do deal with those stresses at work. It would be hard to at home. Thanks for sharing.
    mrs.monica recently posted..Who needs crawling…My Profile

    • says

      I hope you do go over and check it out. Sometimes I still blog about the hubs – he’s too funny not to. But about our “marriage” – no. It is really just a weird sort of questioning that goes on….. coming from divorce.

  9. says

    This used to be a HUGE fear for me. HUGE. But when I realized that my husband and I had been married longer than my parents had been married to any of their spouses it passed. It was like I had beat the curse and didn’t need to worry about it anymore. Just keep waiting. It will get better.
    Jennifer recently posted..Share Your Awesome, Chocolate Covered GrinsMy Profile

    • says

      Ugh. Truth? Sometimes I think the medication, therapy, and nutritional needs cause this enormous stress. We argue about meds all the time. His seizure meds need to be delivered ON TIME. This morning, I was up with Alexander from about 3am on…. So – I could. not. get. off. the couch to give him his 6am seizure meds. I just couldn’t do it. *sigh* – thanks for understanding.
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

  10. Brigett C says

    Sometimes people can’t bridge the gap in their relationships…sometimes they feel it’s just not worth it. And being a parent is one of the toughest jobs we’ll ever have. And I can only imagine having twins or triplets or having a child with special needs….the stress has got to be incredible. Being able to vent in some form is good for you…it keeps you from going over the edge. Love this post!

  11. says

    A friend and I were talking about this the other day; about how marriages age. When you get married you think there is no way we won’t last, but as the years go on, you do start to see the flaws that, if you aren’t careful, can turn into canyons that will seperate you from your spouse. My friend equated it to driving down the highway and choosing different exits all that lead to different locations. You know if you get off here, it could lead to you alone. We just have to do everything we can to keep driving.
    Thanks for sharing. Bringing things into the light and sharing, can sometimes make them less scary, not just for the person sharing either.

  12. says

    I relate to this a hundred percent! My parents were going through a divorce when I met my husband and I was so scared toget hurt an my trust in love was almost non exsistant.

    Just remember that you and your husband are NOT your parents. Great post!
    Life As Wife recently posted..Life’s a PartyMy Profile

    • says

      This is funny – when I first met my husband I told him, “Don’t tell me you love me… because I can’t take it.” Then when i knew he was the “one” – I had to spill it first because he wouldn’t say it. :)
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

  13. says

    I can’t begin to relate to being a parent of multiples or a parent of a special needs child. I know that the divorce rates for those parents are so much higher and it makes sense. But I do know that your fear? It is normal. I am sure we all question whether we have what it takes to last when so many other strong couples don’t.

    What comforts me through these times is the understanding that my husband and I had decided from the very beginning that divorce simply would not be an option for us. By removing it as a possibility, suddenly different possibilities begin to pop up as ways to solve our issues. I also believe that love is more action than feeling. Any time I am starting to fall out of love, I remind myself I need to do more active loving. I can’t speak for my husband’s innermost thoughts, but I need to trust that he believes these same things. Assuming that is the case, we will make it through.
    Laura recently posted..Not So Long NowMy Profile

    • says

      Active Loving. I have been thinking of posting notes around the house to try to be a better wife. I might put that on a note. You know what works well for me? Spending time with my in-laws. (see above comment) – they’ve made it 30 years and remind me that marriage is just… normal.
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

  14. says

    I don’t blog MUCH about my husband – I certainly don’t high light the lows. Because those lows are for us only in my opinion. And if I feel really steamed or hurt or upset I might call my best friend to vent. But I know exactly how you feel in the fragility of marriage. It needs to be tended to and handled with utmost care. Both of us are from parents that have divorced and so just using the “D” word in any kind of context makes us shudder. I think your fears are so normal. We all have them but we don’t always talk about them. Thank you for being open and honest.
    January recently posted..It’s All About Me (Blogiversary / Birthday Post)My Profile

  15. says

    Oh Kristen, I just adore your honesty! I have the same fears, the same worries. And I’m so quick to jump to the “D” word whenever Tim and I fight. My parents were miserable together though they stuck it out for the sake of the kids (which is funny because my sister and I always hoped they would finally just divorce and maybe they’d each have a real shot at true happiness). My parents never modeled love for me so I feel like I stagger through ambivalence a lot of the time when things get rough.

    The good thing is that you are aware of your past and you’re devoted and committed to working on your marriage, knowing that with multiples and a special needs child your marriage is going through more stress than the average marriage. You’re already one step ahead of the game, my friend.
    Helene recently posted..I don’t even know where to start….My Profile

  16. says

    As always Shell, your Friday guests are outstanding. Kristen, I am also a child of divorce. It sounds like you know that you’re really in your marriage for the long haul and recognize that there will be challenges. I think the worry is a good thing, it shows that you really do care.
    NJ @ A Pocket Full Of Dinosaurs recently posted..I wasn’t expecting this.My Profile

    • says

      Thanks for saying I was outstanding!!!!! YAY! Shell’s guest posters are always so awesome. I can’t believe I’m lumped in with them. And – thanks for letting me know that good things can come out of worry.
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

    • says

      We will always take prayers around here. Again… I can’t say enough how much the “love for the honesty” means to me…. I was very scared to post this.

  17. says

    Sometimes I worry about mine too. Even though I love my husband and I know he loves me, I see marriages falling apart all around us, and I just want to make it. But, it’s up to us to break the cycle of our family’s past and make things different for our kids.
    Adrienne recently posted..God is good, Sistas!My Profile

  18. says

    That is very honest and most people are also going through the same things. Stress can cause damage to a marriage unless you are strong enough to overcome it. And yes kids can definitely increase the stress level.

    • says

      Yeah – stress is huge around here. I got a massage for Christmas – and I think I might need to hire a professional one. You are right – as much as I adore my kids – they do add stress.
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

  19. Ami says

    I remember being pregnant with our twins and my husband and I talking about how this would “make or break” our marriage. That meant something since we married the Sat after Sept 11, sans half the wedding party due to shut down airports; my MIL passing away 6 weeks later from cancer, and my mother dying unexpectedly from unknown causes almost 1 year to the day later. All that stress and now 2 babies? CRAP! But somehow we manage to pull through! Keep believing in yourselves.

  20. says

    I think that everyone thinks, at one point or another in their marraige that it may be fallible. It one of those things that yopu NEVER say to other people. I have an amazing family anf group of friends but when things are rough with my husband and I, I don’t breathe a word of it. You have every right to worry sometimes but then remember that you still love each other and that you’ll keep fighting for each other and your family.
    Jaime recently posted..I’m EvilMy Profile

  21. says

    I wear my husband’s socks all the time and get busted for it again and again. He’s patient with me, but I fear one day I’ll push the sock-thing too far and he’ll snap. We’ve been married now for almost 20 years. We have nine children. We are pretty solid as far as marriage goes. Not to say that we don’t fight. We are SO opposite of each other that we fight all the time. It’s routine around here. He drives me crazy and I drive him crazy and that’s just US. I’m from a divorced home, and he’s from a very dysfunctional home that probably should have been divorced. We both had such bad examples of marriage that I’m amazed our marriage is still going strong. We do not have any multiples but we do have a daughter with physical handicaps as well as learning disabilities due to a brain injury she sustained in a car accident when she was four. Dealing with that tragic event was hard on our marriage. Dealing with the aftermath of that in the years to come was hard on our marriage. But we’ve pulled through every struggle and came out stronger in the end. I think it’s seriously just a mindset. You have to have the mindset that failure (divorce) is not an option. Families are worth fighting for, worth the extra effort to keep them together :)
    Katrina recently posted..the toysMy Profile

    • says

      THANK YOU for letting me know I’m not the only one! My husband actually took a poll at work on who shares socks. So, thank you!!
      Thanks for reminding me that sticking together… is just “worth fighting for.”
      Kristen recently posted..The Best of Last WeekMy Profile

  22. says

    I understand you completely. My parents divorced just after I graduated from college, and I had lived practically my whole life until then just assuming it was going to happen someday. Fortunately they were never mean, nor violent, just fought a lot. My dad is an alcoholic and I guess 25 years of marriage was all my mom could handle. I know now exactly what I don’t want to do in my own marriage because of their divorce, so hopefully it works. And it sounds like it will work for you too. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Jocelyn recently posted..Status qu…it being so lazy!My Profile

  23. says

    Thank you for sharing this. But you know, just the fact that you have this awareness, know what you want and are willing to work for it is huge. That can make all of the difference.
    Emmy recently posted..What Do You See?My Profile

  24. says

    You are especially, incredibly brave for admitting this. I think many of us get to this point, wondering if it’ll last. I guess we just have to decide that it will. Like you said, you trust in your vows. No one ever said it was easy (and coming from divorced parents, believe me, I know it ain’t easy). But realizing that? Wanting to continue to work past the parts and times that aren’t easy? The dead-tired, mind numbing times? That’s what makes the difference.
    Arnebya recently posted..How’s That Parenting Working Out for Ya?My Profile

  25. says

    So I pride myself on almost always coming up with something to say in the comments – a witty quip or a heartfelt “I’ve been there” when I finish reading a post.

    But I’ll admit I can’t do that here. Because I haven’t “been there” and I can only imagine the challenges you two face, even as I applaud and respect the way you (mostly) keep your marriage private.

    What I can say (at Things You Can’t Say – ha!) is that you are one of the most honest and brave people I’ve *met*. So thank you for that.

    And also, I’ve got your back. (I don’t know what that actually means, but it seemed like a good thing to say.)

    What I mean is, I support you and think you are amazing.
    For what it’s worth.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me laidMy Profile

  26. says

    And that lingering fear that it could end? That, that is what can save it. Knowing that without care, attention and time for you and your husband alone that it could all dissapate right before your eyes. You’re on the right path. Hang in there.
    Marie from Rock The Kasbah recently posted..Here Nor ThereMy Profile

  27. says

    I think it is very true that marriages are sometimes fragile and always dynamic organisms. They don’t solidify over time without a lot of consistent work. my parents are also divorced, and I see vulnerabilities in my own marriage, even though it’s a great one and we’re by every measure “happy.” and yes, statistically, many things make one more likely to divorce– that doesn’t mean anything though. The secret, I think, is staying on top of the issues before you really don’t care any more–if that makes sense. great post.
    wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Looking Back at Little Ones (and Long Hair)My Profile

  28. says

    Hi – guys… It is me. I cried the entire way through these comments. I was so worried about posting these fears… that I was alone. Thank you all…. for reading. For commenting. For helping me remember that I’m not alone. And, for encouraging me that we are on a great path – just by being “aware” of these things.

    I teach sociology… (well – used to teach). I remember when we talked about the marriage unit (it was to seniors) I would tell my students:
    “Every night I pray that my marriage will be ok.”
    “My husband doesn’t… he just knows it will be. (His parents are still happily married.)”

    Just a difference. And – it seriously made me cry to know that I’m not alone in my prayers.

    Thank you, Kristen
    Kristen recently posted..Things I Can’t SayMy Profile

  29. says

    I love the honesty here. My parents are still married, but I have those same fears and worries. With the divorce rate as high as it is now, it definitely weighs on my mind. We’re fine, though I do wonder how people get from point A to point Z also.
    Kimberly recently posted..Drunk Neighbor ConversationMy Profile

    • says

      Thanks Kimberly – for letting me know I am not alone. Seriously…. you have no idea what a relief it is to know that I’m not alone…

  30. says

    Yes, you’re definitely not alone. I worry too…that ‘ol familiar story of when the kids are grown and out of the house and a husband and wife look at each other and say “Who are you?” The kids are little and it seems all about the kids right now for us…and we love it…yet we need to take care of us too…for all of us. My parents divorced when I was young…both my brothers are divorced…I don’t want to go there…Ever. Thanks for writing this.
    Jill @ Mommy Inconsistent recently posted..Shhhh…Mommy’s Got A SecretMy Profile

  31. says

    I understand this because I come at it from the inside… one day my husband and I were in love, and then we were not and now he is not my husband anymore. While my kids were very young and do not remember us fighting, they do know that most mommies and daddies live together and are “friends” if you will and theirs are not.

    My own parents will celebrate 40 years next month and the failure of my marriage is just that… a personal failure…even though we all know I’m happier with out him then I ever would have been with him long term. Why did my parents pick right and make it work- because I do remember them arguing and then I remember it slowly stopping and I know now that they were on the brink but they recommitted and worked hard and it paid off- and I picked so …wrong that we couldn’t make it work

    That was a very long-winded way of saying that I understand what you are saying!
    Sorta Southern Single Mom recently posted..Friday Fragments: When Mamma Goes AwayMy Profile

  32. says

    This was so open and honest, all I want to say is thank you. Thank you for pouring it all out there and saying what I feel. It helps me feel better knowing others feel that way too. My marriage too, is fine. And my parents aren’t divorced, my parents are happily married for 40 years. But my husband’s parents are divorced and they can’t stand each other. Can’t stand to be near each other and can’t stand to even hear us talk about the other one. How they got to that point after 3 kids and 20 years of marriage scares the hell out of me.
    Deb recently posted..The downside to being a stay-at-home momMy Profile

  33. says

    The strange thing is, I never thought about my fears in my own marriage until reading your post. I don’t mean that as a bad thing, but I just chalked it up to being worried because of my own issues and waiting for hubby to decide it’s just too much. I grew up in a family who I would say was about to point Y. I “joke” that I knew my parents were going to get divorced 14 years before they did, but it’s no joke.

    Knowing what I saw growing up gives me the ability to watch for those behaviors from myself and work as hard as I can to keep from repeating my parents’ mistakes.
    Heather recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: Return to Work or Stay at HomeMy Profile

  34. says

    Very nice post! As a mom with an Autistic son, I agree. There is so much more to worry about with him. When he was little it was much harder. We didn’t know how to parent and it’s easy to find yourself blaming your spouse when neither one of you know what to do.
    Sandy
    momof12 recently posted..The DentistMy Profile

  35. says

    Children of divorce have fear challenges. I am one of those children. It took me a long time to realize my husband wouldn’t leave me, that we wouldn’t fall apart. It has been a journey of learning how to forgive, to realize when I’m 90% of the anger and he’s 10%, asking God when he hurts me to please open his eyes to it – and He does and he makes it right. I’m dealing with an issue right now because of that pesky divorce of my parents – one that I never thought I’d have to deal with.:):):)

    There’s power in honest – and what a powerful post!

  36. Leighann says

    This post is so raw, and so perfectly honest. 
    I applaud you for saying what most of us think but can’t put into words. 
    You are not alone in your worry. 

    Shell-beautiful new design. 
    Leighann recently posted..My Gift to YOU!!My Profile

  37. says

    I think at one time or another all of us feel this way in our marriages… with added stress or not. I think, by saying it out loud and wanting to make sure it stays intact, it helps you by keeping it front and center. I wish you guys luck and all the best. I also think it was a brave thing to let it out and share. I don’t talk about my marriage on my blog either. Some things are just private…
    Susi recently posted..Follow Friday Four Fill-in FunMy Profile

  38. says

    32 years into our relationship (31 years of marriage) I can say this to you. Don’t fight over the insignificant, rather discuss calmly (if possible and it isn’t 22-1/3 insignificant things stacked on top of each other :D ) Then if you do fight. make up when the dust settles. I admire your honestly. I too have not “touched” a marriage topic unless it’s something benign or his name in passing. 
    Debbie recently posted..Love BeginsMy Profile

  39. says

    It sounds like you’ve got major stress going on, and are handling it beautifully.

    My parents were divorced too, although it didn’t happen until I graduated from college.  Still, all the fighting made me sure of what I wanted in my own marriage.  And when both people are committed, it works in spite of the stress.

    So happy you are in such a solid place, even when there are not enough socks to go around.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..When I Was a PrincessMy Profile